Time for a New Welcome and Passing Things On

Dear reader,

some of you have been with me since the beginning of this page (2014) and some of you have been a huge or a small part of this journey over the past seven years. A while ago, way before the pandemics, I was sat at a hairdresser’s, kept there way longer than I was willing to and served by a woman that was too talkative for my taste but she changed the way I view the time and purpose of life since this strange encounter.

As is often the case with hairdressers, they are far better therapists than us. And also great conversation makers. She told me everything about her family, her being in London, her past, present and future. A part of the story was about her grandfather who used to be very close to her when she was little, back in Greece. He was a jolly kind and very popular man, but much trouble to his wife, as nobody really knew how many children he had and how many women with. As such, female village counterparts were pretty cross with the bloke, but somehow my hairdresser, back then a little girl and him formed a bond for life. And one day she asked him: “Grandpa, so many people are cross with you and unhappy with how you are, so many people love you, so many people want you beside and also lots of people want to see you dead – why don’t you live more like they want you to? Why are you this way, so … free and careless?” And his answer was impressive. He said: “Kiddo, I am only here on a tourist visa. This visa will one day expire. I am not here to waste any of my time, nor to postpone what I want to do and how much love I want to give to later, because I am not sure when the expiry date will be. So my stay here is very temporary and I want to fully embrace it. Remember kiddo, this is not a permanent residence we’ve been granted, it’s merely a tourist visa.” Oddly, he died when he was 101 so his visa had quite a long duration and at present, there’s a legend circulating about him as the man who lived fully, but as if he was going to die anytime. At his funeral thousands cried and one of his grandchildren started an organisation helping young people find their purpose in life and place in this world.

We drag so much stuff around with us as we go about living in this world. Things we think we need, insurance policies we are hoping to protect us from the future, luggage and double packed items that are “just in case”, people and relationships that are not right for us but we still keep them “in case they change” and so on. And all this stuff paradoxically only enhances our sense of vulnerability – the more we drag around, the more vulnerable we feel. And the older we get, the less we dare and the safer we play.

A long time ago I wrote a post on not letting go, but instead letting in. And throughout this journey, I have been deliberately focusing on this – letting new things in and allowing for them to work their magic, instead of putting focus on trying to eliminate, get rid of or let go of the things that were not serving, supporting or useful anymore. This required a lot of trust in things working out and not getting in the way by trying to work too hard to work them out. And here I am now, seven years later, in another country, doing things I love, being able to love and be loved. And soon, I will be entering a different stage of life, where my life path and visa will be shared for a while, who knows how long and to what extent, but hoping it would be long enough sharing it with a man that has been everything I ever hoped for in every aspect, so much so it’s sometimes hard to believe it’s real. As it’s sometimes hard to believe that my life path and journey would ever include welcoming a little girl into this world. I am very much hoping that her arrival and start to life will be in a way that she’ll be able to enjoy her family and soon into a life where hopefully, she will be able to create a life experience for herself that she and those around her would be pleased with.

Welcome to my world little baby girl, a world that is no longer mine but expanded and shared with your dad. Thank you for giving us both a chance to become a family and to experience joys of having you and each other. I am of course terrified you’re a girl, because if you’ll be anything like I was in my teenage years, only universe can help me understanding and supporting you, but I am looking forward to it nonetheless. Hope you will always know that your mum can kick ass when needs be so you can have an example of a woman who is standing tall in flip flops in this world and is not afraid of anything, but also one that has her embrace open for you to come to, even or especially when you won’t feel like.

We can’t wait to meet you. And for you, dear reader, I can’t wait to see where the next blog will come from – what time, what state, what content. It might be a while before it happens and perhaps you might no longer be interested in it – a sign that our paths are not crossing anymore. Or you might start sharing it more closely and see something in it that could be of use for you. In either case, I am pleased you are here, sharing your tourist visa and hoping that your stay here is full of life in all it has to offer in a way that is right for you.

With love,

our family.

Trying hard to work things out limits the possibilities of things working out if you allow them. I am so pleased that I never tried too hard and this happened as a consequence. A home and a family.

Not interested in therapy anymore. I never was.

Dear reader,

It doesn’t interest me if you’ll read this post. What matters is, if it might add to your day so that you can be in alignment with who you are and want to be.

It is not my ambition to collect likes and followers. What really matters to me, is whether we will get to the point of being true to each other and be well off together, or separately.

It hasn’t been of my concern of whether this world will be a better place because of me. As long as it is not worse.

Why do we post on social media? To impact? Impress? Sell? Inform? Show off? Justify our existence? Please don’t, the world is already overly cluttered. What I want is to share with you simple, casual, everyday images and thoughts, no photo filters or editing, not in order to shock or impress or inspire, but simply to share authenticity and an image of real life, not camera-ready or social media cropped. And I am interested in seeing you, for who you are and how you are, not just when things go right but when they go everywhere.

