My old career is dead

Dear reader,

I am one of the thousands of people who are self employed and who have lost their businesses. I am also one of those, who used to live out of a suitcase and used to travel the world for work and now this career has been postponed, if not completely ruined. My future work is uncertain – there is no employer on my back, I may have no income for months and yet this won’t count towards trying to argue who will pay for my expenses like rent and food. This could have been more than enough to take onboard and be frustrated, stressed or really sad about. Not to mention worrying for the future and mere existence. But call me crazy if you wish, I don’t see it like that at all. I see it as an invitation to let new things in. So if you are one of people whose current careers have died, welcome, you are not alone. This blog might be useful for you.

Change happens all the time and life offers us different experience – variety of which count towards the overall experience of living. I’ve had a fantastic life so far and have probably experienced enough of it not to have regrets now that it is gone. So holding onto it and wishing for “the old to be back” may be a way to go, but it might also waste time. Waiting for things to “go back to normal” might be similar – there won’t be the “old normal”, there will be a “new normal”. So here it is – a new blank chapter of life to decide how to live and which life experience might be joyful to allow for yourself NOW.

I really like how our worlds have changed. How we have come back to basics in so many ways. Putting away all the fancy clothes, shoes and jewellery makes it so liberating. Wearing comfy clothes and shoes is much better for the body. No makeup as well – for the skin as well the Earth. Making the living and working space nicer, which is the space we spend most time in for weeks, is fun to do – cushions, pillows, candles, I even started growing plants and am thinking of painting something on my ceiling. Spending quality time with people, not ringing them only while queuing for boarding or waiting for another train to arrive, but deliberately set time aside for them, makes a difference. Video calls are a fantastic invention.

Cooking at home, simplifying meals and shopping is also fun and liberating. If offers chances to decide what kind of nutrition you would like your body to feed from. You also know exactly what you put in your meals if you are conscious about that. And our London house started having all those little rituals of cooking together and burning food together (which is rather a thing to do for fun, because none of us is particularly talented in cooking). Cleaning the house has also become massively enjoyable. I used to hate cleaning. But now it’s like exercising, with a visible outcome. And it never goes out of fashion.

My work has transformed and is transforming. I used to love to travel and work with groups, really enjoyed doing so. And I have had enough of that in my life, so now it’s time for something new: exploring ways how to train online and continue developing and working with groups remotely. It’s early stages, but I can already see the benefits of human relationships with the help of IT and digital facilitation. Lots of my current thoughts are dedicated to online training and with my team, we have designed and launched our first courses, which we have been working towards being succinct, high quality learning and satisfying experience, adjusted to online learning, which is very different to face to face. If interested, you can check and join our courses here. So here is an appeal for all of you, who would like to make a difference – if you support causes and corporations, why not supporting people you know who are doing work that you approve? Helping each other could be our “new normal”. I’d certainly much rather support my friend who is building webpages, rather than hire a company which has been making millions of profits.

All of the above does not mean being patient and just swallowing all the limitations of the new, current life we are living. It’s not about accepting. It’s about allowing for new experience to come to us. And explore ways how this experience can bring us joy, raise our collective consciousness and contribute to a better world. So I don’t really mind if the world is “never back to normal”. However am really curious about what’s emerging, how our daily work and rituals are changing and how all of us are growing with it.

What about you – what have you been noticing about your new lives that brings you joy?

With so much love,

Biba

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Here I am. And there you are. And there is so much life has to offer to us.

Solution Focused Possibilities Online Training in Solution Focused Practice

Dear reader,

after my moving to the UK in 2018 it wasn’t long before three likeminded people met and decided to continue our professional path together. Ben, Greg and myself formed an organisation we named Solution Focused Possibilities. We believe and have experienced in our clinical practice, that with the help of Solution Focused approach, people can find their ways forward to a better future and discover new possibilities they never dared to dream of in a period of time that doesn’t take large proportions of their lives with long lasting effects.

