Almost Birthday – one of the worst days of my life

Dear reader,

This post contains some adult inappropriate language. Not suitable for children’s bedtime story.

At the end of 2017, I heard someone say 2018 is going to be a »year of a mad dog« according to some Chinese whatever. That it would bring loads of health problems as well as some rude cuts and endings, some of which should be made/done ages ago. She also said that those who would refuse to be genuine, will have a very hard time. I don’t believe any of this stuff, be it horoscope, destiny, card reading, whatever. Which means I am probably too stupid to understand and too limited to give it a go. However, sometimes I wonder whether there’s something to it …

My past few months have been quite turbulent. Or better to say, the past 6 months. I told you my body’s been protesting for quite some time. My immune system’s been very poor. I accepted it and tried various things to fix it. Somewhat successful, but every few weeks I got another dose, and apparently this is a sign I am not doing the right thing. Those of you who have seen me also know, I have had quite some problems with my leg. Since last summer I can’t run anymore. I’m in constant pain and it got worse in the past 3 months to the extent that I couldn’t sleep without painkillers.

It all got to a point where I needed to see a doctor, which I never ever do, because I don’t trust them. It all went very quickly – from an “innocent” knee pain to the fact that my hip is very damaged. A few days ago I found out that in 3 weeks I’ll have a quite big operation of my right hip, called periacetabular osteotomy. The rehabilitation process after the surgery will take up to 6 months and after 8 months I’ll need to have another operation. At about the same time I got some other news, which upset me much more than my own. My friends and colleagues have been diagnosed with terminal diseases. One colleague with pancreatic cancer, so he’s got his months counted. Other friends are getting divorced. I don’t know what to think of all of this except that it is a clear sign and an invitation for something for me to learn, but I don’t seem to figure out what, because it keeps getting worse and worse.

I got into London today to do some teaching, which I am very much looking forward to. I don’t know when I might come back again. It might even be my last time, definitely last time walking like this. I don’t know, I can’t know. We don’t know. Tomorrow might not be. Thinking these thoughts, I messed up my travels. I got on the wrong bus, got off the wrong station, took the second bus into the wrong direction, lost my Oyster card … which brought me somewhere in the middle of nowhere, as if I was in London for the very first time. So, there I was, with my heavy backpack, in a light coat, as I haven’t checked the weather forecast. Freezing, not being able to walk. My leg hurt like hell, the battery on my phone went off so I didn’t even know where I was. I thought: “Okay, I’ll accept this, embrace this and try to figure out what to do with cool head”. The same way I’ve been somehow coping in the past 6 months because I thought this is the way to go about – quite unusual for me, but perhaps suitable, moderate and mature. I started walking, made 5 steps and couldn’t go on, because my pain was prohibiting it. Then someone came by, hit me with their bag and poured their drink on me, accidentally. And then I lost it.

Fuck this, fuck trying to accept things, bend my head and adjust. Screw being polite, attentive, caring, putting everyone else first and trying to do the right thing. Damn it the polite language and manners. It’s obviously not working for me. I am just simply not a kind person, nor am I well-behaved, calm, with good manners, caring or easy to get on with. I am fucking brilliant, temperamental, rude, passionate, fast, but with an amazing capacity to connect people and make them feel good about themselves. I’ve got my negatives and positives, but they are not moderate – they are extreme! No wonder I have many people who adore me, and also many who hate me. But not many who would be neutral. So what’s all the fuss with stoical “accepting”, “embracing”, “being all spiritual” and “zen-like”. This is obviously not my thing, no matter how useful it might be. For some. Not for me. I told the person off big time and he attacked me, verbally (not without reason). He was twice my size so he’d easily kill me if he wanted to, there, somewhere in a dodgy London suburbia. I started laughing in the middle of his verbal diarrhoea. And so did he after his surprised look. We then together called an Uber and got where we both had to be and it turned out to be close to where I needed to be.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Since my last one, I was very much looking forward to it, as it is a very nice number and the one I thought will be somehow memorable. Was hoping to celebrate it with some of my favourite people here in London, like the last year. But in only one year, everything’s changed. I am very likely to end up being alone tomorrow. So on one hand I am quite fed up with everything, but on the other hand, I suspect that I hit the bottom today at this damned bus station and tomorrow I’ll be me again. Being ahead of some tough times. My closest people are ahead of tough times too. Now we’ll see what’s real. What’s authentic. All the rosy glasses will break and what will remain is us being naked. I think I am ready by not being ready. My operation and rehab will be long and very painful. I’ll be receiving morphine and will have to learn how to walk again. I might lose some of my closest people. I’m definitely not ready for that. But I am not scared to love them and I will not fake it through the journey, even if it means upsetting many people, risking things or starting brand new. But I realised that I should be so protective of me and people closest to me, that I’ll simply dismiss everything and everyone for simply having the wrong energy. Fuck this, life is too short and there are too many things I don’t want to miss. Like loving a lot. Laughing a lot. Telling the rest to F*** off. Sorry for my language in this post, but your problem if you have a problem with it 🙂 and it’s my bday soon, right?

I don’t know how able I’ll be to write in the upcoming months. I’m also cutting down nearly all my work. But I’ll try to keep you updated in hope that you might get something in this journey for you in case you are facing some of your own tough situations, called life. We won’t get out alive anyway. So let’s go baby, full speed!

Biba

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No makeup. No masks. No filter. No plans. Many hopes?

I Will Be

Dear reader,

as soon as you learn something new and you grow, you’ll be exposed to tests. The more meaningful your step, the harder these trials will be. And I somehow believe that life gives you challenges which you are somewhat capable to fight or survive.

I was given a huge challenge. I have to say goodbye to my morning runs. Possibly for good. Apparently my body’s been quite heavily damaged without my awareness and it is coming out now.

I can’t tell you what an unpleasant surprise that was. And it has come so far that I have to be taking pain killers in order to sleep properly. I won’t go into details, this is simply for you to illustrate that as soon as you think you might master something, life will send you a challenge to prove it.

So I now have an opportunity to prove that I will be. Strong on my own. If I want other people to believe in miracles, first I have to prove that they are indeed possible. Which reminds me of a beautiful song, 9 years ago, when I did my last ballet performance. I was already out of the ballet world for some years, so was not in a well rehearsed shape, but I did it anyway, because my friends and colleagues were so keen on it. We prepared it as part of a welcome event for freshmen students. This was the last time I was on stage and it probably contributed to my today’s injuries. Wasn’t very happy with the performance, but was very grateful for audience’s warm response. So I’m sharing the video below, even though I don’t like it at all and think I did poorly. But it was my very last performance and today I know that I will never be able to do this again.

Why am I telling you this? While preparing for that performance and doing the choreography, I picked a song which meant a great deal to me back then. It’s Christina Aguilera’s song “I Will Be”. I wanted to give the new students a gift of encouragement together with faith that they will make it at the university. Because when you are in trouble, you need to retain the hope and faith that things will get better. And things will get better.

As the lyrics go:

It comforts me
It keeps me
Alive each day of my life
Always guiding me, providing me
With the hope I desperately need

Well I gotta believe
There’s something out there meant for me
Oh, I’ll get on my knees
Praying I will receive
The courage to grow and the faith to know

So whatever challenges you might be facing at this very moment, have faith that you WILL manage somehow. In fact everything you need is already there. I’ll desperately try to recollect my hope and get better and when I succeed, I’ll share it with you. Hopefully before NY’s, so we could do it together in this training. Which I shall cancel in case I do not manage.

Be strong.

Biba