Tag Archives: clients

The Key to My Heart

Dear reader,

no matter the weather, there will always be a place on Earth with plenty of sunshine. Or thunderstorms, depending on your preference or perspective. Whatever you think of things and events that are happening around you, you are right in version of your own truth.

Life is never easy. It is multifaceted, complex and unpredictable. Yet it doesn’t have to be unnecessarily complicated. I meet many people every day. They share their stories and wisdom. I am lucky to be blessed with a gift of being a wonderful and charismatic trainer/teacher and with the ability to make other people around me feel special. In that sense my work is a combination of what I am good at and passionate about. And sometimes I forget this and then my participants remind me of it. So today I’ll share some of their thoughts. It says a whole lot more about them than it does about me. So have a look at what kind of wonderful people I usually work with:

Biba is a very easy to follow and engage with teacher. I have learned a lot from her knowledge of the SF approach as well as her genuine passion. I think it would be useful for anyone (counsellor, parent, manager, etc.) to experience and practice at least once in their life like this. (Anna)

Working together will inspire, energise and change the way you work, live and think (Luke)

There is a lovely energy about you and an incredible inner strength. (Susana)

There is some mystery about how the process works, it seems. Perhaps that is a good thing as we humans are so hard wired to seek and enjoy mystery.  (Jane)

Thanks so much for this Biba and for the excellent sessions you ran here.  It was great to meet you and I have already tried putting some SF thinking into practice. (James)

I thoroughly enjoyed your energy! You are the real deal! (Chantal)

I like your relaxed, respectful and light-hearted way of being. Of course you will feel sometimes different, but there is always a joy around you. (Annemieke)

Those are not official testimonials, gathered for the purpose of promotion, far from it. They are little messages I got in the past three days alone. And I want to share them with you, because I want to emphasise that having a talent isn’t only a privilege. It is a responsibility and duty too – a duty to use it and give to community. Share your ideas. Share yourself. And then watch the magic happen when you get back to what you give tripled.

Yesterday my magic materialised as a very special key. I got my own pair of keys to BRIEF and I am now ready to start seeing my face to face clients (individuals or families) at BRIEF. Yesterday I saw a mother and her teenage son. So much love and care they have for each other and it was beautiful to watch it surface again. So come and join. Be a part of it. Use your talents. Welcome!

With much love and from life,

Biba

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The Keys to My Heart

We must do away with ALL the explanations

Dear reader,

for several months I wasn’t feeling too well, as you know. Now 100 people will have 100 explanations in terms of why. I’ve also been part of an intensive online programme where a bit less than 1,000 women are meeting together and learning about ancient wisdom, Chinese medicine, rituals, spirituality, manifestation, care, relationships, etc. It is a very nice community with high vibes and pleasant energy, however I’ve discovered that instead of feeling empowered, I am not benefiting personally. I have begun to neglect my own work, my own path, because I’ve spent too much time in this programme. Until I finally noticed it is probably not the best place for me to be at the moment. Shortly said, I discovered one thing: in order to get things done and move forward in your life

Do Not Educate Yourself Too Much.

I learned about myself, that I don’t want to be trapped in any kind of dogma, not even no-dogma. It just does not fit in with me. I refuse to believe that people can be classified, analysed. Or completely understood. It might be my limited capacity of comprehension and ability to conceptualise, if so, be it. I do not have to be smart. I do not have to be right. I do not have to be anything, really. So while trying to find explanations for my recent health problems, I forgot to live. And of course, not to get me wrong, I guess we, people are prone to looking for explanations, meaning, making sense, me including. But for me, I figured that I don’t have to know everything even if I could. Nor do I want to know everything. In fact, I’d rather not. I do not want to be obsessed with healthy diet, rituals, exercises, self care, knowledge about how things work, when and why. For me, the opposite position is the only way not to be wrong and get at least somewhat close to discovering what works for you. In my line of work, working with people with severe problems, difficulties, traumas or challenges (some would even call it diagnosis), my clients taught me one thing: you never know how and why something happened or what your solution will look like. Hence any attempt to explain and/or understand is an attempt leading to a dead end street. My clients have taught me that people make all sorts of meanings in so many ways, that it is simply wrong to try to make sense or generalise human collective experience.

If that in the eyes of some, makes me stupid, shortsighted, resistant, not willing to change or develop, so be it. But for me is quite on the contrary. When you do away with all the explanations, as Wittgenstein said, you are finally able to see things as they are, not things you think they are. Things for you, of course, for others they might be something completely different.

