Tag Archives: client

Therapy doesn’t work. Coaching doesn’t work either. Clients work!

Dear reader,

in the field of helping professions, there’s a constant battle and rivalry between different approaches about which one works better, has longer lasting positive changes, is associated with better outcomes. There are so many theories about how human mind works, how our brain works as well as theories about behavioural, emotional and cognitive systems, concepts, maps, etc. We’ve got millions of pages written on expertise in different diagnoses, relational problems and family patterns. I don’t mean to be rude but

this is such bullshit.

None of the approaches work. Also none of the approaches doesn’t work. In reality, it doesn’t really matter. Because the one who work here are clients. The ones who make changes are clients. The ones who assess whether something is working in their life (or not) are clients and only clients. I find it ridiculous when professions try to beat each other by proving whose theory is correct. Every theory is correct until it is proven otherwise. We might as well say that every theory has chances of being incorrect. So why all that fuss about trying to explain human behaviour and why trying to analyse the underlying causes for unwanted situations? It only makes sense if we believe in expertise. That we or somebody else knows why something happened and can suggest what we might do in order to stop that happening now and in the future. Yet probably there aren’t many people (if any) who would be able to clearly see all the existing circumstances that influence current situation as well as predict the factors that might have an impact. Let alone to explain the reasons and to offer a correct conclusion on how to improve.

Less is more. To do more with less intervention is an approach that respects and allows clients to utilise what they already have. In my opinion at least, simple approaches are better than complex ones. Simple, but not simpler than simple. Not the same as easy!

Too bad that our society is full of experts of various kind. Take a company for example. When problems arise and company ends up in crisis, we have business analysts, financial analysts, counsellors, risk assessment agencies, coaches, management advisors and many more people, who make a living based on companies trouble. It so often happens that millions are spent on expert studies that result in no change. And it is also very often that the company is blamed for no change, because it didn’t follow expert advice.

This is how people make money. This is not how useful change happens.

In therapy and coaching we have a similar phenomena. Sometimes people are kept in the process of counselling for years, sometimes deliberately, sometimes voluntary. I’m not saying that approaches used in therapy and coaching do not work. Neither am I saying that they do work. Clients work. And it is abusive, disrespectful and actually a crime to keep clients in the process longer than it is absolutely necessary. Every session should be seen as a potential last session and it should take up not even one session more than it is necessary.

So who is it to decide what is necessary? The experts? Experts on whose life?

Who is an expert of your life? Marketing agencies? Media? Social beliefs?

Should be you.

Biba

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Slide used as training material in our Coaching for Change project

There are no rules in life. There are only roles in life

Dear reader,

my hands are shaking from excitement as I’m writing this. Finished a videoconference call with a client from Germany in the morning and she pulled the trigger for this post.

She was diagnosed with pathological shyness in the past, as she was unable develop or keep normal relationships. She lived with this diagnosis her entire teenage life and is currently in the final year of her undergraduate studies. She sought my help because she asked for a coaching conversation with someone unknown, unbiased, who is keen on student population, their concerns and problems and would help her find a way forward.

As we talked, it turned out she is thinking about moving out of her country and continuing her studies on the masters level somewhere abroad. She was struggling with her indecisiveness, her fear that she would be unable to cope with unknown people and situations, as well as feeling frightened what would happen in case she doesn’t succeed.  It was pretty much a story that takes place quite often with young people at that age. Then something beautiful happened and I’m copying a section from our conversation (with her approval). Let’s call her Anna and I leave it up to you to decide whether this girl is truly pathologically shy:

Anna: … you know, it’s like first you have to go to school. Then you have to go to university. You have to perform with top scores, otherwise you won’t feel like you’re worth anything. Be the top of your class. Lend notes to your colleagues. Go to parties you don’t like. Get a boyfriend. Have sex because it’s embarrassing if you don’t at the age of 20. Then think about your masters. Get into the top schools, because this is how you’ll get an offer in a company. I’m trapped, I don’t think I can manage all that. And I can’t tell anybody, these thoughts are not good thoughts to have. It’s embarrassing.

