A Night of Wonder and Questions

Dear reader,

I’ve been back to the UK for a week now. It feels so good to be back, though not yet 100%, because I am still quite disabled, but close to feeling good enough. We had a great workshop with E. and C. at the United Kingdom Association for Solution Focused Practice in Liverpool and I was so pleased to meet some of now already old friends, getting to know some new ones and overall, have a very good time. Tomorrow I am travelling up North to teach a Masterclass in Sheffield, so life is treating me well.

And yet, I am somehow restless. Especially when I think of my Slovenian friends and Slovenia. It makes me somehow really sad that the climate and culture here, is so different to Slovenian. And I know I would not have recognised the difference if I haven’t been round the world to expand my horizon. There used to be a time, when I felt kind of “superior” for having this international dimension, capacity to think outside the box and embrace different outlook or worldview if you wish, compared to the one I was brought up in. Today I am realising it is still very much imbued within me and will probably stay with me forever, though I hope it might get smaller and smaller as I go about more useful ways of thinking and acting.

I met a dear Slovenian friend yesterday, who had left Slovenia five years ago. She said it was the best thing she’d ever done. I felt the same when I temporarily left it four years ago, but I am still kind of trying to keep coming back and trying to make a difference by sharing what I’ve learned. So far I am not sure about my success. Sometimes I think that if I stayed home longer, I might lean back towards the “old” ways of thinking and doing and as soon as I catch myself doing that, I feel rage and disappointment. On the other hand, being away, makes me want to spread my wings and share my happiness. And today I know that my inner flame will fade away if I won’t nourish it and take care of my own wellbeing, even if this means putting no one else first but me.

So I couldn’t go to sleep late into the night yesterday and have woken up at 4am today, listening to birds, watching the moon and wondering what life will bring me next. Where might I go? What might I do? Am I scared? Am I confused? What makes me happy? What does not? Am I allowing the good things for me to enter my life? Am I willing to accept that I can achieve beyond my current imagination?

I don’t know. All I know is that today as I was just exiting Holborn Underground station, a man stopped me and wanted to buy me a cup of coffee. I accepted. We spent lovely 20 mins together and I was wondering what his hidden agenda was. It turned out there wasn’t any – my presence and vibration simply attracted him and he couldn’t resist talking to me. I know I have a very magnetic, irresistible presence when I am in a good vibe. When I am not, I am average. Can I control which one to invite out? Wish that I might get there someday, but for now, these things only happen in London. To me at least. So I am guessing one should not try to find their purpose. The purpose will find you.

Biba

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View from my London bedroom window. Beautiful isn’t it?

 

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Do Men Really Love Bitches?

Dear reader,

I am no relationship expert. In fact I’ve no idea about why or how relationships work or don’t. I just have them. But recently I’ve noticed a very interesting outlook, trending among women, young and mature. It is a belief that men don’t love nice girls, they love bitchy girls. The underlying message is that women should put themselves first and never look needy to a man.

I am seeing clients, lots of young women, sometimes couples. And I noticed that this new trend is somehow misunderstood and misinterpreted hugely. It conveyed many young women to literally become iron bitches, not caring about anyone and anything but satisfying their own needs.

This is not what it’s about.

There was a video circulating on FB about a mother with her son, playing in a playground. Other kids were teasing him and have been really rude towards him, because he was black. Sadly as it was, none of their parents reacted. And no, that didn’t happen in America, it happened in Spain. I went to a mall today. As I was just resting a bit, because I can’t walk for a very long time, both of my crutches fell on the floor. People were passing by and not even one stopped and offered any help.

While I do believe that people should not be overly helpful, I do not think that this is the kind of society I’d want to live in.

So back to the topic. No, men (or any human being really) in fact do not like bitches. Actually nobody likes self-centred careless bitches (and even they themselves probably don’t). Just remember what difference one single kind word can make. Or a genuine smile. A small gesture of kindness. Some care, not expecting anything in return, just because you are a lovely person. It will not cost you your throne, on the contrary – you’ll become a queen of people’s hearts without trying or wanting to.

So please, my dear women, girls, don’t swap your kind caring nature for cold, masculine steel. But yes, do like yourself, do take care of what you need and yes, do enjoy your femininity. Do put many efforts in trying to feel good in your body and spirit, and also do contribute with whatever you are and have got, to make this world a nicer place. Give, don’t close down. No one has ever become poor by giving.

