2017: Letting Go …

Dear reader,

end of the year fast approaching. It seems I just got used to writing 2017 and only a couple of weeks and I’ll have to start all over again, learning how to write 2018.

For the first time in my life I am facing and noticing the process of impermanence. For some reason, in the past several months I have been in a position where everything seemed to be falling apart for me, especially my health. Not that I would do anything specific or disastrous, but my body has failed me totally and I haven’t reached the edge where I would see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.

My relationships are changing too. People are leaving my life, even people I wanted to stay close. I myself have dismissed quite many people, sometimes simply because I cannot manage it all, sometimes because I am too stupid to pay attention to what I say.

I am quite successful in my line of work, but even here I am noticing that I am becoming slower, am quickly tired and cannot tolerate mistakes the same way I used to only a year ago. Well, to be honest, right now I am in complete agony and boredom finishing my PhD, which is a hell of a work (am slowly beginning to understand why so few people actually have PhD’s).

The bottom line, it seems I might have every reason to feel sad, lonely and abandoned. However I am not. I learned that my body, my life, my presence, my relationships, etc. … is all very temporary. It shall all pass. One day I won’t open my eyes anymore. If I fight it or not. I am too small to influence things. But I can learn to let go.

I think life is sending me a lesson to learn how to let go.

I have realised my time here is limited. Perhaps very limited. My body will probably continue to bring me lots of pain and today I know I will never be able to wear high heels again. Or run. People in my life will continue to leave me. My mom will die (my dad is already dead). My husband might die before me. My closest person is too far away from me to share my life. When it comes to it, I guess everyone is on their own. We all have to go through this path alone. Sometimes in some nice company, but most of the time, you are likely to be alone. Which is not the same as lonely.

As I was observing those thoughts and have eventually managed to embrace it, I realised that my attention’s been focused on wrong things. I was focused on finding joy, following passion, being successful. I was seeking recognition, acknowledgement. I wanted to make a difference, perhaps a big difference that many people would benefit from. Now I am realising that the most I can do, is let go. The most I can do is try to live a life with integrity, honesty and with no expectations. Live the life as it is. If it means that in a couple of months I will not be able to walk anymore, I will have to let go of the idea to walk and accept my new reality, being grateful for the things I still can do, knowing that I might lose it as well.

Thoughts of impermanence make you think about your footprint in this world. What kind of a footprint would you like to leave once you are gone? I certainly do not want to be one of the people who help make this planet more polluted as it already is. I do not want any animal to suffer for my comfort (btw I am selling all of my Ugg boots – let me know if you want it). I do not want to be obsessed with material things. Or relationships. Right now, I am not quite sure what I do want and am at the moment in a position where I do not wish for much. But I do wish that those who will remember me once I am gone, will think of me as of a kind person. Which is currently not really my public image, I should think 🙂

So I am thankful to you, for letting me share my thoughts with you. I really appreciate all of your reads, even though I rarely hear back who you are. Thank you for being and pretty cool that our paths have crossed. It certainly isn’t a coincidence.

What do you want to be remembered for?



Where to next? I am confused.


Do not mark yourself safe

Dear reader,

the world is going crazy. We woke up to shocking news about another terrorist attack in London, six people dead and more than 40 injured. This has been the third attach in the past few months, and I was very close when the first one happened on Westminster bridge.

Such events remind us of our mortality and of our very limited time here. They also remind us that nothing should be taken for granted, be it love from your significant other, freedom or safety.

I was just opening my Facebook account today to see how many of my friends marked themselves safe. As I found out they increasingly marked themselves, I was more than happy and relieved. There were also a few messages in my inbox inquiring about my own safety, as people know I live in London quite a proportion of my time. I am on my way there right now, this very moment. And one of my relatives was sobbing on the phone, begging me not to go this time. She was petrified something would happen to me. She was afraid these attacks will come after her as well sometimes in the future.

This made me think. I am not marking myself safe today. Because guess what: there is no such thing as being safe. I could well stay at home. I could well stay in my house. Or perhaps in bed. Sleeping, not wanting to wake up. I could buy myself insurance policies. Double secure all my passwords and accounts. Write a testament. I could stop writing blogs because I might regret it sometimes in the future.

I might not eat another cake, book another holiday, walk woods in solitude, pet a wild dog or touch an unfamiliar beautiful plant. It might be poisonous. I might not go to another open air event, because people are carrying all sorts of disease and it might be contagious. I might never fall in love again, because I might be disappointed. And I might never accept a new job offer, because I might not be good at it or might not like it.

I might try to keep myself safe. Not push it. Not go places. Not expose myself to risky situations.

That way I might safely arrive to death.