So I’ll stop educating myself and will stop following. I’ll continue living instead, like I used to – brilliantly, passionately, without the urge to understand, comprehend or explain. Creating contents some people can relate to, inspiring people in my own way, not trying to persuade anyone how they should be living their lives and being happy, if because of my influence, someone managed to find his or her way forward.

Happy Christmas and thank you Universe, for this small reminder 🙂 And thank you dear reader, for your kind presence. Wish you a miraculous holiday 🙂

Biba

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I simply like having life happen as it happens. I like being unprepared.

Only for people with low self esteem

Dear reader,

if you are one of those who consider themselves not being self confident, not having very high self esteem and who are experiencing doubts about your skills, abilities, etc., ..

.. this post is for you. If you are fully confident you are one of the best, this post is not for you, so do not keep going.

I’m seeing enormous numbers of clients since September. Men, women, various age, different ethnical groups, social class and definitely different abilities. Before starting to work as a coach and more recently, as a therapist, I worked as a head of tutors for students with disabilities. Hence I met many students. I trained several hundreds of people in numerous groups. Let me tell you a secret.

People I met who were the most capable, special, most skilled, gifted and promising were people, whose self esteem was rather low or very low. These people were full of doubts and very often pretty insecure, quiet and shy.

Their bright minds prohibited them to see their own brilliance, which was probably the reason why others could see and recognise it.

Mass media persuade us high self esteem and self confidence is the key to success. By this we are targeting the belief that we should believe we are something special and that we can do whatever we opt to, no matter what. I think high self esteem is not the key to success and growth. Here’s why.

  • If we believe we are something special and unstoppable, but without moral values concerning the wellbeing of others, we can easily become brutal, heartless and without any internal boundaries. Some of the gangster leaders, brokers, bankers, owners of multinationals are very high in self esteem. Yet only look at what they are doing to our community.
  • Thinking we are special does not necessarily make us special. If you think you can sing, doesn’t necessarily mean you really can.
  • Being content too quickly leads to sloppiness and shallowness. If you are happy with your achievements and inputs of average quality, you are not likely to be heading down the masterpiece route.
  • Yes, it is more likely you will be noticed and yes it is more likely you will have more doors open if you are high in self esteem. Yet if that’s about it for you, people will notice soon enough. And on the long run it doesn’t pay off. You need to demonstrate some real skills then. And they do not develop through nourishing your self esteem.
  • Even if you do have the skills and are truly gifted, having high self esteem can easily drag you into the zone of comfort. This is where you stop being modest and from there you won’t be able to grow any further.

Here’s on the other hand how having low self esteem works for you:

  • You are your worst enemy and no.1 critique. If you do something that you consider good, it is probably a masterpiece.
  • People like spending time in your company, because you can actually listen and are interested in what they have to say, others than talking about yourself
  • You don’t mind being and working alone, because you do not rely on others opinion.
  • When people criticise you, you take their opinion seriously. It might paralyse you for a moment or two, but once you recover, you will improve and get better.
  • The Pareto principle is not for you. Once you go into something, you strive towards perfection. Imagine what a gem you are for the team and to your boss … Imagine having someone like you as a help. Invaluable!

The bottom line: it is much easier to climb a step up and admit to yourself that you actually deserve some of the glory when you truly worked hard for it, than to step down from the pedestal of fake successes you ascribe to yourself. So I am really concerned by this mantra of being super confident, self assured, etc. It leads us to a society of narcissistic, self-reliant individuals. And yet I’m hopeful. Because I see many people. I met and am meeting many people. Many of them are not confident, some not confident at all and have very low self esteem. And this post is a tribute to them – thank you so much for letting me be with you on your remarkable journey and for teaching me this valuable lesson I’m sharing in today’s post! You are and will make this world bright again!

Biba

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London Calling! And an Open Call to experience SFBT conversations

Dear reader,

Tomorrow I’m partly moving back to London (UK) for one year. It’s actually huge news, as I’ll be attending a Diploma in Solution Focused Practice, hence becoming a Solution Focused Brief Therapist. I’m burning enthusiasm and energy! But I need your help.

You see, what practitioners say is not the same to what practitioners do. Talking about therapy or coaching is nowhere near to doing either of it. One cannot learn how to facilitate useful conversations from books alone. It takes a lot of practice.

So I’m moving to London for this particular reason. I reached a certain point in my life where I am proud of my work as a trainer and a coach and I trust my clients to have all the resorces necessary to make a change they want to see. So when the student is ready, the teacher will appear, they say. Ribalon’s second season is slowly closing, as is 2016. This year we launched the first Slovenian professional training in Solution Focused Practice and we splendidly coordinated and carried out our first European international project Coaching for Change. Both promising projects give me confidence that there’s a bright future for Ribalon and for Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) in Slovenia. Like at the very beginning, I still very much believe SFBT is radically different to any other approach to coaching and therapy. And I want people to experience it, make use of it and learn how to benefit from it. So it’s only natural to return back to practice and sharpen my skills so I carry out my mission the best I can, to do SFBT justice.

