Tag Archives: happiness

Female vs. male energy: a battle or harmony?

Dear reader,

I’m good. Hope you are too. Had an interesting day with one realisation I want to share with you, especially with all the ladies out there.

I was reading some posts on one of the online platforms where therapists exchange knowledge, experience, suggestions and engage in all sorts of professional discussions. The longer I was reading it, the more confused I got. People there seemed so smart, articulated, full of knowledge and citation and I was beginning to feel … well, stupid.

At some point I couldn’t follow the discussion any longer, because it was simply too complex, argumentative and rational. I gave up.

But something about it was intriguing. I couldn’t quite elaborate what. And then, out of the blue I discovered:

There were mostly men participating in the discussion. Hardly any female voice.

That doesn’t mean there were no bright, experienced women out there. Far from it. But the discussion was very “male”. It made me think and here are the results of my thinking, that might be helpful to any woman (and men consequently) in finding harmony between female and male energy. Below I shall refer to “women” and “men”, but by that I mean female and male energy, regardless of the body/gender.

  1. Women will never be equal to men. And we should both be proud of it. Diversity is to be celebrated, not assimilated.
  2. Women are accelerators. Men are providers. Whatever a man will create, a woman can help make it so much better. If a man buys her a house, she will make it a home. If he buys groceries, she will cook delicious meals. If he gives her sperm, she will make a baby. If he provides a strategy, she will make it come true.
  3. The above works in both, positive and negative ways. If men give women a bucket of shit, she’ll make a pool of it. If they give one rough word, they’ll get a hurricane. You know how this works, so no need for me to go on.
  4. Women are circular. We move in circles, can do more things at the same time, manage to enchant an entire crowd with as little as one single look. Our bodies change with our cycles. So there are several women living inside one, all of them have their own secret powers.
  5. Intuition. We were born with it. But somehow we have forgotten to train it.
  6. We might look fragile, but in many ways, we are much more stable and stronger than men. We are natural hosts, can endure more pain, can survive extreme setbacks and still look pretty as if we just had our beauty nap.
  7. We are masters of relationships and words. Engaging in a conversation is the easiest thing for us. As well as seeing the whole picture of what is going on. A woman will know exactly what to do when her care and love is needed. But she needs to feel loved and cared for before she could do that. She will also be the first to discover when someone is lying. Beware.
  8. Our spiritual potential is enormous. There is a whole universe inside our uterus. A woman who’s got her potential unleashed and is aware of her femininity, can drive any man crazy – the history is full of such evidence. Our power is tremendous. And the only one who can stop this potential blossoming is ourselves and what we do to each other.

Which leads me to some of the negative aspects of our femininity that we are perhaps scared to stand up for:

  1. Oppression. When the male energy prevails, we might feel stupid, as if we can’t contribute, even silly. The domestic sphere is seen as female, fair enough or not. But the public spheres such as politics, science, labour market, business, is still very much dominated by men. Women are catching up, but some are doing it in a way, that they are trying to compete to men and look/do the same. That I think is a big mistake. Women have their own unique ways of how to run a business, a meeting or a group. Why would we try to copy men, when we have so much to offer on our own?
  2. Trying to fit within the male world. Looking tough. Determined. Cold. Dominant. This is against our female nature. We don’t do it that way, it is not our spontaneous being. Why would buying a phone because it’s pretty be worse or seen silly than buying a phone because it has a 2938623 processor? It’s actually the same rationale behind it, so why would our reasons be less valid or important?
  3. Our hormone system and mood changes. I am not sure whether men encounter the same mood changes like we do, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong if I simply take the day off, because I need time and space to withdraw and take care of myself. I see no reason why I should be taking pain killers in order to prevent menstrual pain so that I could work harder. Why can’t I simply have my period and sorry guys, but f*** you, I’m off to have it.
  4. Abusing our bodies through porn and sex industry. I get very sad when I see teenage pop idols on stage showing their breasts and vaginas. Both are to be celebrated and respected, not treated like meat on a market. That does not mean that I am against being relaxed when it comes to nudity. But there is an important difference which is called respect.

