Tag Archives: friendship

Maybe I don’t believe in happiness …

Dear reader,

my July has been the busiest month since Ribalon started. I have delivered or organised three major events in only one month: EBTA Summer Camp 2017, On Arrival EVS training and International Training No Panic. I thought I’d be exhausted by the end of the month, but surprisingly, I am bursting with energy. I’ll be returning back to the UK tomorrow and life will settle down only for a couple of days until full speed again.

So I am blooming professionally and could hardly imagine a more successful and fruitful summer.

But another part of me is dying. I am losing one of the most important people in my life. Ever since we first met, we both sensed this will lead to an exciting, loving, friendly, caring relationship. And yet we both knew our relationship was temporary, limited in time and space. What we did not know was that we’ll become so very close and such a perfect match, that we’d forgotten our relationship had serious limitations.

Now looks like, the time has come for us to part, because our lives are moving in different directions. We are not speaking the same language and do not live in the same country. We do not have many things in common and our social circles do not have overlapping members. We talked about this and it broke my heart when I first started to realise our tomorrow won’t be. But regardless of that, I tried to find a way forward, create some possibilities for us to stay together. And sometimes we are not almighty. Sometimes we cannot move mountains or create miracles, no matter how much we want to believe we could.

Right now I feel as if someone let the air out of my body. I’m feeling empty, crushed, hopeless. I want to be angry, but don’t know with whom. I want to scream like a spoiled child, but my resentment has no solid ground, since I knew from the beginning that I will lose this person. I guess I was hoping this moment would come later. Or perhaps never. I was convinced that I have the power and means to create opportunities and find solutions for us to be. And it worked. For a while. But now as I am receiving messages from this person, the bitter truth has showed its teeth and faced me with the fact that we hit the edge of our relationship. And that there are paths for us to move on. But not together.

I have let this person become such a big part of my life that I simply can’t see beyond this loss. And rationally I know, time will heal things. I know that a day will come when I’ll pick myself up again and will retain this relationship as something precious by keeping the memory of the good times we had together. But today I am heartbroken.

And this is where my clients come on stage again. I can’t thank them enough for their wisdom they shared with me. One such conversation I had while delivering a training in Poland in the end of July. One of the participants, a gentle, caring, amazingly brave and creative young man said something, while we were having a conversation, which made me think.

Perhaps my purpose on this planet is not to be happy. Perhaps my purpose on this planet is to make others happy, but my own happiness is beyond my reach. I have always thought happiness is somewhat overrated and following what Hemingway was supposed to say, that “happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.” I somewhat agreed. Until this person came along. Together with this person I have experienced moments of biggest joy, excitement, passion, love, gratitude and, yes, genuine happiness. And I want more of this of course. But no matter how much I want it, our tomorrow won’t be.

So today I am realising once and for all, that I am losing this person and as much as I have tried everything, things won’t work out for us. I am coming back to be the old me, the one who does not believe in happiness.

And here comes a beautiful quote from my participant. He said it out loud, during our conversation. Later on, by the end of the training, he brought me a present. I am attaching the present in the photo below. The quote on the back of the Miro-like picture said:

“Maybe I don’t believe in happiness, but that doesn’t mean I believe in sadness.”  (Lucio, copyright allowed to Biba)

Thank you so much Lucio. So maybe I don’t believe in happiness anymore. And maybe I won’t manage to move on from this loss. Perhaps I will become an old, bitter person, closed up to the world. Or maybe not. But I don’t believe in sadness either. Whatever will be, I will never forget the moments when random people connect in their humanity and share some of their vulnerability and sadness. It is one of the best assets we possess as living creatures when things hurt.

Biba

Use What You Have

Dear reader,

our EU project has been successfully submitted. We managed with elegance, joy and lots of Skype issues. Luckily I have quite some number of Estonian friends, so there’s hope this too will improve sometimes soon.