Biba: what would the situation you could manage look like?

Anna: I couldn’t. I never could manage. You know I was diagnosed with being antisocial. I can’t cope because of that.

Biba: and if you somehow could? Suppose you could imagine a situation where you could manage, how might that look like?

Anna (long pause): I don’t know if I get your question. It’s a fact I can’t manage.

Biba: and if you could, how would you know you are managing?

Anna: this would be a totally different situation then!

Biba: like?

Anna (again long pause): first of all I wouldn’t be where I am right now. I wouldn’t be the person I am.

Biba: what might you be?

Anna: I would be simply … enough being me, being as I am. I would do what I like to do. At the moment I don’t really think there’s much I actually like to do. I’ve even forgotten what is it that I really like!

Biba: and what do you like?

Anna: I like to read. I like to cook. I hate numbers [note: she was enrolled in a course that contained a lot of numbers]. I hate staying up late, just because my roomate does. I actually don’t even want to go to masters.

Biba: so you’re very clear about what you don’t want.

Anna: it’s quite a surprise really. I think I hate my entire life! This is not me! I’m not shy, I just don’t like to talk to people! I don’t want to be a good quiet girl anymore either!

Biba: so if you could define it brand new …?

Anna: I would love to, but I can’t … [long pause] I can’t do it because the picture that I like doesn’t fit with what I’m supposed to do right now. And it’s already too late. You know, I don’t mean to hurt anybody or cause anybody problems, nor my parents, teachers, nobody. I was always told to be a good girl and so I was. Trying to please everybody. And I thought they would like me for doing so. But it seems like I can never be enough, just being me. I will never be enough. So I have to do the masters to achieve something. Then get a decent job to earn enough money to be independent. That’s what I would like.

Biba: that’s what you would like, is this how your preferred situation might look like that you could manage?

Anna: no! That’s my current reality and it’s overwhelming! It’s like I’m choking here.

Biba: okay. So if we keep it where you are now, you get the masters, get the job that pays your bills, where do you hope this would lead to?

Anna: I don’t know. I might wake up one day and say my life was … meaningless. Even though I might achieve everything that is expected from me to achieve … Why do we do that, why do I do that, is this normal?

Biba: I think we all try to more or less fit within the rules of our society. What do you think?

Anna: Not sure. It seems like everybody I know is pretty happy with that. They like where they are and where they go. And I’m torn inside.

Biba: I meet many people that are unhappy with that.

Anna: You know what? I actually think there are no rules in life. We invented them just because everybody does it. It doesn’t mean that everybody SHOULD do it.

Biba: it doesn’t, no.

Anna: but I am afraid to do anything about it. I could probably still turn it around when I was younger. You know, before I enrolled to this stupid class. It’s too late for me now, I can’t reverse it.

Biba: imagine we would have your 15 year old and your 30 year old arguing about who is more right to be too late, what sort of arguments might they both use to convince you?

Anna: they would both have pretty strong arguments!

Biba: so what might be their strongest anti-arguments to convince you that it is the perfect time to start over?

Anna: well I could as well be 60. I could just kill myself then.

Biba: you could as well be 23 [she was currently 22].

Anna: I know. I don’t want to waste another year. I want something better, this time for me. But it scares me, you know, it really scares me, because if I do it, I won’t have any support. Nobody knows me like that, nobody is interested in what do I want. Nobody will like who I really am.

Biba: good, it is supposed to be scary! It means it is worth it.