Again, this is not a testament to speak in favour of female energy. We need both and when we recognise the differences and benefits, we can see how complementary we actually are. I recently made quite some changes at home and in some ways I’m being quite rough with my husband, but guess what: he adores me more than ever. I am respecting his male energy and he’s beginning to get to know my femininity. So of course, I am the queen of the house and he knows well that if I am balanced, feeling loved and safe, he can surf on my energy and benefit from it immensely. But if he gives me a bucket of shit or tries to cut my wings … well too bad, I’ll just continue to fly – on a broom!

Biba

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Yes, this is what my working desk looks like. And I am super productive at it!

 

Maybe I don’t believe in happiness …

Dear reader,

my July has been the busiest month since Ribalon started. I have delivered or organised three major events in only one month: EBTA Summer Camp 2017, On Arrival EVS training and International Training No Panic. I thought I’d be exhausted by the end of the month, but surprisingly, I am bursting with energy. I’ll be returning back to the UK tomorrow and life will settle down only for a couple of days until full speed again.

So I am blooming professionally and could hardly imagine a more successful and fruitful summer.

But another part of me is dying. I am losing one of the most important people in my life. Ever since we first met, we both sensed this will lead to an exciting, loving, friendly, caring relationship. And yet we both knew our relationship was temporary, limited in time and space. What we did not know was that we’ll become so very close and such a perfect match, that we’d forgotten our relationship had serious limitations.

Now looks like, the time has come for us to part, because our lives are moving in different directions. We are not speaking the same language and do not live in the same country. We do not have many things in common and our social circles do not have overlapping members. We talked about this and it broke my heart when I first started to realise our tomorrow won’t be. But regardless of that, I tried to find a way forward, create some possibilities for us to stay together. And sometimes we are not almighty. Sometimes we cannot move mountains or create miracles, no matter how much we want to believe we could.

Right now I feel as if someone let the air out of my body. I’m feeling empty, crushed, hopeless. I want to be angry, but don’t know with whom. I want to scream like a spoiled child, but my resentment has no solid ground, since I knew from the beginning that I will lose this person. I guess I was hoping this moment would come later. Or perhaps never. I was convinced that I have the power and means to create opportunities and find solutions for us to be. And it worked. For a while. But now as I am receiving messages from this person, the bitter truth has showed its teeth and faced me with the fact that we hit the edge of our relationship. And that there are paths for us to move on. But not together.

I have let this person become such a big part of my life that I simply can’t see beyond this loss. And rationally I know, time will heal things. I know that a day will come when I’ll pick myself up again and will retain this relationship as something precious by keeping the memory of the good times we had together. But today I am heartbroken.

And this is where my clients come on stage again. I can’t thank them enough for their wisdom they shared with me. One such conversation I had while delivering a training in Poland in the end of July. One of the participants, a gentle, caring, amazingly brave and creative young man said something, while we were having a conversation, which made me think.

Perhaps my purpose on this planet is not to be happy. Perhaps my purpose on this planet is to make others happy, but my own happiness is beyond my reach. I have always thought happiness is somewhat overrated and following what Hemingway was supposed to say, that “happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.” I somewhat agreed. Until this person came along. Together with this person I have experienced moments of biggest joy, excitement, passion, love, gratitude and, yes, genuine happiness. And I want more of this of course. But no matter how much I want it, our tomorrow won’t be.

So today I am realising once and for all, that I am losing this person and as much as I have tried everything, things won’t work out for us. I am coming back to be the old me, the one who does not believe in happiness.

And here comes a beautiful quote from my participant. He said it out loud, during our conversation. Later on, by the end of the training, he brought me a present. I am attaching the present in the photo below. The quote on the back of the Miro-like picture said:

“Maybe I don’t believe in happiness, but that doesn’t mean I believe in sadness.”  (Lucio, copyright allowed to Biba)

Thank you so much Lucio. So maybe I don’t believe in happiness anymore. And maybe I won’t manage to move on from this loss. Perhaps I will become an old, bitter person, closed up to the world. Or maybe not. But I don’t believe in sadness either. Whatever will be, I will never forget the moments when random people connect in their humanity and share some of their vulnerability and sadness. It is one of the best assets we possess as living creatures when things hurt.

Biba

Slow Down

Dear reader,

we live in a culture who tells us that we are only all right when and if we are constantly developing, changing, adapting, moving and growing.

I think this makes us miserable.

