I’ll never be good enough (Notes about the Simple Life Part 4)

Dear reader,

a terrible week is behind me. I was absolutely counter productive, procrastinated a whole lot, was upset with people, annoyed by company, yet I felt lonely. All of us experience “the blues” every now and then and it’s horrible.

There were times when I really missed that comforting hug from someone who would not just call when they need me and would simply say: “Hey good job, well done, you don’t have to try so hard. You are already enough.” Instead I started to notice doing myself a harmful thing: comparing to others.

It appeared others are having great times, they are successful, happy, in love, travelling, getting good deals, new opportunities … and all I did was feeling sorry and pity for me, because I wasn’t one of them, my life wasn’t as awesome as theirs.

Though I already knew everything about how useless it is comparing yourself to others, though I knew I am able to change and direct my thoughts, though I knew my achievements are above average and I could easily collect all the evidence needed to confirm this, it didn’t help. I started to question whether I would ever be good enough for me. And the answer was in favour towards no.

In Solution Focused conversations one of the postulates states that if something doesn’t work, do something different. If nothing works, do something COMPLETELY different. And since I was not able to change my state, I needed to do something completely different. Maybe I need to stop trying. Maybe I need to let go of my desire to fix things. Maybe I need to stop needing and stop wanting to want. Maybe I am asking myself a wrong question.

The question: “Will I ever be good enough?” was the wrong question.

Another trait of Solution Focused conversations is focusing on exceptions. When are the times I am not feeling this way or I’m feeling less this way? The answer for me is clear: when I’m with my clients or delivering training or a workshop. Then I’m my best version and I can do these things really well. The proof is, I am quite busy at the moment, because I have six new clients in invidual sessions. All of them are making splendid progress and are experiencing a considerable personal transformation. So to answer the question, I am feeling great when it is not about me.

I suppose when you focus too much on you, you get in trouble. The beauty of life isn’t about you or about me. If we focus too much on ourselves, we’ll either end up feeling too narcissistic and eventually build up false expectations and this will bring us further away from our true self-worth. During the reality check our whole system will collapse, because the foundations weren’t real. Or we’ll end up judging every little piece until despair and hopelessness. We’ll again build up false expectations that will disable and prevent all our future possibilities.

Remove the “I”. It will make your life much simpler. When you remove the I, you begin to notice similarities between those around you. Everybody is afraid. Everybody struggles. There is no such thing as a perfect life. We don’t have it easy. Nobody has it easy. And we are in this together.

Seeing human misery awakens compassion. Those who are desperate to show how awesome their life is, are often the most miserable. Try catching the wind or try to classify clouds according to their shape. You’ll surely fail. However you can easily learn to enjoy the ride and view. But you can’t do that if you want to be in control.

Stop trying. Let go. Stop asking the wrong questions. Or go to coaching to learn how to ask the right ones 🙂

Biba

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Original picture borrowed from Plant based on a budget.

Turquoise Blue Coast or how we are never happy with what is

Dear reader,

happy 2016! Hope you’ve celebrated it just the way you like most.

I’ve spent it in Sahara and they don’t celebrate New Year’s eve. This travelling was a gift for my husband’s anniversary as he’s always wanted to see the desert. So we saw the desert of Northern Africa. It is so amazing how different people live and what their life circumstances are. Since I’ve travelled a lot and have visited many continents, you could say I’m an experienced traveller (which is quite different to being a tourist!). Now I’m beginning to really appreciate the European continent. It just isn’t a matter of course to recycle rubbish or obey traffic lights. It is far from everyday use to have a drinking water and clean sheets. Not to mention the choice to have a variety of foods available or plenty of clothes on demand or being able to walk dressed as you like in a company you choose.

This time I really felt lucky to be born in Europe – it is for me the best continent to live with the mildest climate and the most beautiful landscape. Also, I’m beginning to appreciate our ancestor’s efforts to create social security system based on solidarity and humanistic values. It didn’t just happen – somebody had to work hard to make it happen. And during these nervous times we can loose it faster than a blink of an eye.

We’ve made new friends and all of them have expressed desire to escape and move to Europe even though they love their countries. Us that were born there, are extremely lucky. Suddenly I have no desire to travel anymore – I’m happy to realize I live in the most precious gem of this beautiful Earth.

These were the thoughts rolling through my mind as our journey was coming to the end and I was beginning to be fed up with dirty trains and cigarette rooms. Until the minute we got home. There was plenty of mail waiting for me and on January 2nd I got two terribly bad news – I owe a huge amount of money to the tax administration and my Ribalon didn’t get the funding for the 2016. What a lovely way off to a fresh start into 2016. I’ve no idea how I’m going to get out of this and once more, I’ll have to start over.

And yet, what’s interesting here, is how our aspirations and expectations change according to horizon. We are never happy and satisfied with what is, we are constantly looking for something else – for that turquoise blue coast on the other side, that looks perfect from the distance, but only as long as you are far enough so you cannot reach it. That same pattern emerges with human relationship – until we have it, it looks tempting and inviting, but as soon as we get it, it disappoints us in one way or another.

This is ego. There is some nice proverb that goes something like

Poor is not the one who doesn’t have much. Poor is the one who needs a lot.

So to start a new year, if you celebrate it or not, how about we start off right where we are with what we have? We actually have SO much and for many, this is the turquoise blue coast … or a sandy desert 🙂

Welcome to 2016. Stay connected.

Biba

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The desert. Feels like eternity.