All of us have been trained at BRIEF in London, which is the “golden standard” Solution Focused training institution in the world and we have been lucky to have enjoyed vast support and guidance from BRIEF over the years. Having been close, we’ve grown to love the simplicity of the Solution Focused approach and have set up a mission for ourselves, to keep our practice and teaching succinct, minimalistic and straightforward. To stay true to the principle of “less is more” and not trying to do with more what can be done with fewer means” (Occam’s razor, a principle BRIEF has been following for over 30 years and a principle we are carrying on following too). A year ago, in March 2019 we started working on our common project – putting these principles in action by creating an online training in Solution Focused Practice.

This week we are releasing our work and are very happy to announce that our first online courses are out. You are welcomed to have a look at them here. Our team has expanded and we are now four partners – joined by our Jamie who has been transforming our ideas and principles into high quality, succinct, straightforward and engaging videos.

And this is merely a start. We have several courses lined up and it seems that now is the right time – while most of us are confined and self isolated, engaging yourself in a course that could change your life (and life of those around you), might be an idea worth going with. If you’d like, we can notify you about our courses and send you blogs, videos and thoughts that could be of use to you through and during these curious times we have all found ourselves in. If so, send us your email at info@sfpossibilities.org.

Succinct. Minimalistic. Straightforward.

Biba from SFP and Ribalon

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A photo from our last face to face masterclass training in the UK. But the story goes on!

Social distancing is not the same as social absence

Dear reader,

I received an article today on longitudinal empirical evidence of COVID-19 spread in numbers and figures. The article took 26 mins to read, but I’m a slow reader and need time to process and analyse the meta level of author’s context, undertone and aim of the whole narrative, so I read it in about an hour.

Most of the world as of today is going into quarantine, self-isolation or compulsory prohibition or free movement. In other words, for many people that feels like a prison. As someone who used to work in a prison, allow me to make this comparison, as black and white as it may appear. This post is in no way trying to diminish or minimise the article’s point and I think it is very useful that we are aware and acquainted with the facts that are surrounding us. But I advocate that facts need to come with a bit of balance of interpreting as well as a balance of the effects we are wanting to spread among people when trying to do the best thing – help them. So here is my view, which I hope would add and build on hope.

The implications of the pandemics are not only economical. They will affect people’s mental health and wellbeing, not just because of the fear of getting ill, but because of restricted freedom and dictated ways of being. History shows us that taking away one’s freedom and isolation are one of the most commonly used means of torture. As much as our current state is for now nowhere near imprisonment, it is likely to leave similar effects. Have a look at numbers of divorce in China and you’ll quickly see what I mean.

The article highly recommended social distancing. And avoid leaving home if one’s been experiencing symptoms. This is backed up by evidence that social distancing works in trying to keep the spread low and gradual. But there is one discourse misunderstanding I see people make when trying to obey the recommendation (or order in some countries/cases). And here is the thought that I would really like to communicate across

Social distancing should not be interpreted as social absence – completely removing yourself from social life.

Having no (or little) physical contact with others is by no means implying that one should not have emotional and social contact with others. Social life has not disappeared. It is changing. Re-defining. You do not have to avoid your neighbour across the street if you see them appearing on the door to take the rubbish out. The virus does not spread by looking at each other and making a remote friendly gesture.

I do hope that as much as we need to stay vigilant in these tough times, we do not become socially isolated. We have not disappeared from each other, we are still here and in this – together. I will soon prepare a webinar on that. The one that will help us stay vigilant and hopeful. If you are interested, send me your email at biba@ribalon.org. And take care of yourselves and each other in the way that makes your lives worth living.

Biba

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How many do we really need?

My Birthday, Our Future

Dear reader,

another year turned around and if you are here, you are lucky. Many people are dying these days – more than normally. Death is part of life, but life as is happening now, is something most of us are not used to. Not in a good way.