Several reasons to underpin this thesis. First is quite obvious: the world keeps telling us that no matter how well we perform today, we will have to do more the next year or month. Be more productive, innovative, creative, responsive, agile, be it whatever adjective you choose. We will always have to do something else, something additional. This way we are never good enough and in case we fail, guess who is to blame. Nobody else but ourselves. Because we live in a world where we can become whoever we want to be, we can reach to the highest mountain of dreams, only if we choose to do so.

Second, based on the first, we are not allowed to stop and put down our roots. We are not allowed to take a breath, admit that we have had enough and that we want to live a stable and secure life.

Strivings towards excessive self growth is nothing but a capitalistic discourse undercover. Self help and self development industry is not there to help you live a fulfilled life worth living. It is trying to turn you into a consumer, be it by telling you that you have to invest in yourself by either being enrolled in dozens of courses and fitnesses, buying goji berries and maca shakes or strive towards constant progress and growth.

How about we look out for an alternative for a change. Sometimes good enough is good enough. Sometimes you are already giving your maximum, so perhaps it is time that you tap yourself on your shoulder and say to yourself that you have done a good job. And you do not have to do more. Instead it might be perfectly all right to spend an evening out with your dog or friends, or watch telly or have that fattening meal out.

We are not machines. We are human beings. And as such far far from being perfect. And we will all die. One day all of our aspirations and hard work will be forgotten. Once you are in your fast lane before dying, it won’t matter how much you have accomplished. It won’t matter that you know everything about yourself (or others). It won’t matter that you were always rushing, always trying to exceed yourself. Because you will die anyway, same as everyone else will.

I don’t know what a definition of a good life is. But I am sure that self help and self development movement does not aim at that. It only wants you to become what you already are – an obeying consumer.

Your life. Your choice. Sometimes good enough is good enough.

Biba

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From our Coaching for Change training course in 2016. We couldn’t care less about progress 🙂 

Coaching for Change finished: a difference that made a difference

Dear reader,

yesterday we submitted the final report for our international project Coaching for Change.

Sometimes people say “Yeah these international projects are fun and cool, but they do not really make any difference, nor do they have any lasting effects”. I suppose people having these thoughts speak from experience and I would not dare to argue with them. And I want to share with you that our project does not fit that basket.

It has been nearly 9 months since our Training Course in Frankolovo, Slovenia, where 28 people lived and worked closely together and by the end of the course, practiced Solution Focused Coaching conversations smoothly and independently. In these 9 months many things happened: people change locations, change jobs, change professions … move on with their lives. And for some reason, we stayed in touch with each and every one of our participants. I think the reason behind this has to do with us writing the project together.

As I was putting the contents together for our report for the National Agency and European Commission and as I was editing the videos we made during our sessions, I felt such gratitude. What we have done was much more than just another training course. What we started then, was a milestone: we started a new movement. Being a part of this makes me humble and emotional, as it is such a gem when one has a possibility to not only participate, but initiate something as big.

So I would like to share some of the feedback our participants shared. Let their voice speak on our behalf.

Many changes and news in my life. First of all after hard and stressful months I’ve tried the test for a very particular course at the university of Milan and I’m in. I still couldn’t believe it, only 80 seats it’s an economics course with service profile in collaboration with the tourism and social Chamber of Milan. I think in it I could express my passion for practice mathematics and at the same time my love to help the other… and after let’s see what the life is going to offer me. In those months I’ve used a lot what I learnt at the course especially for myself… I realised that so often my way of thinking and see the situation is completely changed with SF. I haven’t used it in professional field, I would not be able but with the kids I look after at the centre, or also in conversation with friends It’s helped me a lot. And I would like to go deeper with coaching because it’s something that I really feel in myself.

I’m writing a field diary with conclusions and reflections for my jobs and I’m having sparkling moments! Now I’m more aware of what we learnt thanks a lot for all., I’m more focused on adults and I do approach them with SF questions. SF training was really interesting and useful for me to improve as a professional and share the informations whit my job partners – those with whom I work more directly. I would really like to participate in an advanced training because it is useful for me as a career counsellor. and to share the knowledge with my team.

I have used the skills in situations, but i did not have intensive changing sessions, it was more used in taking steps to achieve some result. I would love to join an advanced course! I switched workplaces though. Im now working for an organisation supporting youth houses! I am using SF questions, but not in the way we learned it.. i recognise the fact that i implement the theory of solutions focused, but more in groups and not so much for changing behaviour, but changing views.