Lots of love,

Biba

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You do not have to be a bitch for men to love you …

Guest post: “I’ll be ok if…”

Dear reader,

I’ve been so privileged to have met wonderful people on my journey. People who have inspired me, people who have been silly with my, people who have laughed and cried with me. Today I am giving you Chris. He is a Registered Mental Health Nurse, employed as a Wellbeing Advisor at a university. Most of his time is spent talking with students about how they may overcome any difficulties and achieve their aspirations. Chris once told me he wants to make a wider impact by spreading joy. I think it joy one of the highest purposes of life, so I suggested he writes something for us. Here it goes, hope you’ll enjoy it ❤

How do you know when you are at your best? What do you do in those moments? What might it look like to other people? What might you still be doing, and what might other people see if you still somehow manage to experience a moment in which you are at your best even when everything is going wrong? When nothing in your life in that moment is the way you’d prefer it to be?

In between the moments when you experience that, even during lengthy spells when you experience a major setback and don’t recognise yourself as that person any more, but instead find everything about how you’re behaving, thinking and feeling distasteful, yet maybe also strangely compelling, when you can’t remember how to be any other way… What are the different things you do during those spells that somehow deliver you back to the next moment, even if it’s only a fleeting moment, in which you are again at your best? The things you’re doing differently in that moment, compared to how you were doing them in the previous moment, when everything was wrong and nothing was working?

Whatever those things are, they are your things, hard earnt things, and they clearly work.

What might happen if you do more of them?

Your instinct is probably at least partly trustworthy, you probably will be ok if… you do the things that work for you. Not necessarily the things you feel compelled to do at first, out of habit or some notion of what you probably should do, but the things that genuinely work for you, as proven by subsequently resulting in you, and the other people in your life, recognising that you are a step closer to being you at your best. Rather handily, whether you do these things or not in any given moment, you’ve seen the pattern, you know how this goes; eventually you’ll be ok again. Then you wont. Then you will. Then you wont. Then you will. When you’re not ok, sooner or later you’ll do something different that works for you, then you’ll be ok. If you’re not sure what it’ll be, wait and see, and whilst you’re waiting, ask yourself how you’ll know when you’re ok again, or even better, when you’re at your best.

Chris Ward for Biba’s blog

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Don’t focus on letting go. Focus on letting in!

Dear reader,

I am back to work and have started to see clients again. Very often they come with some serious problems and loads of baggage from past negative experiences they want to let go of but can’t or has been going on for too long, perhaps going on still.

Sometimes they would come with some habits or addictions they would like to change and sometimes they come stressed, nervous about certain events or people and would like to let go of certain relationships.

My recent experience in the hospital of having been pushed in a life situation where I felt I lost pretty much everything, I remember lying in my bed and trying to let go. Let go of my irritation because someone really significant to me pushed me away, let go of the physical pain I was feeling, let go of fear what would happen the next day, let go of the overwhelming sensation that I blew up my body, my life and my future. The more I was “trying” to let go, the more irritated I felt. I knew I had to do something, or I would have gone mad, but whatever I tried to do, or whichever TED talk or whatever I was trying to calm down, didn’t work.

Then I realised I was trying to deal with my situation from a wrong angle. I was trying to let go of something unwanted and spent loads of energy and efforts trying to sort of “eliminate” the “bad stuff”. Of course that didn’t work! I was doing it from the stance of deprivation, feeling powerless, abandoned and hurt. I didn’t know any better than this. Well, many times letting go has worked, but not this time. I needed something different.

Then a thought came:

Why focusing on letting go. Why not focus on letting in?

This made all the difference. Being focused on what I wanted to let into my life had nothing, I tell you, NOTHING to do with what I wanted to let go of. At that moment, I wanted to let in some peace, calmness, tenderness, appreciation of beauty, people around me, service and my body which was fighting like a female tiger. As soon as I started searching for answers to what it was that I wanted to let in, my whole situation changed. My circumstances were the same, my roommates too, the clock was ticking with the same irritable sound, with a difference that all of a sudden it hasn’t been bothering me anymore.

Now I am using this question with my clients. Have recently been working with a highly suicidal girl who has been hospitalised several times due to self harming behaviour. The question of what was it she’s been wanting to let into her life and what difference that would have made for her, made all the difference. She is more than fine now, has found a boyfriend and they have just been away for their first weekend together.