She was perfectly right. There are no rules in life. Sure, you are born, you go to school, you find a decent job when you are 25, you find a partner, have kids by 30, get a dog by 35, buy a house and a family car, go on vacation, pay for children’s schooling, go into menopause, possibly divorce, maybe get grandchildren, retire by 65 and hopefully, have someone to grow old with. Life has a certain natural cycle, we all get older and so far no one has survived yet. But the rules of when you should do what and how were invented because the majority does it that way, not because it should be done that way. You are supposed to eat breakfast. Exercise. Not take drugs. Learn how to drive. Sleep at night. Be faithful. Be on time. Make money. Consume a lot. Park on marked places. All these are the rules that were invented and some of them indeed make most of our lives easier to manage. It is easier if you sleep at night and if you try to follow the principles of a healthy diet. But you don’t HAVE TO do it, if you found something different that works for you. Especially if you found something that is more beneficial for you and others around you.

You don’t have to force yourself to wake up early in the morning if you are more of a night type. You don’t have to get married if you don’t believe in marriage. You don’t have to do the masters or go to university just because everybody does it. You don’t have to eat bananas because they are rich in potassium, if you hate it. You don’t have to run if you prefer swimming. Also don’t have to watch the news if it doesn’t interest you. You don’t have to participate in conversations that you find meaningless or boring.

There are no rules. There are only roles and even the roles change. If you are a parent, you are in a role of a caregiver. Once your children are adults, they might become caregivers and your role will change. If you are a spouse, you are in a role of giving and receiving love and affection. If you are 60, your body probably isn’t the same as it was when you were 20. That doesn’t mean it has to hurt or that you are unable to have regular walks if you like to.

Everything is fluid. Everything constantly changes. You don’t have to be obedient in life just because you were told you should be when you were little. It might help though in certain contexts, but there is no one out there, to whom you should kneel because they are superior. Nobody is better or worse than you are. Nobody is allowed to take the leading part of your life, as this is YOUR part and YOUR life, and it’s ending one minute at a time. So don’t take the part of a victim and don’t bend down. It is your responsibility to discover what you like, what fits you and find your passion to share and express yourself in this world.

Sure, not everybody will like you because of that and you might disappoint quite some number of people. But those who will like you for who you are and how you are, will support you. Someone I love deeply said once to me that he’s been stupid nearly all of his life. And he doesn’t mind being stupid with me as well. There is nearly 9 billion people on this planet. You will find people that share similar interests and who are happy to be your kind of stupid. Even if it’s just a few, these few can support you in your authentic happiness that comes from within your true self when you find your integrity to dare being you.

DARE to be who you are and who want to be! You have nothing to loose, you might only get rid of certain clutter you don’t need in life. There are no rules, only roles, and roles change. Constantly.

Biba

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I’ve chosen my kind of people – Solution Focused community. Together we create miracles.

Unleashed Potential

Dear reader,

you haven’t heard from me for quite a while. The statistics still shows you keep coming back and I’m grateful for your patience.

After a period of stress and unbalance, I’m back, brand new and shiny. I feel energized, thrilled and powerful. In May we had our last Solution Focused Professional Training and with this act, Slovenia got her first generation of future Solution Focused practitioners. I’m so proud of them and so happy not to be alone anymore but to be a foundation and meeting point for a thriving community.

I’ve been very busy as well. In May and June I’ve hosted several workshops at the Faculty of Economics for English speaking students. I’ve also done some presentations and a workshop for a conference on advanced business approaches for business analysts. And I’ve delivered a training for experienced trainers who work in the youth field. Quite a dynamo!

Not spending much time online, I’ve been thinking of you, dear reader, as well, realizing that I somehow miss you, even though I don’t know you. Both of us, we form a community by inspiring and supporting each other mutually. I’m happy to have you and as Ribalon is thriving, I realized you play an integral part in it. So thank you very much for following this blog, for your presence, your engagement.

It has happened several times that I got messages from people saying they follow my work and are really happy to see me actually do things and make a difference. They often say how wonderful it is to see someone pursuing their dreams and really enjoying what they do.