I will be surrounded by many people in London, who are eager to see me succeed, perform well and who will assist me in my professional development. Meaning, they will closely monitor my work with clients. And I cannot do any work without my clients. My clients are my best teachers and the only true stakeholders to assess whether our work has been useful. I can’t create opportunities alone. Nor can I make a positive difference to anybody, without clients.

This is a call and an invitation for you, who are following this blog and for those you know, who are looking for opportunity to make a difference in their own, or their significant others lives. I’m inviting you to join this journey as a client and to experience the magic of SFBT yourself and contribute to its spread.

Simply click on the link below (a document with more detailed information) and apply. I would be honoured, if you would forward this Call to anybody whom you wish the best and would like to see them discover or find what they are looking for.

OPEN CALL for participants to be engaged in SFBT conversations

Many thanks and – see you soon!

Biba

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It’s not a goodbye. It’s a new hello!

Every exceptional person has had at least once a painful experience …

Dear reader,

I just came back from the UK again. This time it was a journey up North, with the main aim to attend and present as a speaker at the International Conference organized by the National Association of Disability Practitioners (NADP).

My workshop session titled “Having no support system being an advantage and free education being a disadvantage? Lessons learned from a Slovenian perspective” was about how easy, cosy student life hinders development of self-advocacy skills, self-determination and self-respect. I disagree with permissive student centred approach. I believe there should be challenges in the environment and support should be support as a side activity to help you grow, not a patronized shelter.

Ever encountered a situation where you had an almost perfect life, enjoyed it, had much fun and had most of the things you wanted, but you were not really proud of yourself? Ever felt like your achievements were actually nothing special and though you would never admit it, you are in fact only an average student, employer, friend or practitioner? That is maybe because you had it too easy. You always got what you wanted. You didn’t have to try hard enough to get it. This may not be what you needed, though it was what you wanted. It’s not the same thing.

Your achievements were nothing special, because you probably didn’t have to demonstrate any extra skills, didn’t have to invest much time or you had someone else who helped and did it instead of you. For example, if you wrote a seminar paper and constantly asked for advice, is that in fact your paper you wrote? Alternatively, if you really wanted to impress – did you do it by saying what you are and what you can do or was it by doing and demonstrating it? Does your CV contain positions that you never really mastered? Or even activities that you only did several times, but then quit? These flashy headlines may well persuade someone how amazing you are. However how can you feel self-respect and worth, when you know that all this is nothing special or not entirely true?

I believe that every young person needs tough lessons in their life. Maybe even painful ones. These are not unfair, mean or deliberate actions happening to you. They are lessons. There must be a good reason for it; otherwise, they would not happen to you. Character (a person’s moral worth) is shaped through tough times, and hedonism (with boredom and constant greed for more) is nurtured through pleasant times. Thereby, if you want to make a change in your life, don’t expect it to be easy. Or pleasant. If you truly want to be or achieve something special, prepare for hard work. As P. Coelho said: “Straight roads do not make skilful drivers”.

My clients come to me with all sorts of painful past experiences like messed up families, eating disorders, substance abuse, divorce, school retention, sexual abuse, depression, etc. I believe each of them has the right resources to convert this into a valuable lesson. As we work together, the path towards progress often resembles my path, so in order to protect client’s identities I’ll share my own story:

I remember when I was young (about 15-18), I didn’t suit the role of an average teenager. I didn’t like to go out. Didn’t like parties. I didn’t date guys. I didn’t like to talk about the latest hair style or discuss fashion, nor did I wear makeup. I didn’t want to live at home. I didn’t want to receive allowance, because I didn’t want my parents to buy me. I never went on holidays, because I had to work. I had to, if I wanted to be independent and free. Freedom comes at very high costs. I didn’t go to my prom party. And at the university later, I didn’t have a chance to see the world or to go on an international exchange or to afford holidays. I was working all the time. Sometimes I even had night shifts and went straight on to classes. It looks like I’ve missed many opportunities and joys in life. In fact, it is quite the opposite, now that I look back. I may have missed many hangovers, one-nightstands and hours of meaningless conversations. I may have missed all the main tourist attractions that I would probably not even remember today. I may have missed chances of building a network of influential people that would help me become someone. I may be hurt, abandoned, and hopeless as a result.