I walk the streets of London and they change day by day. Massively. Less and less people, trains and Tube feeling like Phantoms, shops either empty or overly crowded while people aspire not to be too close to one another. Schools closing. Shops and restaurants closing. The Covid-19 has touched all of our lives and it feels like we are fighting an enemy we don’t know, don’t see and don’t notice when it’s present, but we are aware that it is there, among us every second we dare to live.

This is the time where it is very easy to collapse, fear and lose hope. I watch people and they are petrified. Closed down. Or pretending nothing’s happening.

This is also the time where care escalates. Where public and private sectors continue to work and make trials and errors to get us all through this. Our street has received community notices on the door to educate us how to protect ourselves and our loved ones. And in the shop today, as people were queueing to enter the store, they still found some kindness and consideration to let a mother with a buggy enter first. The neighbours still say hello to each other, even though from the distance. And families who have locked themselves in their houses, are spending quality time together. It seems as if winter is coming even though the nature is sprouting but undoubtedly, there will be scent of cinnamon and freshly baked biscuits breezing through the windows. There will be small acts of kindness everywhere, among increased crime and impatience. As much as we cannot know or predict how long this uncertain period will last or when its peak will be, we do have a choice to direct our focus: either on how our systems are collapsing, or on how our systems are coping. You will find evidence of both. And imagine what difference it might make to your wellbeing (and possibly health, definitely mental health), if you choose to focus on what (still) works.

I hope that in a year time I will write another blog for my birthday. But if I don’t that’s fine too. It has been some ride, this life journey and I am glad we are all still here. As a mental health professional, I am also minding that the general pandemics will cause people to experience mental health difficulties they haven’t experienced before. I do hope that if it happens to you, you will get in touch with someone who can be with you through those times and help you sustain your wellbeing. You can also write to me.

Wishing you all sharp focus of your choice and wash your hands in the way that is right for you and others around you,

Biba

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Posting on Social Media as a Therapist

Dear reader,

admit it or not, we are living as many lives as we are having social media profiles and platforms. Information technology and artificial intelligence have changed our lives so profoundly in so many ways, that it will probably take at least another decade to catch up understanding how profoundly. Parents, teachers and other adults are hence increasingly (and justifiably) concerned about our younger generation as it has become bombarded with risk of internet addiction, selfie culture, influencers obsession and, not to say the least, frauds and traffickers.

Social media had brought another interesting phenomena. Have you ever heard a story of a young girl having 10K followers and glittery online life on one hand and is privately in massive crisis on the other, but because of her public exposure and reputation, she cannot admit it and if she did ask for help, she would have “failed” her second life and personality? This is more common than you might think and this person might even be your daughter or son, but you will have no clue about it until it might be too late.

I quite like the social media. It is a tool which can help us spread the word and share our message, keep up with people who matter, but we do not see every day and so much more. Like a knife, it is quite a useful tool (and a lethal weapon) if you use it as such. But there is one sincere promise in the content I decided to produce from the very beginning I started writing this blog in 2014. To never try to hide behind filters, make up or fake news. Undoubtedly I fail every once in a while and catch myself checking out influencers I like to follow as a form of my own escapism, but fortunately, this is rarely. This is far from easy. As someone working with people and often helping them find a way forward, I am under huge professional and public pressure. To be “normal”. The whole therapy (and similar) industry mainstream dictates that people who are in helping professions should appear as always strong, always knowing what to do, always cool and always with clever advice. Like role models, moral authorities, writing blogs and articles about what to do when X, how to react when Y or explain various mental health conditions which negatively affect people’s wellbeing, pretending they are above it and not at risk. As much as I support personal and professional mental hygiene, self care and supervision, I believe this pressure creates unnecessary barrier between us and our clients. I’d much rather say something like: “Hey, life’s seriously f***** me up a couple of times, but I’m still here and we are in this together”. And if each person would shout to another person a message of “We are humans and we are here for each other”, our communal mental health and connectedness would be different, not just measured in number of likes but also in people, who are proud to share themselves with the world as they are, not as they hope their followers want them to be.

