Tag Archives: birthday

Almost Birthday – one of the worst days of my life

Dear reader,

This post contains some adult inappropriate language. Not suitable for children’s bedtime story.

At the end of 2017, I heard someone say 2018 is going to be a »year of a mad dog« according to some Chinese whatever. That it would bring loads of health problems as well as some rude cuts and endings, some of which should be made/done ages ago. She also said that those who would refuse to be genuine, will have a very hard time. I don’t believe any of this stuff, be it horoscope, destiny, card reading, whatever. Which means I am probably too stupid to understand and too limited to give it a go. However, sometimes I wonder whether there’s something to it …

My past few months have been quite turbulent. Or better to say, the past 6 months. I told you my body’s been protesting for quite some time. My immune system’s been very poor. I accepted it and tried various things to fix it. Somewhat successful, but every few weeks I got another dose, and apparently this is a sign I am not doing the right thing. Those of you who have seen me also know, I have had quite some problems with my leg. Since last summer I can’t run anymore. I’m in constant pain and it got worse in the past 3 months to the extent that I couldn’t sleep without painkillers.

It all got to a point where I needed to see a doctor, which I never ever do, because I don’t trust them. It all went very quickly – from an “innocent” knee pain to the fact that my hip is very damaged. A few days ago I found out that in 3 weeks I’ll have a quite big operation of my right hip, called periacetabular osteotomy. The rehabilitation process after the surgery will take up to 6 months and after 8 months I’ll need to have another operation. At about the same time I got some other news, which upset me much more than my own. My friends and colleagues have been diagnosed with terminal diseases. One colleague with pancreatic cancer, so he’s got his months counted. Other friends are getting divorced. I don’t know what to think of all of this except that it is a clear sign and an invitation for something for me to learn, but I don’t seem to figure out what, because it keeps getting worse and worse.

I got into London today to do some teaching, which I am very much looking forward to. I don’t know when I might come back again. It might even be my last time, definitely last time walking like this. I don’t know, I can’t know. We don’t know. Tomorrow might not be. Thinking these thoughts, I messed up my travels. I got on the wrong bus, got off the wrong station, took the second bus into the wrong direction, lost my Oyster card … which brought me somewhere in the middle of nowhere, as if I was in London for the very first time. So, there I was, with my heavy backpack, in a light coat, as I haven’t checked the weather forecast. Freezing, not being able to walk. My leg hurt like hell, the battery on my phone went off so I didn’t even know where I was. I thought: “Okay, I’ll accept this, embrace this and try to figure out what to do with cool head”. The same way I’ve been somehow coping in the past 6 months because I thought this is the way to go about – quite unusual for me, but perhaps suitable, moderate and mature. I started walking, made 5 steps and couldn’t go on, because my pain was prohibiting it. Then someone came by, hit me with their bag and poured their drink on me, accidentally. And then I lost it.

Fuck this, fuck trying to accept things, bend my head and adjust. Screw being polite, attentive, caring, putting everyone else first and trying to do the right thing. Damn it the polite language and manners. It’s obviously not working for me. I am just simply not a kind person, nor am I well-behaved, calm, with good manners, caring or easy to get on with. I am fucking brilliant, temperamental, rude, passionate, fast, but with an amazing capacity to connect people and make them feel good about themselves. I’ve got my negatives and positives, but they are not moderate – they are extreme! No wonder I have many people who adore me, and also many who hate me. But not many who would be neutral. So what’s all the fuss with stoical “accepting”, “embracing”, “being all spiritual” and “zen-like”. This is obviously not my thing, no matter how useful it might be. For some. Not for me. I told the person off big time and he attacked me, verbally (not without reason). He was twice my size so he’d easily kill me if he wanted to, there, somewhere in a dodgy London suburbia. I started laughing in the middle of his verbal diarrhoea. And so did he after his surprised look. We then together called an Uber and got where we both had to be and it turned out to be close to where I needed to be.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Since my last one, I was very much looking forward to it, as it is a very nice number and the one I thought will be somehow memorable. Was hoping to celebrate it with some of my favourite people here in London, like the last year. But in only one year, everything’s changed. I am very likely to end up being alone tomorrow. So on one hand I am quite fed up with everything, but on the other hand, I suspect that I hit the bottom today at this damned bus station and tomorrow I’ll be me again. Being ahead of some tough times. My closest people are ahead of tough times too. Now we’ll see what’s real. What’s authentic. All the rosy glasses will break and what will remain is us being naked. I think I am ready by not being ready. My operation and rehab will be long and very painful. I’ll be receiving morphine and will have to learn how to walk again. I might lose some of my closest people. I’m definitely not ready for that. But I am not scared to love them and I will not fake it through the journey, even if it means upsetting many people, risking things or starting brand new. But I realised that I should be so protective of me and people closest to me, that I’ll simply dismiss everything and everyone for simply having the wrong energy. Fuck this, life is too short and there are too many things I don’t want to miss. Like loving a lot. Laughing a lot. Telling the rest to F*** off. Sorry for my language in this post, but your problem if you have a problem with it 🙂 and it’s my bday soon, right?

I don’t know how able I’ll be to write in the upcoming months. I’m also cutting down nearly all my work. But I’ll try to keep you updated in hope that you might get something in this journey for you in case you are facing some of your own tough situations, called life. We won’t get out alive anyway. So let’s go baby, full speed!

Biba

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No makeup. No masks. No filter. No plans. Many hopes?

It took me 33 years to figure out what I already knew when I was 5 …

Dear reader,

a happy day – my bday today. And I just came back from New Zealand. I went there for the purpose of introducing our Coaching for Change initiative, thinking I might have something to offer and might inspire some people in NZ to dare try out new things and follow new paths.