We think life is complicated. True, it is complex, and layered, and beyond our understanding or explanation. But it doesn’t have to be very complicated if you find a way how to get yourself in a receptive mode where you can let or allow the good stuff waiting out there for you, to come in. It is there, right there. But you might be too busy to notice it, being too focused on what you don’t want and what you want to let go of.

With love,

Biba

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No reason to live? Get offline!

Dear reader,

More than one month since my last blog. In the meantime, I’ve had a Periacetabular Osteotomy hip operation. This is clearly not a small operation and the rehabilitation will take up to 6 months. It has been very painful, quite complicated, at moments more than a physical massacre. I am using crutches and am on a wheelchair now. With many restrictions, many narcotics, feeling dizzy, sloppy, slow.

But I tell you. I am having one of the best times of my life. The hospital where I was operated was more a hotel rather than a hospital, with view of the sea and peacocks perching on my window every morning and evening. We had the best time with my roomies – the last day before I was dismissed to be sent home I did every woman’s nails. My body has become my very best friend and companion – recovering rapidly. As soon as I got home I was quite independent, in spite all the restrictions and difficulties. Came off morphine last week, even thought I should be taking narcotics at least one more week. Have begun to drive already, even though I shouldn’t for at least for another four weeks. And no, I am not pushing it, am not trying to do the impossible, because I do not feel the urge or need to prove anything to anyone. My body is simply recovering splendidly. Even I myself am amazed. Of course there are ups and downs, but all in all, our bodies are miracles. And we tend to forget this way too often. Such a pity, really.

So that’s what’s been happening in the past month. But that’s not what I wanted to share with you. I wanted to tell you that one thing which helped me recover most, was being offline. Spending time with people who matter to me. Face to face. Closely. You know, when such life events happen, they make you pause and reflect. About what truly matters. I remember lying in my hospital bed, waiting to be taken to the operation room and since there have been quite some complications, I was not sure of whether I was gonna wake up or not. I was quite tired, stripped, fed up, have lost my independence, dignity, even hope. I knew the rehabilitation will be long and hard. I knew I will be in lots of pain (though couldn’t have imagined in what pain – had I known I might have changed my mind to allow this operation in the first place 🙂 ). In such moments it’s hard to find hope. But it is still possible to find joy. Find joy in the present moment, embrace it as it is. So I remember letting go of everything and simply decide to feel good. It worked. It so f****** worked that I still can’t believe it. And then I knew I was gonna be alright. Whatever will happen and wherever I will be, I will be alright.

Obviously, I have woken up, and I am here. Alive more than ever. But with one huge difference. Before this experience I was three things: being very ambitious, successful and at the same time pushing myself (and my body) beyond its limits. Now I realised this was perhaps attractive before, but it’s a new day today. Today I am not doing my life with anything but my heart anymore. What matters in the end, are the relationships. “Offline” relationships. Offline in the sense of being real. I have many very close friends whom I am mostly seeing online, but I count our relationships under “offline” category, because they are so genuine, so close, loving, affectionate. Yes, when it comes to life and death, you rearrange your priorities, And whatever you do, achieve, create, will not matter. What will matter is how much you have loved. So I decided to love. Dearly, passionately, closely.

I can’t tell you how much my life has changed. Yes, I might be disabled. Yes, I might be restricted. In pain. Weak. Fragile. But I have left such a huge baggage behind, which is called trying to make an impression, hiding, striving for to perfection. I don’t care about any of these anymore. If people like me, we’ll get together. If they don’t, there are almost 8 billion people on this planet so I won’t waste a thought on people who don’t match my frequency. But for those who do, I’d do everything. They are my life. If you are reading this or following this, you are my life too. I am your life too. And in the cold light of dawn, that’s what makes us human beings, that’s what gives us sense of belonging, that’s what creates joy. Which I believe is next to love, the second most powerful feeling.

Hope you are doing well. Tell me how you are 🙂

With much love,

Biba

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Do Not Help Others

Dear reader,

It is one of the most rewarding gestures and sensations when you can help another living being in need of help. More often than not, I meet people who share with me that they would like to contribute, to make a positive difference and help others. It has also been scientifically proven that getting presents for others gives you a much more rewarding feeling, than getting yourself one.

So all in all, helping each other is nice. It is also socially encouraged. Noble. Virtuous.

But in the long run, it has one downside. It is simply wrong.

Helping others makes the other one recipient. Sometimes even a helpless subject. Hence the power isn’t equal. This has been one of the main concerns of ethics of care. The care-giver and care-receiver relationship should be equal if you truly TRULY want to make a difference. They both should aim for caring for and caring about each other. Otherwise helping others has one huge disadvantage. It diminishes the brilliance and potential of the one receiving help.