It was a very hard task though, especially for someone who’s never done it and is not used to “the language”, “the style”, everything in between and has no clue about “how things are (or get) done”. Hardly a day passed where I managed to do anything else but sit in front of my two laptops and iPad or sleep or cook. Besides working on this project, I had to deliver a 2-day training (with lots of pleasure of course, and yet it had to be designed brand new, which also takes time and intellectual input) and we’ve launched the registration for Slovenian first Professional Solution Focused Training for those who would like to learn the skills and enhance their practice (Slovenians do check the link, it’s well worthwhile and it is published on a brand new Slovenian website. Oh right –  managed to do that as well somehow). No wonder I even abandoned my piano.

Over the last Skype, last Friday as we (our partnership) submitted the proposal, we discussed about our future tasks and ways of moving forward. One of the partners noted, she was really pleased with our strategy, ways of how we communicated, the atmosphere and energy. That is was so straightforward what had to be done, when and how.

There was a moment of my confession: had to admit there was no strategy. I as the coordinator, had absolutely no idea how we’ll make things happen and how we’re going to put a one-year long project together in due time. Honestly, all I knew was the next step. And that somehow got us to submit the project five days before the deadline.

How could that be? Very simple: use what you have. Don’t mourn about what you don’t have (yet or still) and instead utilize what you have at your disposal. It’s much more than what it first appears. And it’s enough to get you to where you need to be – to the next step. And then to the next one. And the next one. And so on. What worked for us and what we can learn from this:

  • We are a huge partnership. This makes it very hard to coordinate, true. And also, that means endless resoruces. If you work alone, you might get there fast. But if you work together, you might get far. Utilize partner’s resources.
  • When things go wrong, it’s probably not the end yet. Things will turn out fine. Trust the process.
  • Ask for help. If somebody offers their help and you need it, go for it. If they wouldn’t want to help, they wouldn’t offer it.
  • Be a voice, not an echo. If you want good results, you have to work harder than anyone else. Your passion will be a great example for others to follow and duplicate it. But if you expect others will do their job instead of you, you won’t get excellent results. And others will notice. Yes, they will.
  • Celebrate success. No matter how small. Celebrate it together with those who contributed to it. No matter the size of their contribution.
  • When somebody doesn’t do their job, trust them they have a good reason to delay or not do it. Don’t assume anything. They probably have a good reason and they will do their job as soon as they can.
  • Go wild! Dream about your project, dare to exaggerate. Be innovative and don’t follow the mainstream. We already have enough followers. We need breakthroughs. And they don’t come packed with instruction.

This is our lesson. It’s not a recipe. You’ll find your own lesson. However you might get inspired by ours. Good luck with your projects, whatever they are!

Biba

submitted application

Submitted! Well done team!!!

You were born to count the stars PART 2

Have you ever received a genuine compliment? I’m sure you have. And have you ever had an opportunity to give a compliment that came from your heart? Probably also.

But we do it way too rarely. And this is a huge pity.

I believe that compliments are the best feedback you can give to someone. BUT (!): Compliments have to be real, genuine and based on facts. Otherwise it’s just plain small talk that in best case keeps the other person amused and in the worst case she/he might feel offended that you make fun of them. In order to be able to think of an appropriate compliment, you have to learn to listen to certain skills and values within the person you are about to compliment. And to do this, you can not listen to their problems, nor can you take a judgemental position.

I regularly run exercises on compliments when I work with groups. And I use it all the time with my clients. Why? Because I want to make them feel better? No. I use this as a feedback to show them their own resources. And it works.

Such an activity I prepared for my youth exchange group I told you about in Part 1 of this blog post. The activity was to write on our backs some things we appreciate about the other person. The key was that we were not allowed to see what’s on our backs, nor who is writing. In the second part we wrote our own qualities that we believe we possess ourselves, on a special piece of paper and later on combined it with what was written on our backs. It is much fun to observe people’s reactions as they read messages from random people. Often it happens that the messages are accurate and even much more appreciative than what you dare to say or think about yourself. To sum up the exercise, we read aloud three things about ourselves that touched us the most. It was a very special moment and some people reported that it was hard for them to read aloud positive things about them, but because we created a very safe and intimate atmosphere, they took a chance and were not disappointed afterwards.