I am in my last year of my Master’s study, meaning I have been fully occupied writing the thesis. I noticed that during writing and talking to my other colleagues I used some of the SF questions we learned and I tried to break the complaining culture. My colleagues have noticed this and when I was not doing it they asked me to “ask some of your questions, because they are really useful!”. So I have in a way coached our entire class!

The project had a great impact on me and I believe also on what I do and on the people around me. Since the moment I came back I tend to focus on the positive things that happens to me and basically I feel like I am living a more fulfilling life. I truly believe that it s the point of view I had on the things and not the things themselves to make me sad sometimes. This thoughts I have are supported by some moments I lived during the course. When I think to them again I feel empowered and sometimes I find new elements of reflection. One of them is when we had to work in groups and write on a big piece of paper what was solution focused for us? When our group came up with that drawing with many lines with different colors… I don’t know if you remember, but it was extremely powerful for me. I used some of the questions with people around me and I had surprised reactions, like I was asking an unexpected question, but always interesting answers. I truly believe I helped some people tho see other sides of the same reality, myself first.

I tend not to give advice and to accept that the solution with which some people come up with can be a good one for them even if it doesn’t make any sense for me. Maybe there is no order in what I wrote, it was out of enthusiasm . By the way, when I come back I decided to change university and degree. Instead of going on with philosophy, after I graduated I took up a master degree in development and management of human resources and I find it great. I really hope you keep on doing what you are doing because that project was great for me. I will be organising a brainstorming afternoon for a group of 20 people and I would really like to have a process with them, before the brainstorming, to create an atmosphere of positivity/solution focus/no criticism and I want to teach them the SF mindset.

I am more self confident about myself. Training course was a moment to stop, reflect and make an inner turn. I would say I got more independent and self trusting myself in personal and professional life. It gave self confidence to develop constellation as an approach in my profession. The most useful moment was when we shared our future plans and our team members gave the feedback . Now when I look back almost one year ago, I have reached exactly what I wrote and the comments responds to way it happened. So it was a good bread for the road. As well it was my first meeting with Slovenia. A beautiful meeting to fall in love with this country.

I’m using the knowledge I gained thanks to you, almost every day. In my personal life I started to look for my resources in a more conscious way and focus on what I’m grateful for. In my work I started to give much more positive feedback and I use the SF questions in a lot of situation. For example when I start it finish a training or during debriefing an activity. It works really well. Thank you all!

No more words are needed, right?

So if you would like an insight into some of our sessions, have a peek into my YouTube channel and witness the brilliance of our participants.

Coaching for Change videos

Let us continue what we started. If you would like to join, let us know 🙂

Your trainer’s team

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Your trainer’s team

It took me 33 years to figure out what I already knew when I was 5 …

Dear reader,

a happy day – my bday today. And I just came back from New Zealand. I went there for the purpose of introducing our Coaching for Change initiative, thinking I might have something to offer and might inspire some people in NZ to dare try out new things and follow new paths.

I couldn’t have travelled any further, New Zealand is literally on the opposite site of Earth compared to where I live. It took me about 19,000 km one way to remember what I already know. And to meet someone I have long forgotten. At the moment, I am back in London and though I love this city and its people, something has changed. It took me so long (distance and time wise) to realise

I don’t belong here. I am unable and unwilling to follow this world’s rules.

So I have a successful and promising international career. A fabulous life, partner, friends, job, lifestyle. I consider myself a happy person generally. I like what I do, like the relationships I have, the habits we all follow more or less and rituals which make us a Western society.

And yet, it is a fake life. At least some of the time.

In New Zealand, somewhere down the South island, as we were hiking one national park, I met two lama-like animals behind a fence. Being an animal lover, I couldn’t resist not to talk to them and wanting to pet at least one. They seemed amused and interested, though a bit shy. And eventually, one of them decided to come closer. What happened next, turned my world upside down.

I stepped back.

I’ve done so because I remembered these animals are very likely to spit in your face, which can be painful, not to mention the disgust and embarrassment. So I removed myself to a distance where the lovely thing could not reach me. So this animal just stood there and observed me, a bit sad that I wouldn’t come closer and changed my mind.