Yes, this is truly such a privilege. To be born in a continent that is somewhat safe and has rather good estate regulations and public instititutions that care about its people. You might complain they suck, but hey, try travelling round the Globe a bit and you’ll see that what we have is far from being taken for granted. Women rights for example. Clean water. Public education. Democracy. You name it.

The second privilege is to be born with capacities that allow you to evolve and develop in what you aspire to be. You know – the things you want to do and you’re good at. Not necessarily parallel. So if you are able to do what you like to do and you are good at what you do, this is a winning combinaton! Most of the people I know have jobs they go to. Very few actually belong to the profession and call it passion.

The third, and not unimportant thing, is that you are able to do what you like and love to do, you are good in doing that and it brings you enough money so that you can live from this. Ribalon is a bit less than a year and a half old. And it is self sustainable already. Not really making profits yet, but certainly capable to take baby steps forward. And I don’t know anything about marketing, business plan, strategy, sales or entrepreneurship (not even know whether the spelling is right!). I just do my thing and I do a lot of it. I engage in conversations with people and use every opportunity to let them experience useful and meaningful conversations. People love it and they keep coming back and asking for more. And I don’t use any marketing or google adwords to make that happen.

This is a jewel, a true gem. And I feel alive and thriving! And happy to share it with you – there is enough light for all of us and it only multiplies by sharing!

Biba

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Our first Slovenian Solution Focused reunion. 

New Start, New Services

Dear reader,

it is said that the darkest hour is right before the sunrise. Yesterday I told you about my “Blues” and ways forward. Today is a brand new day.

For quite some time now, I’m noticing I’ve come a long way from being a beginner in Solution Focused Approach. My supervisors also agree that I’ve reached a point where I can really pursue meaningful and useful conversations that create a context within which the clients are quickly able to find their own solutions that last.

Since I’ve grown from voluntary services and community work, it took me a long time to acknowledge I am not a volunteer anymore who helps others because she likes to do it and it’s the right thing to do. After more than 8 years of such work, my identity has changed. I’m now an established skilled professional who has made a lot of efforts to build up the knowledge, develop the right skills and enjoy the privilege to have such a strong international background. My work is not just pleasure. It brings results. Having said that, of course it makes a difference. I’m getting more and more requests to do Solution Focused work and lately, I’m also working within business settings with organizations. I’m beginning to receive more requests than I am able to process, so I had to make a choice: whether to go broad and do more quantitative work, or narrow my target group and do more qualitative work. I chose the latter.

After consultation with my UK partners, we’ve shaped a selection of new services you can enjoy and benefit from. Also our prices have gone up, because we have limited the number of clients and we believe our work has a value that is supported by evidence as well as client’s testimonials (there is a nice proverb that says if you want cheap services, hire an amateur, but eventually you will see this is really expensive). Still we have kept our research programmes, that enable those who have it difficult paying, to join as well.

So once again, I have followed my integral principle that “less is more”. Meaning I want to do good quality work, tailored to clients preferences and driven by client’s contents. Solution Focused Approach has for decades been proven to be highly effective approach in complex situations that helps individuals, teams, groups or organizations move forward. But talking about Solution Focused is very different to doing Solution Focused. Having delivered an entire Solution Focused Training, loads of work with clients and my supervisor’s opinion has recently confirmed I’m really doing pure Solution Focused work and I’m doing it well. Which means my clients experience high quality service that enables them move forward in their lives.

If you consider making desired changes, let go of bad habits, or you have found yourself (or your team) in a situation that seems to be too demanding for your current capabilities (such as implementing or designing a new strategy, facing complex changes, having performance challenges, work overload, etc.) or you simply follow this blog and would like to learn how to ask yourself the right questions, you are very welcome to benefit from sessions and save your time, energy (and money). You can find the options how to participate, collaborate and engage on the renewed page here or in Slovenian language here. Also, if you are keen to learn how to do Solution Focused work yourself and are from Slovenia, check the training programmes here.