So here is to the digital era of our multiple lives – may all of our lives and its shades shine in all of our imperfections and may our life lessons be recognised and cherished as a gift we are offering to the world, especially to young people who might be wondering what kind of people they would like to become and to show them it is possible to live a life they would enjoy even or especially when not camera ready.

Biba

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It feels so good to let the wind and rain randomly mess up the hair not worrying about messing up your public reputation. I wish more people gave themselves permission to share themselves in their every day beauty even when they can’t see any. 

I woke up in London and I’d like to give you an offer

Dear reader, especially dear young people, parents or families who could benefit from a Solution Focused conversation, here is an offer for you.

It feels so good waking up in London. New ideas coming my way and life happening all around! So appreciative of this huge, enormous, generous and fierce city! And here’s an offer for you, in case you missed it on social media. Join us and see “what we do” and “what this Solution Focused approach looks like” as a client and take part in our upcoming Masterclass in Solution Focused Brief Therapy in Slovenia.

On 1st and 2nd February 2020 we are organising annual Masterclass for professionals, who would like to learn skills of how to facilitate conversations that open up possibilities of a better future. Ribalon Institute, SLO, in collaboration with SF Possibilities, UK, will bring together three trainers/practitiners of Solution Focused Brief Therapy, who will teach and learn together with the group on those two days. You can find detailed programme here.

We would like to offer a live demonstration of Solution Focused conversation and therefore, we created this event, to join people who could benefit from it from both perspectives: clients as well as training attendees.

If you are a young person (till age of 30), a parent or if your family would like to join us as a client face to face or online via Skype, please get in touch with us. The service for you is completely free. For more information feel free to contact me at biba@ribalon.org.

Welcome! And hugs from London,

Biba

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I have my place I call home. If you are still looking for one, Solution Focused conversation might help.

Solution Focused Brief Therapy Masterclass in 2020

Dear reader,

despite mainly working internationally, I try to organise at least one Solution Focused training event in Slovenia. In 2020, this will be a Masterclass focusing on supporting young people, families and discovering the use of Solution Focused approach in agencies (schools, social services, parenting services, etc.). Ribalon Institute is therefore proudly hosting two special guests from United Kingdom and offering you a 2-day Masterclass in Slovenia for professionals working with families, children and young people in school settings, social services youth field or another educational sector. Here is a detailed Masterclass content, which will take place in Ljubljana on 1st and 2nd February 2020.

The course will:

  • introduce you to the principles and practices of solution focused interviewing when working with young people and/or whole families
  • teach specific interviewing skills
  • relate the learning to your everyday work, taking into account each person’s role and discipline.

For whom

The course will be useful to anyone who works with young people and/or their families including social workers, teachers, psychologists, mentors, teaching & learning assistants, youth workers, and anyone else concerned with helping young people and/or families develop. It is also a very good refresher for those who wish to keep their SF skills sharp and up to date. The course will be designed in the broadest sense so that each participant will find a way to apply solution focused skills in the different contexts in which support is likely to be offered. This will include working directly with parents, children, adolescents families and colleagues.

Solution Focused approach

The solution focused approach is based on the principle that we all have our own solutions, including each of our ‘clients’ and the job of the professional is to help their clients discover what these solutions. This is done by focusing on the future, on where the client wants to get to, and then concentrating on helping the client discover his or her own pathway to that future.

The solution focused approach is based a number of core principles:

  1. All service users have resources and tapping into these resources produces the best outcomes.
  2. Agency and client outcomes need to be equally addressed in order to maximise collaborative working.
  3. Building on success is one of the most effective ways to produce rapid change.
  4. We are the experts in our own lives and each person including each client should have an equality of opportunity to have their voice heard.

Course content and methods

The course will contain a lively mixture of presentation, video of actual sessions, discussion, and exercises. The exercises in pairs, threes and small groups are intended to introduce the skills, give participants the chance to practice these skills and offer the opportunity to reflect on current work.