As I turned my back and moved on, my soul was crying: “What has happened to me that made me such a careful, risk-free and distant person? When did I lose my passion and courage to do what I felt like doing, regardless of a possible risk? How did I become someone who “plays it safe”? Is this the new, adult me?” And most of all: “Does it feel right and do I like the person I’ve become?”

I had some serious thinking to do. As we were driving, I kept quiet for hours, trying to figure out what just happened and what to do with it. And all I saw, was a little girl standing next to this animal, petting it, smiling and having a good time. She then turned around and towards me. Her smile disappeared and she looked down, disappointed, guilty and sad.

It was a young, earlier version of myself. And she was disappointed with my current, adult version.

This is not who I want to be. I met someone I long knew and she was still there. Hidden, forgotten, but definitely still there. So I am back to London now. And this time I find it boring. Watching people carrying a Starbucks coffee in one hand, a shopping bag in another, looking at their phones and wearing headphones, being constantly in touch with everyone, updating them about what they are doing and what a fantastic life they are having, not noticing or daring to smile to a stranger passing by. I watched women window shopping, craving for items they cannot afford. Reading magazines to learn to fit in and be attractive, interesting, energised, funny, smart, effective, seductive, etc. I saw women buying the latest Gucci bag in an excellent outfit, with spotless makeup, thin figure, high heels and luxury car, who were nothing but bored, so they kept themselves busy buying another bag or pair of shoes, this time from another luxury designer. I observed men in smart casual shirts, secretly smoking behind a corner, working for a top employer in consultancy industry, making their customers “happy” by selling them things or services they do not believe in. And I heard a conversation on the phone about how much someone is craving for the upcoming holidays, where they would travel far away and go nuts, enjoying cocktails on the beach, getting high at music festivals and basically do everything to escape their everyday. Even if it’s just for two weeks. And I saw a family in a car with kids in the back seats, each absorbed in their iPads, not talking, not looking through the window, not existing. And as they came out, they went into a McDonalds instead to a playground.

Usually, I observe people because I am curious. Or I see something they are wearing/doing and I want to be like them. But now, all I wanted was to take my shoes off and return to the jungle. The city and its speed makes me want things I do not need, buy clothes I do not fit in, put makeup on that turns me to a woman media wants me to be in order to impress people I don’t even like.

So today I’m smiling. I don’t need any of this. Actually, I don’t want any of this. When I see an animal I’d want to talk to it and pet it. If I want to eat a cake, I will do it. Have a second piece if it’s good. I want to sing in a shower, even though I am a terrible singer. I’d want to laugh out loud if someone tells a good joke, even if I might embarrass some of the people around. I want to ride a bike decorated in flowers and I want to have a picnic in the park where it says “don’t walk on a meadow”. I won’t buy beauty products, because I don’t care if I wake up looking horrible. I won’t wear high heels because it will make my legs look thinner. If I will wear it it will be because I would feel like wearing it. However it’s much more likely I will wear Doc Martens boots instead. I don’t want to go to parties in order to lose myself and relax from busy lifestyle. I want to wake up every day and know that I am alive and I will do things I want to do for the purpose of me wanting it, not anyone else.

Dearest New Zealand, thank you so much for this precious gift. I came to see you because I wanted to give you something, Instead, I left with enormous strength, power and will to dream, love and care in a totally different way. You reminded me what a real world looks like and which things are truly important. I will be seeing you again. I promise.

Biba

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What you really need to make you feel alive can be much simpler than you imagine … and closer.

Everybody has problems. That is so not true

Dear reader,

I’m sure you disagree with the above title of today’s blog post. Sure there is not a single person on this planet, who would be completely without any problems. There is pain, hatred, misery, injustice, fraud, violence everywhere. It is impossible to not call that problems, sometimes even world’s problems. Trump and the like if you will.

I disagree to call these problems. Ahhhh. Let me explain (and no, I’m not a Trump fan).

Everybody experiences tough life situations. In fact, some of the most brilliant people have had it pretty tough. Yeah, shit happens to everyone. And some people make problems out of it. Others don’t. There is a profound difference between life situations and problematic situations. For example, I crash in a car accident and end up in a wheelchair. This a serious and difficult life situation. Now, there are (at least) two options:

  • I can cling onto this misery and expand it so that it will seriously damage and affect my relationships, my wellbeing, my job, even my explanatory style and cognition.
  • I can deal with it simply for what it is: shit that happened and cannot be undone or reversed. In this case with profound and lasting consequences. Yet this doesn’t have to mean that I’m having a problem and that my whole life will have to suffer because of it. My relationships might still be something worth living for. I might adjust to my job or change it if it can’t be adjusted. And about my wellbeing, there is no external factor that could influence it. It is my decision on which only I decide how to go about it.