I value this lesson so much. Because I learned that everything I am today, is a result of past sacrifices in terms of time, efforts, energy, even health perhaps. And it makes me so proud, because I know that everything I did, I did it myself. I’m proud to be able to face the barriers and overcome them. I’m proud that I invested my efforts into knowledge, training and discipline. Even though my colleagues tried to persuade me to relax a bit, come to a party and just enjoy, I didn’t do this, because this was just not me back then. Though I did feel excluded and not a good asset. As if I was born in a wrong place, to a wrong generation, basically. Does that make me a victim? For all the things I didn’t have, all the opportunities I’ve missed? Because of what my parents did to me or didn’t do?

No.

I’m a winner. And because I’ve fallen so many times and managed to get up so many times, I’m confident I can do it again. I’m so proud that I can firmly stand behind every line in my CV. I’m so proud that nobody just gave me anything for free. I couldn’t be more proud on the fact that deep inside I feel secure, accomplished and fulfilled. And that feeling didn’t come from the admiration or worship of others. I don’t need anyone to prove this to me. It came from within and the tough circumstances of the past have enabled this feeling to evolve.

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Nobody can provide you with feelings of pride. It is your job to build it.

May I Present to You …

A Certified Solution Focused Practitioner! I recently came back from England and brought an important paper in my pocket. My first part of solution focused training is behind me and I’m now officially fully qualified to pursue Solution Focused Practice.

The difference for me is rather minor, but it makes huge difference when I present my work and qualification to others. Clients usually don’t mind as well, they are more interested in the outcomes. However other practitioners of all kinds are VERY interested. And I think this is a good sign, they should be, because it does matter where you’ve been trained, by whom, how long and what the structure of your training was. You don’t want to be coached by someone who has only pursued a brief training on a weekend seminar, do you?

So for you dear fellow workers, who are in the helping professions and others who are interested, here’s what my training so far looked like:

Prior to entering the Solution Focused training, I was already engaged in working with students. Counselling and help has been offered through the university tutor system and I was the head of tutors for students with disabilities. I’ve been doing it for 8 years and have been granted two faculty awards for my work.

As I’ve told you in a past post, a miracle has happened and SF found me. My training at BRIEF (London, United Kingdom) has lasted from March 2014 until April 2015. Though I haven’t been in London the whole time, meanwhile I’ve participated in European Brief Therapy Association Conference 2014 in the Netherlands, Solution Focused Brief Therapy Association of America’s 2014 conference and additional training (not included in my primary training at BRIEF) and SOL CEE Conference 2015 in Hungary. And I was at home, working with my clients.

In total, so far I’ve experienced more than 150 hours of intensive training in Solution Focused Practice, about 30 hours of supervision and more than 120 hours with clients (only individual clients are included in the number, not the workshops). I’ve been really lucky to be trained or coached by the world’s famous Solution Focused Therapists and Coaches: Chris Iveson (my number one consultant and supervisor), Harvey Ratner, Evan George, dr. Peter De Jong, dr. Heather Fiske, dr. Harry Korman, dr. Janet Beavin Bavelas, Katalin Hankovszky Christiansen, Marco Matera, dr. Susanne Burgstaller, Hannes Couvreur and have sought consultation and guidance from dr. John Wheeler, dr. Mark Beyebach, Randa Fent, dr. Alasdair J. MacDonald, dr. Lance Taylor and Anne-Marie Wulf. I’m omitting the official titles other than PhD’s, because there are so many and I will probably make a mistake listing all of it. And because they made a difference to my life as people, not as doctors and specialists. What’s consisted a huge amount of my professional development was the EBTA, SFBTA and SOL World Community’s support. I had constant access to resources and immediate feedback from Solution Focused Practitioners whenever I needed one. My work has been recognized as meaningful, so the communities have enabled me to participate in training and conference in the US and in Hungary. I cannot find the right gratitude words to express what difference this has made to my professional standing, so I didn’t say it in words, but have showed it in action by opening the Ribalon Institute. All the above named and unnamed people have contributed to it.

What is coming next, is another year of extensive training for a Solution Focused Therapist and attendance in other Solution Focused events that currently I can’t tell how many will be. Anyhow, I believe I’ll be learning for life and in the end, my best teachers will be my clients. If things continue this way, you’ll be able to read about it as it happens.

It has been a long and arduous time and I’ve enjoyed every minute of it.

So my dear readers, proudly to present a marvellous journey that has escalated in a certificate paper. In case you’d ask.

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Good and lasting results don’t come overnight. It takes time to be able to perform and produce something meaningful. Like a good porridge for example.