Day one will cover all the basic building blocks of solution focused interviewing and will serve as both an introduction and as a refresher to the approach. Its main focus will be working one-on-one, with specific focus on young people and/or their parents.

Day two will build on the introductory skills giving participants a chance to develop their skills in a way that fits their everyday work. The focus will be on working with groups/whole units/multiple agencies.

As each course group will undoubtedly bring different skills and their clients will also present different challenges, so will our course be a unique event. All courses we offer teach the essential Solution Focused skills, but the balance of talking, watching video and practicing will show slight variations. Our courses are known for their flexibility and responsiveness, based on what we learned from BRIEF, which is considered the ‘gold standard’ of solution focused training across the world.

Day 1 (1st February 2020): Working Solution Focused 1-2-1 with individuals

  1. Participants’ stories of good practice
  2. Overview of solution focused practice: intentions behind Solution Focused questions
  3. Solution focused Listening when working one-on-one with young people, children, parents or professionals
  4. 5-10 minutes conversations: creating motivation and building conversations
  5. Charting better futures and (re)discovering hope

Day 2 (2nd February 2020): Working with more than one (whole families, schools, agencies)

  1. Eliciting competence and resources of groups and whole family units
  2. Identifying the client’s agenda when working with multiple agencies (i.e. teachers, parents, social services, colleagues in schools)
  3. Finding out what is already working in negotiating conflict (common best hopes when multiple people are involved)
  4. Building on success and pathways to good relationships
  5. Using multiple Solution Focused scales
  6. Attending to safety (how to work Solution Focused in Problem Focused environments)

Trainers

Ben Scott trained in Solution Focused Practice with BRIEF in London, and has since gone on to receive accreditation with UKASFP (UK Association of Solution Focused Practice). Ben works in the Education department of Bedford Borough Local Authority, co-ordinating a schools-based Solution Focused service, and providing targeted Solution Focused training to senior school staff. This training targets family support workers, pastoral leads, and Heads of Year. In addition, Ben uses Solution Focused Practice when volunteering for ‘Azalea’, a charity that supports women to exit from sexual exploitation and that offers mentoring to men who purchase sex and wish to quit doing so.

Greg Oberbeck has been using the Solution Focused approach for over seven years now, working with families as part of an ‘edge of care’ team within Essex County Council. In addition to working with families, Greg helps to develop practice through regular workshops, SF supervision as well as SF trainings. He has also wanted to continue to do more with the approach, and so over the past few years has been working with the Young Women’s Trust, providing SF telephone coaching and also has an online-based private practice. Like Ben, Greg has also been trained in Solution Focused Practice with BRIEF in London and is also received accreditation with the UKASFP.

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In January 2019 Ben, Greg and myself formed a new organisation in the UK called SF Possibilities, at which we are designing and delivering face-to-face and online training courses in Solution Focused practice in the UK and beyond with the mission of keeping the practice succinct, minimalistic and straightforward. Some of our work you will be able to experience in this two-day Masterclass, which will be geared specifically towards teachers, psychologists, learning support staff, mentors, youth workers, social workers and any other professionals working with children, young people or whole families. The course will be in English, with occasional Slovenian translation upon demand.

How to apply

In the February 2-day Masterclass, you will learn all the essential skills of Solution Focused tools and techniques and will be able to start putting them into practice as soon as you return to work. To book your place, please visit https://forms.gle/QfCvkzCVkVJusJsm8. The cost for the whole Masterclass is 320 eur. One day bookings are also possible (170 eur). For all the queries, contact me at biba@ribalon.org. We are very much looking forward to seeing you in February!

Ben, Biba & Greg

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Solution Focused Masterclass for professionals working with families, children and young people

Solution Focused practice is an approach to foster positive change effectively and in a considerably shorter amount of time than other approaches. It was developed in 1980’s by Steve de Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg as Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) and has since been worldwide used across different fields, such as therapy, social work, coaching, training, business, management, education, facilitation, project management, etc.