Want to hear a secret? The choice which way to go, lies entirely within your hands. John Weakland, Steve de Shazer’s predecessor with whom the roots of the Solution Focused Approach first began, was such a wise man, for he said the following:

“Life is one thing after another, problems are the same damn thing over and over again”

When something unexpected and unpleasant happens, it becomes a problem if you handle it in a way that doesn’t work, namely by repeating or applying some of the strategies leading you nowhere, such as mourning, hiding, performing bad habits, blaming others or yourself, fighting, attacking, or else. You name it, you know exactly what you are doing that doesn’t work. Yet do you know what does work? Not in theory but in practice?

If your answer is no, here’s some good news: you can learn. People are not born with this, people develop these skills to reckon what is useful in a certain situation and what is not. There are myriads of resources available on the web and dozens of trainings where you can learn how to do it and discover it in a way that is right for you. I’m not saying it will be easy – it took me about 3 years and I’m still not where I feel I ought to be, but my life has dramatically changed ever since. And it hasn’t changed because the circumstances have changed. It has changed because I chose to take it into my own hands.

You’ve got all the power you need to be a person without problems. No matter what shitty situations life brings you.

Biba

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Picture borrowed. Can’t remember where from.

Unleashed Potential

Dear reader,

you haven’t heard from me for quite a while. The statistics still shows you keep coming back and I’m grateful for your patience.

After a period of stress and unbalance, I’m back, brand new and shiny. I feel energized, thrilled and powerful. In May we had our last Solution Focused Professional Training and with this act, Slovenia got her first generation of future Solution Focused practitioners. I’m so proud of them and so happy not to be alone anymore but to be a foundation and meeting point for a thriving community.

I’ve been very busy as well. In May and June I’ve hosted several workshops at the Faculty of Economics for English speaking students. I’ve also done some presentations and a workshop for a conference on advanced business approaches for business analysts. And I’ve delivered a training for experienced trainers who work in the youth field. Quite a dynamo!

Not spending much time online, I’ve been thinking of you, dear reader, as well, realizing that I somehow miss you, even though I don’t know you. Both of us, we form a community by inspiring and supporting each other mutually. I’m happy to have you and as Ribalon is thriving, I realized you play an integral part in it. So thank you very much for following this blog, for your presence, your engagement.

It has happened several times that I got messages from people saying they follow my work and are really happy to see me actually do things and make a difference. They often say how wonderful it is to see someone pursuing their dreams and really enjoying what they do.

Yes, this is truly such a privilege. To be born in a continent that is somewhat safe and has rather good estate regulations and public instititutions that care about its people. You might complain they suck, but hey, try travelling round the Globe a bit and you’ll see that what we have is far from being taken for granted. Women rights for example. Clean water. Public education. Democracy. You name it.

The second privilege is to be born with capacities that allow you to evolve and develop in what you aspire to be. You know – the things you want to do and you’re good at. Not necessarily parallel. So if you are able to do what you like to do and you are good at what you do, this is a winning combinaton! Most of the people I know have jobs they go to. Very few actually belong to the profession and call it passion.

The third, and not unimportant thing, is that you are able to do what you like and love to do, you are good in doing that and it brings you enough money so that you can live from this. Ribalon is a bit less than a year and a half old. And it is self sustainable already. Not really making profits yet, but certainly capable to take baby steps forward. And I don’t know anything about marketing, business plan, strategy, sales or entrepreneurship (not even know whether the spelling is right!). I just do my thing and I do a lot of it. I engage in conversations with people and use every opportunity to let them experience useful and meaningful conversations. People love it and they keep coming back and asking for more. And I don’t use any marketing or google adwords to make that happen.

This is a jewel, a true gem. And I feel alive and thriving! And happy to share it with you – there is enough light for all of us and it only multiplies by sharing!

Biba

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Our first Slovenian Solution Focused reunion. 