I couldn’t have travelled any further, New Zealand is literally on the opposite site of Earth compared to where I live. It took me about 19,000 km one way to remember what I already know. And to meet someone I have long forgotten. At the moment, I am back in London and though I love this city and its people, something has changed. It took me so long (distance and time wise) to realise

I don’t belong here. I am unable and unwilling to follow this world’s rules.

So I have a successful and promising international career. A fabulous life, partner, friends, job, lifestyle. I consider myself a happy person generally. I like what I do, like the relationships I have, the habits we all follow more or less and rituals which make us a Western society.

And yet, it is a fake life. At least some of the time.

In New Zealand, somewhere down the South island, as we were hiking one national park, I met two lama-like animals behind a fence. Being an animal lover, I couldn’t resist not to talk to them and wanting to pet at least one. They seemed amused and interested, though a bit shy. And eventually, one of them decided to come closer. What happened next, turned my world upside down.

I stepped back.

I’ve done so because I remembered these animals are very likely to spit in your face, which can be painful, not to mention the disgust and embarrassment. So I removed myself to a distance where the lovely thing could not reach me. So this animal just stood there and observed me, a bit sad that I wouldn’t come closer and changed my mind.

As I turned my back and moved on, my soul was crying: “What has happened to me that made me such a careful, risk-free and distant person? When did I lose my passion and courage to do what I felt like doing, regardless of a possible risk? How did I become someone who “plays it safe”? Is this the new, adult me?” And most of all: “Does it feel right and do I like the person I’ve become?”

I had some serious thinking to do. As we were driving, I kept quiet for hours, trying to figure out what just happened and what to do with it. And all I saw, was a little girl standing next to this animal, petting it, smiling and having a good time. She then turned around and towards me. Her smile disappeared and she looked down, disappointed, guilty and sad.

It was a young, earlier version of myself. And she was disappointed with my current, adult version.

This is not who I want to be. I met someone I long knew and she was still there. Hidden, forgotten, but definitely still there. So I am back to London now. And this time I find it boring. Watching people carrying a Starbucks coffee in one hand, a shopping bag in another, looking at their phones and wearing headphones, being constantly in touch with everyone, updating them about what they are doing and what a fantastic life they are having, not noticing or daring to smile to a stranger passing by. I watched women window shopping, craving for items they cannot afford. Reading magazines to learn to fit in and be attractive, interesting, energised, funny, smart, effective, seductive, etc. I saw women buying the latest Gucci bag in an excellent outfit, with spotless makeup, thin figure, high heels and luxury car, who were nothing but bored, so they kept themselves busy buying another bag or pair of shoes, this time from another luxury designer. I observed men in smart casual shirts, secretly smoking behind a corner, working for a top employer in consultancy industry, making their customers “happy” by selling them things or services they do not believe in. And I heard a conversation on the phone about how much someone is craving for the upcoming holidays, where they would travel far away and go nuts, enjoying cocktails on the beach, getting high at music festivals and basically do everything to escape their everyday. Even if it’s just for two weeks. And I saw a family in a car with kids in the back seats, each absorbed in their iPads, not talking, not looking through the window, not existing. And as they came out, they went into a McDonalds instead to a playground.

Usually, I observe people because I am curious. Or I see something they are wearing/doing and I want to be like them. But now, all I wanted was to take my shoes off and return to the jungle. The city and its speed makes me want things I do not need, buy clothes I do not fit in, put makeup on that turns me to a woman media wants me to be in order to impress people I don’t even like.

So today I’m smiling. I don’t need any of this. Actually, I don’t want any of this. When I see an animal I’d want to talk to it and pet it. If I want to eat a cake, I will do it. Have a second piece if it’s good. I want to sing in a shower, even though I am a terrible singer. I’d want to laugh out loud if someone tells a good joke, even if I might embarrass some of the people around. I want to ride a bike decorated in flowers and I want to have a picnic in the park where it says “don’t walk on a meadow”. I won’t buy beauty products, because I don’t care if I wake up looking horrible. I won’t wear high heels because it will make my legs look thinner. If I will wear it it will be because I would feel like wearing it. However it’s much more likely I will wear Doc Martens boots instead. I don’t want to go to parties in order to lose myself and relax from busy lifestyle. I want to wake up every day and know that I am alive and I will do things I want to do for the purpose of me wanting it, not anyone else.

Dearest New Zealand, thank you so much for this precious gift. I came to see you because I wanted to give you something, Instead, I left with enormous strength, power and will to dream, love and care in a totally different way. You reminded me what a real world looks like and which things are truly important. I will be seeing you again. I promise.

Biba

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What you really need to make you feel alive can be much simpler than you imagine … and closer.

My Birthday Gift came early this year

Dear reader,

I am a lucky human. How come I know? I have people around the globe who care about me.

I am an inteligent human. How do I know? I learn from mistakes and if something doesn’t work, I do it differently.

I am resilient. How to know that? Life constantly gives me challenges. If I would not be able to cope with what comes, life wouldn’t send it. And I am.

I make a difference. I see that in every smile and every kind word.

I care. I care about you, reading this blog, I care about the birds in the winter, I care about the cigarettes on the floor and pick them up.

I love. Beacuse I want to give. I love because love is life. I love life.

I receive. My fairy has sent me 2 packages of Solution Focused books. All basic masterpieces that will help me grow. She has sent me a small personal piece from every author, some of them I’ve met personally, some not yet, and now they are on my shelf. And they care. And I can share them with others as Solution Focused community in my country will grow. Though my cat doesn’t look very interested, but I know she feels the energy 🙂

My birthday gift came early this year. Thank you, my fairy, for making a difference in my life.

waaaaw