I am not saying helping is wrong. It is still much better than not caring. But before helping you should make sure, that your help is wanted and the way how you want to help is indeed being helpful to the other. If you cannot confirm this, you are on the slippery road. Empathy is very wrong. It leaves you unbalanced, because people’s stories touch you too deeply if you are a sensitive soul. Compassion is much much better. And to be compassionate, you don’t have to help, but simply to be there for the other human or animal being. It is enough.

People have the potential to help themselves. If you are getting in the way by doing that for them, you are stealing their brilliance. With the purest and most honest intentions, yet you are still doing it.

If on the other hand you can inspire others so they can help themselvesyou have done enough and most you can do.

So think about it. Instead of looking after others and looking for ways how you can be helpful, turn inwards and do your best to help yourself. To take care of yourself, so that you can be your best version. It will create a vibration around you that people will find attractive, fascinating, and will because of it get inspired. And from there, they will take it their own ways, in the directions you would never have imagined. But this is none of your business. The one and only thing that is your business is taking care of your own wellbeing. And then the rest is a piece of cake. Abundance. Creating more abundance. I know that I do the best job as a therapist if I make sure, I am being my best version. What the client does after the session and whether it has been helpful for them, is entirely in their hands and none of my business. Also none of my interest.

So get out of people’s way and mind your own business. You might be surprised by its effect.

With love and no intention to be helpful at all,

Biba

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How did my butt get so big??

Dear reader,

funny story, this will make you laugh. Easter holidays and people are having days off, meaning shopping malls to be crowded, heavy traffic and loads of food. Perfect. I managed to break my husbands teapot and a big water jug, but hey, I’ve always been quite clumsy. Promised him to get him a new one and so there we were, today in the morning, putting our rain-boots on and getting ready to conquer the mall.

As I was putting my coat on, I looked at myself in the mirror. I was wearing pants not very flattering for my body shape, and as I looked at myself from behind, I went:

Omg since when’s my butt become so big?

My husband replied with: “No wonder it’s been big, you’re sitting 24/7, that’s what you’ve been doing.”

Now every woman ever will know that he screwed up big time. So there I was, my turn to react (or not). I could think of at least 246 choices. Here are a few:

  • I could have been devastated and could have spent another 2 hours examining my look from behind from every angle and trying to figure out whether he was right.
  • I could have bursted into tears for him being so rude and for telling the truth.
  • I could have felt really really bad, humiliated, ugly and unattractive and might have started thinking about dieting or exercising (but that’s not possible at the moment, because I can’t even walk).
  • I could have fallen into despair.
  • I could have tried to defend myself by shouting at him.
  • Or pretend to be an ostrich and not deal with the whole thing at all.
  • I could have killed my husband for being an idiot.
  • Or send someone to do that for me.

Now, before you send someone round to shoot my husband, please note that he’s never been very good with verbal expressions. Not that I am defending him or anything.

I know so many women to whom an event like that would spoil their entire day or week. And in a millisecond before starting to shout at him, I played several scenarios and how that might impact my day, I decided to do some assessment and pick the most useful response. Not for him, but for me.

  • My husband made a rude remark, which I will ignore and will not let it impact any of my thoughts or actions, except for writing this blog.
  • He is well aware it was rude. I’ll leave it up to him to deal with it. His laundry is none of my business.
  • It’s true that I’m sitting a lot lately. But it’s not because I would chose to do so, it’s because I am currently in too much pain to do any exercise or walk.
  • It’s the time of the month when my body’s doing its best to hold a possible baby. So consequently I might be a bit bloated. My breasts are bigger (and welcomed), so why would my butt not be allowed to be as well?
  • If my butt indeed has become bigger, so what. It is still my butt, I love it, it is serving me very well and I’ll keep loving it.
  • Big butts are very sexy.
  • If it will indeed bother me or will become uncomfortable, I will do something about it. But at the moment I am totally okay with it.
  • I am actually looking forward to having a big butt. In the upcoming months I will be sitting a lot and it is better to sit on a soft cushion than sit on a bony footstool.

See the difference? The trick is you can always, ALWAYS chose how certain events might affect you. Today I was in a good vibration, so I managed to do it elegantly and in only a second. And you got a witty story 🙂

Here’s to our butts,

Biba

Happy National Kissing Day!