How Solution Focused Approach Changed My Life

Dear reader,

just finished a Skype session with a rather long term client (seeing her over 2 years), who likes to check in once in a while to see whether she’s still “on track”. She is also interested to learn how to use Solution Focused Approach in her own line of work, but since she’s from another continent, she won’t be able to make it to our Slovenian Solution Focused Training. By the way – hurry, early bird registrations will close tomorrow, so make sure you’ve secured your place!

She stated that the main reason she wanted to learn SF (Solution Focused) was, because she had noticed how different my life became, since I encountered this approach. And she would like to make a similar difference in and for her life. I wouldn’t pay much attention to her words personally (of course professionally yes), if it weren’t that same morning, that a friend wrote to me on Facebook how much she appreciates my work and what an inspiration I am for others, especially younger ones, who are at the beginning of their professional career paths.

Maybe I can point out some benefits on how Solution Focused approach changed me, my life and those around me. I want nothing but the best for you, so maybe you might find this useful and can make Solution Focused approach work for you as well:

  • I’m not afraid. Action kills fear. If I’m unsure into something, I do it anyway. Before I was always scared what would happen if things go wrong. I had to make sure it was a “perfect moment”. Often that moment never came and I gave up before doing anything.
  • I travel. I’ve travelled round the Globe, but not as a tourist. I travel to learn, to explore, to expand, to increase tolerance and acceptance of diversity. See the post about a fierce journey for example.
  • I’m no longer setting goals. Goals don’t work. Instead I’m looking for signs. And since that changed, I managed to put together quite some pieces of work, like the Ribalon Institute, my first international scientific article and an EU project.
  • I’m not alone. I belong to a strong international network of professionals who help me grow. I’ve got the world’s best supervisors. Amazing partners, intervision coaches and worldwide friends. I’m not scared to ask for support. And I’m not reluctant to offer some if needed.
  • I’ve learned how to say NO. Managed to say goodbye to (fortunately very few) toxic people. I don’t tolerate disrespect and oppression. Also, I don’t tolerate gossip. Have much more important things to do.
  • I can change others. Until now, probably I’ve had like 500 workshops or trainings. Sometimes my contractors say I have to deal with a conflict/uncooperative/unmotivated group/individual. Never ever have I had a problem to inspire them.
  • My work matters. I see clients who say they’ve really messed up. I’ve worked with clients thinking about suicide, clients who were struggling with eating disorders, anxiety, depression, I’ve worked with parents who had “unbearable” teenagers. I worked with many many young people who were stuck and wanted to quit. Some might say I’m not qualified to solve their problems. They are right. I’m not quailfied – but the clients are! Also, I’m not solving their problems – they are!
  • I’m genuinely happy. It’s not a state of euphory that goes up and down. It’s a constant state of integrity, joy and passion to do what I like to do, what I’m good at and what matters to others. Plus, I am surrounded by people who take my energy and give it back.
  • I want to pay it forward. This was the main call that got us into organizing this very first SLOVEnian SF training. Because I want to offer an opportunity to others to have a possible life changing experience. Who knows – sometimes a word said at a right time, can change someone’s life forever. I hope I’m spreading good words.

Though Solution Focused approach might not be responsible or triggering all of the above, I know that if I wouldn’t come accross it, my life would be a life from someone I used to be and am not anymore. People change. Be the change you want to see, Gandhi said. Wise man.

Biba

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Your life. Your choice.

I would if I were you – a Word about the Discipline

Dear reader,

sometimes people say to me they envy me – my work, all my travels, my looks, my grades, my home, even my cat … saying things like: “Oh if I were you, I could do so many things, but I just can’t. It’s too difficult. I just.. can’t. You have it easy – you have everything. I wish I was so lucky”.

Well, sure, I have a splendid life, thank you. On the surface maybe. But what you see is only a top layer, you don’t see the long hours I’ve spent mastering a certain skill, you don’t see days of reading, doubting, worrying, you don’t see all the way I had to walk to get me where I am. And you don’t see that I’m never standing still, never resting on my achievements.

I used to be a professional ballet dancer. Not a very good one, but good enough to be in choir of the National Ballet Theatre. I’d spend at least 3 hours a day practising (weekends included). The same moves over and over, until perfection (or injury). I used to play violin. It took me several years before I could bring the melody out of the instrument without sounding like cats in heat. It really was 10% talent and 90% of work. And by that I don’t mean work for fun. It’s really hard work that you don’t always like, nor you always have the right moods to do it, but you do it anyway. You don’t see the results, but you go on, keep trying in hope that you might get just a little better than you were yesterday.