None of us knows how long we are going to live or how we are going to die. And this is a huge blessing, not to know. Some of us were lucky to be born in certain parts of this world. Some of us were lucky to be born to functional families. Have good health. Talents. Opportunities. Human rights. But all of that is no more than sheer luck or coincidence. Many people on this planet do not have such luck. And if you do, you can do something for those who don’t.

So you’ve got your cards at birth. Now it’s your turn to play the game. Cards do matter of course. But what also matters, is your playing strategy. And this is in your hands alone. You can keep your cards to yourself, look after them not to get dirty, tear, disappear, etc. You can swap some with others and get something better in return. Or worse. It’s a gamble. You can also play and risk losing it all or winning. You can’t know the result in advance. You can’t control the game. But you can control your choices and moves.

I think we are taking life way too seriously. With all the respect to all the human suffering, I by no means want to hurt or diminish anyone. I would simply like to say that suffering, pain and loss are parts of life. And so are courage, will, love and solidarity. We sometimes put way too much emphasis on certain aspects of life and forget about others. And we take it way too serious.

If I am to die today, tomorrow or any time soon, be it in an accident or naturally, I only wish I would have one final thought:

That it has been a hell of a journey and I’ve had the best time while on it.

If it is my time to go, it is time to go. I have had an amazing life, I have loved a lot, felt all sorts of emotions, discovered places and explored cultures, experienced difficulties, stress, joy, bliss, anger, abandonment, hate, forgiveness, I have worked hard and played hard and most of all, I have never played it safe. That’s a life I’d like to have when looking back. If I am to share some of my stories with my grandchildren, I would be so blessed and grateful. If not, then not. I would share it with someone else – today it is with you. Hopefully meet you in the next blog post, or if not – thank you, wish you a life worth living and – may you be strong, wherever you are. Do not let fear control your choices. Unless you want to arrive to death – safely!


pic Lovedon

Some journey.

Never Stop Making Wishes …

Dear reader,

Gandhi was supposed to say something like

live as if you are to die tomorrow. Learn as if you are to live forever.

Today I’ll tell you a story about someone special, someone who I hope, I’ve inherited my brain from (and looks, hopefully?). My aunt. She’s one of the Ribalon’s main supporters and she has been in my life since I remember. Always encouraging me to reach one more star, take one step further and follow my dreams, no matter what others said.

She was totally eligible to say and do so. Here’s why.

She’s retired now and used to be a medical doctor of stomatology. She finished faculty od stomatology in Slovenia, then moved to a foreign country (Italy) and had to start over, as back then, her Slovenian degree didn’t count, even though she had all the knowledge she needed (today thanks to the Bologna system, this is no longer an issue, at least some Bologna benefits!).

So she started over. Entered a medical faculty in Italy (general medicine). Got divorced and re-married again to someone who valued her more. While still studying, she got pregnant and had my cousin. Taking care of a baby, learning foreign language, trying to make a living and adjusting to the new environment, forced her to dedicate the nights to her studies. Long nights with loads of coffee and cigarettes, she says.

After graduating, she tried to learn as much as she could in as many best places she could find. Eventually, this got her to open her own practice. That was only the beginning. She collected all her strengths as well as resources and arranged an internship with one of the best doctors in the United States. There she’s learned a new technique and was among the first, who introduced the dental implants to Italy. Apart from that, she regularly visited various conferences and trainings. I remember as I was 11 and we were skiing together, she would teach me how to ski (I was a hopeless pupil), then as we came home she cooked dinner for all of us (there were at least 5 hungry people) and as we were chatting or went to bed, she returned to her books. I still hold a picture of her holding a marker pen and working late into the night.

When I left the National theater, because I was sick, she picked me up by encouraging me to go to the university even though my first attempt was not successful. She called me as I won my Prešeren’s prize for my final thesis and congratulated the first. She was on skype as I was abroad.

Back to her. Imagine, you’ve spent so many years studying and after finishing one very difficult faculty, you find the motivation to start all over? Imagine you’ve managed to be the top of the best doctors in one of the biggest cities of Italy and yet still you never rest on your past successes? Imagine you live your life in continuous growth and improvement and somehow you never lose track even though you are all alone and everybody depends on you? That was her. She was the big leader, the strongest, the smartest and most persistent. With the downside that she was not allowed to fail, to feel down or to be fragile. We were. She was not, because if we would lose her, we would have no one to turn to. So she had to stand tall.

Now the best part. When she was 17, she had to leave the love of her life. Then life happened. After 40 years they accidentally found each other again. Today they are a very happy loving couple, full of life and joy. Up until today she had faith. Faith into knowledge. Faith into love. She is a lifelong seeker. A lifelong warrior. A lifelong believer that she can do better. And she always did the best. The second great person that I proudly call my relative. And selfishly I imagine that I might be somewhat, at least tiny bit lucky to share some of her passion to learn. And to never stop making wishes.