Solution Focused practice is having a massive impact on all aspects of education and is associated with making a massive difference in behaviour, attendance, school achievement, leadership and staff morale. It provides a simple framework for managing influential conversations between professionals and young people/children/families, which have the capacity to improve:

  • well-being of families, children or young people
  • parental support and cooperation
  • school attendance
  • learning
  • behaviour
  • relationships
  • enthusiasm and job satisfaction
  • burnout prevention

On 1st and 2nd February 2020, Ribalon Institute is proudly hosting two special guests from United Kingdom and offering you a 2-day Masterclass for Slovenian professionals working with families, children and young people in school settings, social services youth field or another educational sector.

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Ben Scott trained in Solution Focused Practice with BRIEF in London, and has since gone on to receive accreditation with UKASFP (UK Association of Solution Focused Practice). Ben works in the Education department of Bedford Borough Local Authority, co-ordinating a schools-based Solution Focused service, and providing targeted Solution Focused training to senior school staff. This training targets family support workers, pastoral leads, and Heads of Year. In addition, Ben uses Solution Focused Practice when volunteering for ‘Azalea’, a charity that supports women to exit from sexual exploitation and that offers mentoring to men who purchase sex and wish to quit doing so.

Greg Oberbeck has been using the Solution Focused approach for over seven years now, working with families as part of an ‘edge of care’ team within Essex County Council. In addition to working with families, Greg helps to develop practice through regular workshops, SF supervision as well as SF trainings. He has also wanted to continue to do more with the approach, and so over the past few years has been working with the Young Women’s Trust, providing SF telephone coaching and also has an online-based private practice. Like Ben, Greg has also been trained in Solution Focused Practice with BRIEF in London and is also received accreditation with the UKASFP.

In January 2019 Ben, Greg and Biba have formed a new organisation in the UK called SF Possibilities, at which they are designing and delivering face-to-face and online training courses in Solution Focused practice in the UK and beyond with the mission of keeping the practice succinct, minimalistic and straightforward. Some of their work you will be able to experience in this two-day Masterclass, which will be geared specifically towards teachers, psychologists, learning support staff, mentors, youth workers, social workers and any other professionals working with children, young people or whole families. The course will be in English, with occasional Slovenian translation upon demand.

In the February 2-day Masterclass, you will learn all the essential skills of Solution Focused tools and techniques and will be able to start putting them into practice as soon as you return to work. Full course content can be accessed here. To book your place, please visit https://forms.gle/QfCvkzCVkVJusJsm8. The cost for the whole Masterclass is 320 eur. One day bookings are also possible (170 eur). For all the queries, contact Biba at biba@ribalon.org. We are very much looking forward to seeing you in February!

Ben, Biba & Greg

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Click here for detailed course content.

First Year in London

Dear reader,

today is exactly one year since I formally left Slovenia, cancelled all my papers, accounts, insurances and moved to London with a one-way ticket, no work contract and no place to live. Looking back over the past year, I think it was the best decision I ever made but not because London would have been so spectacular or I wanted to escape something. Neither, really. It is more an analogy with our working with clients when at the beginning of our work, some would have it difficult describing what is it they are hoping for and even more difficult describing what that might look like. I did feel a bit doubtful and scared at the beginning, but also trusting that life will present itself to me best it could. And it did.

We live our lives the best we can in given circumstances. And many times we think we are giving all we can. And other times there is so much more to discover, but we do not give ourselves a chance or simply overlook that we might have extra resources, some of which we have long forgotten about or some we thought we never had. Yet they surface, when we need them.