Life is so much better when lived and enjoyed together. So I do care about each and every one of you, whether we have met yet or not, whether we will find a common language, or not.

I just hope that every living being feels comfortable in their shoes/bodies and is brave enough to share their life story as it is, not as the mass media, pressure and competition think it should be. And that every being is left alone, not pressed to be different. We are not competing, we are travelling, changing, expanding. If I can do it, you can do it, everyone can do it. There is nothing special about me or my life. It’s just that I along the way, decided not to strive to be exceptional or an achiever. I allowed to be every-day average and enjoying it. And life unfolded in front of my eyes in ways I could have never imagined, I am thriving and my work calendar is full until July.

Change is constant and inevitable, this is one of the core assumptions in Solution Focused Brief Therapy. Therapy, traditionally, has been viewed as trying to fix what has been broken or to bring people onto the “right” path (again or for the first time). People are not broken. We have had different life experiences which have been offering us lessons over and over again. Sometimes we learn and sometimes we don’t and that’s learning too. But we are never broken, just undone. And once we are done, we’ll probably leave this place and go somewhere else.

So may I be undone with you, haven’t shaved legs or done my nails for weeks and yet I am not sure what I might lack this very moment. Things are changing. And so are we. In this world, sometimes together, sometimes separately, but we are all sharing this Planet so … I care about you. Living being, be it a stone, a river, a fly, cat or dear reader.

With love,

Biba

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There is a fine line between genius and crazy. I like to use that line as a jump rope. Photo D. Hogan, Frankfurt SF Trainers Conference 2019

This Year Santa Brought Me No Presents

Dear reader,

those of you who are in touch through Facebook know that I had to leave the UK immediately and rush back to Slovenia because my husband ended up in intensive care. Unfortunate and unpredictable as it is, his blood platelet count was zero. Not low, but zero. This is likely a consequence or a side effect of his leukaemia with which he’s been diagnosed just as I came back from the UK in August, determined to move there in October.

So this year under our Christmas tree there were no presents for me because nobody was able to bring me any.

Do these events make me sad? Does it mess up with my plans? Am I worried about the future? Big questions, which do not necessarily need to be answered because there is no certain answer. But they do make one pause and think. Everyone is different and everyone’s story is unique. That said, one cannot generalise and predict that what might be good for some, might not be the worst thing for others.┬áSo here are some of my current thoughts to carry into 2019 and my Christmas present for you.

I believe the purpose in life is not to be happy. Or to be successful, having a family or great career maybe. A meaningful job and close friends. All of these things matter, of course. And it seems all of these things are for one reason only. We believe those things will make us feel better in the having of it. So to me a purpose of my life is, simply, joy. I decided to take a shortcut by already feeling good, regardless whether having or not having all the things or relationships one might consider important to live a purposeful life.

Joy. I am bringing joy with me wherever I go. Am not a messenger, teacher, influencer leader or a motivational speaker but was somehow born with the ability to make others feel good. I guess it comes from having simply decided that I want to feel good and spread this vibe around, not because that would be my wish or intention, but because the spread and impact just happens. Some people like it and are drawn towards it and that is good, others do not like it and stay away and that is good too as it doesn’t do any harm. The world doesn’t need more leaders who’d make you feel you’re never doing enough and will never reach out to them. It needs people who are kind and who make their everyday special. Who make others feel special. It literally needs people like you. So don’t hide and share your specialness with your world.

Here’s my little secret. I am choosing to be carefully selective of the thoughts I think. In doing so, I am staying close with people and other living beings I am sharing this planet with, with a deliberate intention to focus on the aspects of their personalities and behaviours that I truly like and admire. It just makes my life much simpler and most important – fun. A life everyone has a chance to enjoy regardless of what is “real”.

In 2018 so many things have happened that could have so much influence on this sense of joy. I had a major operation and a long and painful recovery. My husband got his diagnosis and the outlook isn’t good. My closest friend had an operation too as well as massive complications with it and is still not well. People around me are dying. Divorcing. Fighting. Destroying. My own future is uncertain. Where will I be? What will I do? Will I make it? And yet, in spite of all this going on, I am generating joy. Massive joy. Not because I would try to run away from all that is going on. Or because I want to inspire others. I chose joy because to me that’s the essence and purpose of my being. Everything else will work out. I don’t have to figure it out, all I have to do is allow for things to work out for me while I take care about feeling good.

Perhaps this adds to your day. Perhaps it does not. And I do wish you lots of joy and feeling good. It’s our natural state of being. Pain, stress or misery are not our natural conditions no matter how long you may have been exposed to it. As simple as that.

Happy Christmas.

Biba

 

Let us spread joy together!