I’m very happy to assist you with methodology that works to enable you become the best version you can possibly be and to be there while you make progress.

Biba

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Your Wish is My Command – Skype meetings available for the international clients

Dear reader,

recently, I’ve been super busy with workshops and getting the programme ready for our Slovenian SF Training. I’m getting more and more requests to organise something for people outside Slovenia as well – from other bloggers, my followers, fellow coaches, potential clients, people who appreciate future focused approaches, people who want to learn soft skills, people who hold demanding positions in big organisations, people who want to change their lives, people who want to find happiness, freedom, joy, bliss, a new job, a new partner; and also people who don’t want to be where they currently are, people who are in trouble, debt, lost, miserable, depressed, hurt, abandoned, lonely, etc.

Great news for all of you: your wish is my command, so if you ask, you shall be answered. One on one sessions are from this day officially available also for international clients through Skype. Until now there has been this option available, but not regularly and as the number of requests and testimonials grew, I now have two days a week reserved for coaching and therapy sessions for international clients. All you have to do is send me an inquiry and request to Skype at info@ribalon.org with your preferred time to start working and any questions you may have. I’ll try to answer a few in advance:

Here’s a brief description of me in five words: Integrity, minimalism, simplicity, humour and professionalism. I can adjust to your language, so we can talk in English, German and Slovenian (Croatian, Serbian). Also Spanish and French might work with a little practice. You’ll let me know when it’s best for you to talk online, regardless your time zone and I will do my best to adjust to you.

Here’s an example of what a Solution Focused session might look like. I’m well trained by World’s best trainers and teachers and have more than 10 years of experience working with people, recently also organisations, who find themselves in complex situations and want an immediate way forward. I put working from my heart, compassion and care, before my professionalism (see my signature for a story on that).

Payments are made through bank transfer or on site. Your investment in return varies according to the service you choose. If your current financial situation might limit your cooperation, come to me anyway and we’ll find a solution.

I’m very much looking forward to be working with you and to meet you. It’s amazing how distance nowadays doesn’t matter anymore and how easy it’s become to meet likeminded people. Who knows – this might be just the perfect moment for you to start something big for yourself. I’m very happy to partly go through this journey with you!

Biba

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How Solution Focused Approach Changed My Life

Dear reader,

just finished a Skype session with a rather long term client (seeing her over 2 years), who likes to check in once in a while to see whether she’s still “on track”. She is also interested to learn how to use Solution Focused Approach in her own line of work, but since she’s from another continent, she won’t be able to make it to our Slovenian Solution Focused Training. By the way – hurry, early bird registrations will close tomorrow, so make sure you’ve secured your place!

She stated that the main reason she wanted to learn SF (Solution Focused) was, because she had noticed how different my life became, since I encountered this approach. And she would like to make a similar difference in and for her life. I wouldn’t pay much attention to her words personally (of course professionally yes), if it weren’t that same morning, that a friend wrote to me on Facebook how much she appreciates my work and what an inspiration I am for others, especially younger ones, who are at the beginning of their professional career paths.

Maybe I can point out some benefits on how Solution Focused approach changed me, my life and those around me. I want nothing but the best for you, so maybe you might find this useful and can make Solution Focused approach work for you as well:

  • I’m not afraid. Action kills fear. If I’m unsure into something, I do it anyway. Before I was always scared what would happen if things go wrong. I had to make sure it was a “perfect moment”. Often that moment never came and I gave up before doing anything.
  • I travel. I’ve travelled round the Globe, but not as a tourist. I travel to learn, to explore, to expand, to increase tolerance and acceptance of diversity. See the post about a fierce journey for example.
  • I’m no longer setting goals. Goals don’t work. Instead I’m looking for signs. And since that changed, I managed to put together quite some pieces of work, like the Ribalon Institute, my first international scientific article and an EU project.
  • I’m not alone. I belong to a strong international network of professionals who help me grow. I’ve got the world’s best supervisors. Amazing partners, intervision coaches and worldwide friends. I’m not scared to ask for support. And I’m not reluctant to offer some if needed.
  • I’ve learned how to say NO. Managed to say goodbye to (fortunately very few) toxic people. I don’t tolerate disrespect and oppression. Also, I don’t tolerate gossip. Have much more important things to do.
  • I can change others. Until now, probably I’ve had like 500 workshops or trainings. Sometimes my contractors say I have to deal with a conflict/uncooperative/unmotivated group/individual. Never ever have I had a problem to inspire them.
  • My work matters. I see clients who say they’ve really messed up. I’ve worked with clients thinking about suicide, clients who were struggling with eating disorders, anxiety, depression, I’ve worked with parents who had “unbearable” teenagers. I worked with many many young people who were stuck and wanted to quit. Some might say I’m not qualified to solve their problems. They are right. I’m not quailfied – but the clients are! Also, I’m not solving their problems – they are!
  • I’m genuinely happy. It’s not a state of euphory that goes up and down. It’s a constant state of integrity, joy and passion to do what I like to do, what I’m good at and what matters to others. Plus, I am surrounded by people who take my energy and give it back.
  • I want to pay it forward. This was the main call that got us into organizing this very first SLOVEnian SF training. Because I want to offer an opportunity to others to have a possible life changing experience. Who knows – sometimes a word said at a right time, can change someone’s life forever. I hope I’m spreading good words.

Though Solution Focused approach might not be responsible or triggering all of the above, I know that if I wouldn’t come accross it, my life would be a life from someone I used to be and am not anymore. People change. Be the change you want to see, Gandhi said. Wise man.

Biba

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Your life. Your choice.

I deserve this!

Dear reader,

it was about a year ago, on an intervision meeting with a coach colleague. I was just starting to think about going independent and opening my own company. As such, I was full of doubts, second thoughts, all sorts of fears, as are probably most people who are about to leave their comfort zone.

As we talked things through, he provoked me with all sorts of (very useful) questions. From the mission, vision, long and short term goals, possible paths, etc, etc. It’s in fact been really useful and without this coaching intervision I would probably not get anywhere near as close as I did in such a timely manner.

At the end of our conversation, as we both got exhausted (in a good way), he said: “Tell me why would you do such a thing.” I answered. He went: “No. Think.” I answered again, different answer. “No. Think again. Why would you want any of this?” and it took me a long time to give another answer. His reply again was: “No. Do you know why? It’s BECAUSE YOU DESERVE THIS!“

So that gave the title for the Facebook page that followed short after.

I’m home alone today. As my schedule fills up so unpredictable and is super flexible, I get to choose how much I work, when and what. So I decided to stay at home and work on my thesis. My husband has work to do the whole day and will only come back late in the evening. As morning turned into the afternoon and it was about lunch time, I thought I’ll just grab a sandwich and continue working. But then I figured: hey, why would I cook only when there are two (or more) of us? Why not treating myself equally worth? So I cooked a lovely meal just for myself, simply because I deserve this. And it was a whole ritual (except that obviously I cooked too much, tough love, I’d say).

Now I’m getting to the point of this post. Next year, in 2016 something wonderful is going to happen in our beautiful Slovenia. For the very first time, we’ll organize a Professional Solution Focused Training for those, who would like to learn how to use and practice Solution Focused Approach in their line of work. It is intended for coaches and/or therapists, along with all others, who work with people and would like to learn a different way of solving problems and managing conflicts.

The training will offer several different stages, from the very basics, introductory level, to more advanced levels, so you could join in whenever you feel you would benefit most. It will take place approximately from February until April or May 2016, each month a couple of days. It is an exclusive opportunity, as in the end, we’ll host a guest from Europe’s largest institution who provides Solution Focused Training and Slovenia has never had such an opportunity before.