Then I grew up, went to the university and became lazy :).

Now what I do, not for a nice figure, but to stay in shape because I sit a lot, is I run. Several times a week. Not every day, but mostly. In any weather condition. Not much, a couple of miles, but enough to be really sweaty in the end. I do that straight out of bed in the morning at 6 o’clock – do some yoga warm up exercises and then I go. So often it happens that I’d rather stay in bed and cuddle a bit. Or I’m really tired and just can’t get out. Or it’s raining. Or it is too dark/wet/cold or I’m running late because the alarm clock didn’t work. So many excuses EVERY SINGLE TIME! Want to know the trick? I don’t listen. At least try not to listen (do fail at that a lot, otherwise I would tell you I run every day, and that’s not true). And as soon as I put my sneakers on, the excuses fade away and I feel really proud for being strong enough to do the right thing. Then usually I step into some mud or manure or I twist my ankle, but still, it feels good.

So if today I’m good at something or I have something, I had to work to get that. There is no such thing as a goal achieved fast and easy without any efforts. Or at least not a worthy goal. You might look for some comfort in adverts promising to get you happier, slimmer, healthier in no time, but they’re not real. Sure you can nowadays simply buy many things, even things like a degree, trust, etc. But deep down you know these things have no value. The most valuable things you own, you earn by trying really hard to obtain them. And when you do, you know how much they are worth in terms of self-respect, pride, reputation and last but not least, these things last. Even if you loose a job, home or someone harms you, you know you can do it again. All over if you have to.

So no reason to worship or be jealous. You can do it too. If I can, so can you. If you fail or the result is not coming or revealing itself instantly, you’re not alone in this. I am too.

roze

… to believe in tomorrow (A. Hepburn). This picture is from my garden – I’m still learning how to take care of the plants and these flowers were the only thing that survived this year. Not much, but good enough to be a perfect motif for today’s post.

A Word About Happiness

Dear reader,

It’s all about finding happiness, whatever that is, isn’t it? We do things to be happy; buy things that we believe would make us happy; look for relationships to find a person we could be happy with; strive to find a job with a meaning to find happiness, etc. Many times it doesn’t work. None of these forms. So what is it then?

Happiness appears to be universal, yet you get different answers to the question what it means to be happy and how to get there. Most people try at least, some even know what it looks like and how to make it last. Most of us hope we might get a clue, sometimes we get closer, sometimes well … we’re pissed.

Happiness is overrated, yet it is what it’s all about. Some call it meaning, purpose, some call it love, some call it passion or bliss. Same as in paragraph above – 100 people, 100 definitions, all right from their point of view. “To be happy” is the most common best hope I notice about my clients. Ways and shapes come different, but in the end in its core meaning, it comes down to this.

I had a client today, she said she wants to find a goal and meaning in her life. Some straightforward direction, a clear path. She’s about my age, so we are both representatives of the generation Y, which has it difficult these days (high youth unemployment, we are sometimes called “the lost generation” …). So defining a goal as our parents did, is not as effective strategy for us as it was for them. Also the meaning is different. So at the end of a lovely session, she asked why I keep doing this, trying to help other people, giving my time and efforts. For nothing.

I remembered a story I once read somewhere. Don’t remember where, in which language (have a clue might be French?), what the plot was, nothing. What I remember, is that a story was about a boy child, who came home to his mother and was really in a bad mood. He was bored and annoyed, he moaned. “Make me happy!” he shouted to his mother. She turned to him, embraced him and after a while said: “Why don’t you go help someone?”

That was the story. Well I do hope that I’ll make a living on doing this one day, but it’s not for the profit, just to enable me do what makes me “happy”. So now you know. I didn’t tell my client this, because we’ve been talking about other stuff. But this is what I would answer.

Here's to introduce my friend to you, who helped me in Brighton as I was "alone in a foreign country". Is this happiness? Well then I consider myself really lucky!

Here’s to introduce my friend to you, who helped me in Brighton as I was “alone in a foreign country”. Is this happiness? Well then I consider myself really lucky!