And they surface when you do things you’ve never done before, in places you’re not used to. Easy roads do not make skilled drivers, but skilled drivers often don’t consider themselves as such once they master the skill. In Solution Focused Brief Therapy or Coaching we however do. Looking for hidden gems is exactly what us as practitioners are curious about – the resources people have and demonstrate every single day, but might not be aware of or the circumstances around them don’t recognise it as such. As was with me – now looking back moving to London doesn’t seem such a big thing, but thinking about it on this special day, my life has changed dramatically since then. Travelling loads, I always had a sense that I need to pack many things “just in case”. Whenever I moved in to a new place I wanted to make it a “home”. In the past year I learned that the more I drag around, the more I enhance my sense of vulnerability. I am totally comfortable with uncomfortable now and pack extremely light. Feel totally stable with unstable world. And those are actually skills – I know that everywhere I’ll go and anything I’ll do in the future, I’ll not only manage, but also enjoy the journey. I don’t need stable, predictable or safe anymore. It’s an illusion anyway. Life is a constant-changing process and stability is rather our enormous skills of survival and thriving disguised. So glad to be a Londoner now. Feels good to be here and I think I might stay another year. UK is a great country and I feel good in it. For now (and asking about Brexit – if UK government doesn’t know what to say, how would I?)

As for you, never underestimate your skills. Rather than looking how far you still need to go, how about turning back and celebrate how far you’ve come?

Biba

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Look forward, but don’t forget that you’ve got a rucksack full of resources with you. That’s the only baggage you’ll ever need.

Letter to lovers who let you down

Dear reader,

wanting to improve and/or move forward in relationships seems to be a very common topic in therapy, counselling and coaching. Relationships consist a very big part of our lives, our identities, our sense of belonging, they help shape our purpose of living, are reasons to get up in the morning, in short, they make our lives juicy and full.

Sometimes they also bring pain, disappointment, betrayal. They can be manipulative, abusive even, and that goes to all relationships – personal, professional, romantic, etc. They usually start beautifully, but then as you get to know each other better or as life happens in ways that make it harder for you to stay together, it becomes hard work and too much pain . Should you stay or should you go? Should you try harder with your partner or should you look for someone better for you? If you decide to fix the relationship, who should be the one to change first? How much of a compromise is still worth it?

Sounds familiar? Yeah, I’ve been there too. Many times. And as much as I’d love to give you an answer about how to move forward, I cannot, because everybody’s different. But that’s good news, because you already have the capacity to find the answers that will work for you (and your partner if you are in this together). Either you’ll find them on your own, or together with a professional, but don’t worry, you will.

I can however share with you a letter I wrote to my most significant relationships, which have hurt me.

Dear you,

you have left footprints in my life that will never fade. I am thankful for all of our good and bad moments together and the contrast they produced. I now know better what I don’t want and that makes it a good starting point to think about what is it that I do want. If we could go back, I would have repeated it all over again, second by second, because I know it was essential for the growth of both of us.

It may seem that you were all I ever wanted and it had been your fault things did not work out for us, because you couldn’t find enough time for me and couldn’t keep your promises. If you had, our relationship would have thrived. But I know now that this was false. It was not your fault, it was mine. You should never have been a condition for my ability to love and I now know better, not to give my heart to anyone with notice they may break it. I wished you and me were back in alignment, so much. And I would have done anything to fix this. Now I know what truly matters is me and me in alignment. You still may be my subject of attention, but the condition of my love will not be yours. It is not your job to love me. It is mine. It is not your responsibility to make me happy. It is mine.

The love that I was seeking was not where I was looking. So here I go, moving through life, with or without you. I will work on it and do my best to allow the things life has to offer to come my way, but for me, not for you. And I promise to myself not to let me down again. Relationship with me is the only relationship that will last me a lifetime, so the best place for my heart is to stay mine and not be anyone else’s. I want to invest it all into it. And when sometime in the future I do, life will flow through me, I will be my best version and I can promise you, that I will love again, differently, regardless who is around and even if there is no-one. You can be a part of this. But I don’t mind if you don’t. I got this.

Take care.

So here it goes, to all of you either loving or looking for love. Everyone deserves to be given a wild love from a gentle soul, like yours. Love doesn’t have to stop if your loved one stops loving you. Not sure my love letter is of any use, but who knows – sharing is after all, caring.

Biba

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We got this.