So make sure, you are up to date with upcoming news with details dates, etc. Why? Because YOU DESERVE THIS! You deserve to learn skills and techniques that will bring you and your clients closer and quicker to your desired future. Solution Focused Approach has changed my life in ways I cannot describe. Now your time has come to make a difference in your life. Because you are worth it.

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I am vulnerable

Dear reader,

Although it’s summer holidays and not much going on, I have several new clients coming in. With one we talked about our need to be recognized in this world, our need to belong somewhere and a need to matter something to someone. She wanted to express herself for who she really is, but was afraid that the environment might not like and accept that. Yet only if she would find the courage to express herself, she could truly live.

She taught me something special. She said she would like to start a blog, upload some videos, write music and scripts. Would like to be authentic, which would be the only way for her to feel alive. Then she shared an amazing thought. She said that being authentic means that you share some of your vulnerability with a wider audience, you open your heart to complete strangers and offer them opportunity to hurt you, hoping they won’t. And by sharing your stories and experience, you can help others who struggle with same issues as you are. She’s a true artist.

She made me think about my blog. Though it is not intended to be personal in the first place, it is. Though its aim is to share stories about Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, it’s my story, values, beliefs, fears, failures and wins that are behind. And as I went through my client’s words again, I figured she’s right. She already shows integrity by wanting to share herself with the world without putting a mask on and that’s actually huge.

She taught me something important and I’d like to share it with you. When you write a blog, eventually you can offer your audience one single message they can take with them, as your present posts become a past:

No matter what, change is inevitable.

You are not alone.

And IT DOES GET BETTER.

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Able to show your dirty feet?

The greatest ideas you’ll generate when you are alone

Dear reader,

today in a modern world it appears and is advisable that all the work should be teamwork, team-building, connections, networking etc. It is indeed precious to have a circle that supports you and that you support back, that you turn to when you need advice and that you invest into, so that the circle can prosper and grow.

However, teamwork might be somewhat overrated. To generate and develop the best ideas, you need time to be alone. If you dig into this a bit further, you’ll find solid evidence in the social psychology literature that says groupwork has limits in creativity and productiveness (or you can write to me and I’m happy to provide you with the research). It’s great to exchange ideas and to point to some possible overlooked directions, but each member has to work on her/his idea alone, at least  sometimes. Alone doesn’t equal lonely. But in order to truly concentrate, focus and develop something amazing, you need some time in stillness and quiet.

Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see. ~ Arthur Schopenhauer

I’m beginning to notice that I’m being most creative during my morning runs. Even though I concentrate on running, my brain looks for connections that were not there before, explores and plays with ideas that seem appealing but utopic and I find myself smiling on the inside when the run is over. It doesn’t happen every day and even if it does it needs time to evolve and that can last the whole day or two or a week, sometimes even month. It requires reading, research, consulting with others, but the final shape, the cherry on the top, happens when I’m alone and when my mind is unleashed.

I’ve seen a client from some other faculty (I’m currently working with other faculties and students) the other day. She said she’d like to be more productive, focused and not procrastinate so much. After she told me a bit about her, I made a comment at the end of the session that she might try taking the stairs home instead of the elevator (she lives in the 7th floor). I suggested she might do this once a day and notice if there is any difference. It seemed a totally unrelated comment and honestly, I don’t know where I got the idea to propose this from and it was just a side comment, not a big concluding remark.

She came back after three weeks and said that her life had changed so much, she began to find joy and was really pleased with her ability to do something good for her every day. And the fact that she was able to do this regularly, grew her confidence in the discipline she needed for her studies. If she could do the stairs, she said, she could do the studying. It was our second and last session. I’ve read somewhere on the pinterest a quote that caught my attention and I’m happy to share it with you today as it fits very well into this post. It’s about exercise being the most underutlizied antidepressant. And also a very powerful idea-generator. Certainly works for me. Perhaps it might work for some of you too.