Just for fun, try to use a compliment as a feedback when somebody asks you a question or expects you to comment on a current debate issue. You might be very surprised what you’ll get in return. I do it all the time and sometimes the boomerang hits me back with unexpected surprises.

Take this for example: while I was in the UK, I got pretty attached to a certain cup/coffee mug. It was a very funny cup with cute small sausage dogs drawings. I always had my tea or hot water (a strange habit, I’ll tell you more about it on some other occassion) in that mug. Always. Then as the family noticed how much I like that mug, they took me to the store where they bought it. But unfortunately it was last season’s model and they ran out of it. I was quite disappointed, but hey, it was not meant to be. I took a picture of it and promised myself that I’ll make my own one day.

Then, a couple of days ago, I got a package. Didn’t look carefully where it came from, because I was expecting something and thought that was it. But inside there was something wraped and a message enclosed. It was the sausage dog mug! I couldn’t believe my eyes. R. made special efforts to look that mug up and she said it was the last one. And I knew she liked this mug as much as I did, but she bought this one and sent it to me from England. I was really really touched and grateful. To have friends like that who remember you and make something so nice, is a true gem.  A gem to value and nourish.

Try. Compliments work. If you don’t know how, come to some of my workshops and I’ll show you ;). You’ll learn it quickly.

back feedback

My back feedback. I was deeply touched.

sausage dog

THE sausage dog mug

People Pleaser

Dear reader,

This post is dedicated to one particular person that has indirectly asked me to say something on this topic. She’s one of the sweetest people with pure heart and intentions. She called me the other day, crying on the phone, saying she’s had enough. That she can’t take it anymore. That it is too much and she wants to quit, run away, and hide.

For a second or two I was torn between the role of a therapist and a role of a friend, but the picture soon became clear, telling me I should act according to my heart, not my head (my most representing personal quote when introducing myself to someone through CV or other written form is When dealing with your own issues, use your head. When dealing with other people’s issues, use your heart – you may borrow and use it, however would appreciate to acknowledge the source :)).

I asked what was wrong. She couldn’t specify, then after a while she told me what’s happened (will not go into the details here due to disclosure, but it was something she was afraid would happen and she felt abandoned as well as incredibly sad and disappointed). She said that all she wanted was to understand everybody. That she wanted to please everybody, even though some people might have the opposite views, she wanted to agree with both sides.

Being a friend I replied that this is THE one thing that is IMPOSSIBLE. End of story. Very few things are impossible and this is one of them.

Take my case for example. You read and follow this blog because you like something in it. Some other fellows might find it ridiculous, boring, funny, whatever. Name 100 people and you’ll get 100 viewpoints and opinions. All legit and right from their point of view (remember the post about objectivity? Well that’s it). If I get a feedback that what I do is nonsense, would that stop me? Would that make me change something so that it will make it more likeable to this person? Well, depends of course who this person is and what the critique was about. If it was meant in a constructive way to improve my performance, then I would think about it and if it was said with respect. If not, well there’s plenty other people who might please you better and I’m sorry for not fitting your frames. But that doesn’t make my picture any smaller or bad. I’d never apologize for what I do or how I feel. It’s like saying sorry for being real. So if you don’t like what you see, do us both a favour and don’t stick around.

If I would change because I’m not pleasing everybody, then this would predict 100% guarantee failure for everybody. Not just the one I disappoint, but the rest who are satisfied with me. But if I stick with what I believe in and with what excites me that would enable me to be excellent for some. And that’s good enough.

It's not rocked science really, maybe that's why it is so hard as it happens to you? (Picture borrowed from http://www.brightstar.co.nz/blog/2012/06/confessions-of-a-serial-people-pleaser/)

It’s not rocked science really, maybe that’s why it is so hard as it happens to you? (Picture borrowed from http://www.brightstar.co.nz/blog/2012/06/confessions-of-a-serial-people-pleaser/)