Picture borrowed from https://www.pinterest.com/pin/365284219749623343/

You can change people: a Word about the Quiet December

Dear reader,

The end of the year is fast approaching. Don’t know whether you’re into celebrating, presents or any of that, anyhow it is a special time of the year. For me all the rush and presents excitement, the Christmas tree and lights is somehow secondary. It’s nice, but a bit too commercial for my taste. This year, we decided we’re excluding all gifts that come in material shape. We will give each other memories, so a gift should be something that a receiver will keep as a memory of a together-spent adventure (we’ll definitely save on gift paper :))

My December is usually a month of quiet, stillness, a month of reflection about the past ups and downs, lefts and rights, etc. This year has been a breaking point in my life. It has changed me and everyone around me, changed forever. The thing is, a situation, whatever it is, doesn’t simply happen to you – your reaction causes what you experience as happening. Therefore, you can change every situation, you can even change people. Your world can change instantly and you don’t have to do much to make that happen! And more good news – you alone can make it happen and have all the utilities and capabilities to do so. The very next minute you can begin to experience a brand new changed world.

Yesterday I’ve seen a new client, who is at the beginning of her independent career path. She chose to start her own firm and was a bit unsure about whether she could make it and the direction she should be headed towards. Usually, I don’t ask about the past, but here something, some strange curiosity drove me towards asking questions about her past work until the present moment. At the end of a session she said she didn’t know and hasn’t been realising she’s walked all that much already as she thought she was standing still and doing nothing. But now she actually realises how much she has accomplished already and if she’s come that far, she should be okay to proceed. And be successful in whatever path she chooses to go.

It’s almost a year since I left for my study visit to England that changed my life. This year, I’ve travelled and seen half a world literally, have learned so fast and so much about Solution Focused Brief Therapy and was able to make let’s say a 5 year path in only one with much published scientific work and contributions in international conferences. With pleasure and passion. And I wasn’t looking for opportunities, wasn’t looking for anything big. It just happened, naturally. I wasn’t waiting for my “big moment” to come, I created it by acting and reacting to what came across. And now looking back, I’m so happy I did, even though I was really scared, confused, had so many doubts and was afraid I wouldn’t make it. I’m really grateful I didn’t hide and made an excuse.

People around me changed. By noticing changes I’ve been going through, some people were curious and wanted to know more. Some were not. Some left my life, some stayed. Since working a lot and going through a process of intensive learning necessarily means sacrificing your time you used to spend on other things like having coffee, I started to pick my company really carefully. Because I value my time and I started to value my experiences too, so I don’t share it with people who don’t care about it. As a result, I managed to say goodbye to people that had negative impact on me and I’ve gained more respect from people, especially people that used to take me and my time for granted. As soon as I started to value myself more, they started to reflect that attitude back. I’m now attracting what I’m radiating. And it has always been like that, just I didn’t know and see it till now.

Don’t believe me? You can try it yourself. Such an experiment may be that you say no to someone if you don’t feel like doing something they want you to do. It’s very hard. Not to say that to them, but to say that to you. Very hard indeed. But with each attempt you’ll get better, I guarantee you that. Maybe as you see that it’s actually a relationship you have with yourself, that could make it a bit easier, because you’re probably not afraid of yourself so much as you are afraid of what the others might think of you. Well, whatever it is that they think of you, tells not so much about you, but a lot about them. That’s what I have written in the description of my Facebook profile picture and I’m sharing this one with you today. I’m giving myself to you, because I want to. Without makeup 🙂 So if you are being treated poorly, that is probably a sign of the other person’s bad attitude. Even if you please them, that attitude is not going to change. So why not doing yourself a favour by saying yes to YOU?

Wish you a lovely December. Spend it the way you like most. And thank you for being an important part of my reflection.

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Dear friend/acquaintance/visitor. You may love me, hate me or neither. Whatever it is, it says a lot more about you than it does about me. Feel welcomed.