The Key to My Heart

Dear reader,

no matter the weather, there will always be a place on Earth with plenty of sunshine. Or thunderstorms, depending on your preference or perspective. Whatever you think of things and events that are happening around you, you are right in version of your own truth.

Life is never easy. It is multifaceted, complex and unpredictable. Yet it doesn’t have to be unnecessarily complicated. I meet many people every day. They share their stories and wisdom. I am lucky to be blessed with a gift of being a wonderful and charismatic trainer/teacher and with the ability to make other people around me feel special. In that sense my work is a combination of what I am good at and passionate about. And sometimes I forget this and then my participants remind me of it. So today I’ll share some of their thoughts. It says a whole lot more about them than it does about me. So have a look at what kind of wonderful people I usually work with:

Biba is a very easy to follow and engage with teacher. I have learned a lot from her knowledge of the SF approach as well as her genuine passion. I think it would be useful for anyone (counsellor, parent, manager, etc.) to experience and practice at least once in their life like this. (Anna)

Working together will inspire, energise and change the way you work, live and think (Luke)

There is a lovely energy about you and an incredible inner strength. (Susana)

There is some mystery about how the process works, it seems. Perhaps that is a good thing as we humans are so hard wired to seek and enjoy mystery.  (Jane)

Thanks so much for this Biba and for the excellent sessions you ran here.  It was great to meet you and I have already tried putting some SF thinking into practice. (James)

I thoroughly enjoyed your energy! You are the real deal! (Chantal)

I like your relaxed, respectful and light-hearted way of being. Of course you will feel sometimes different, but there is always a joy around you. (Annemieke)

Those are not official testimonials, gathered for the purpose of promotion, far from it. They are little messages I got in the past three days alone. And I want to share them with you, because I want to emphasise that having a talent isn’t only a privilege. It is a responsibility and duty too – a duty to use it and give to community. Share your ideas. Share yourself. And then watch the magic happen when you get back to what you give tripled.

Yesterday my magic materialised as a very special key. I got my own pair of keys to BRIEF and I am now ready to start seeing my face to face clients (individuals or families) at BRIEF. Yesterday I saw a mother and her teenage son. So much love and care they have for each other and it was beautiful to watch it surface again. So come and join. Be a part of it. Use your talents. Welcome!

With much love and from life,

Biba

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The Keys to My Heart

Everything Changes

Dear reader,

luck comes to those who are brave enough to look for it. There are many people who dream big. Many people who have given up their dreams. Many people who have no chance of anything like dreaming. And some people who actually do something about it.

Easier said than done. Doing something what you like is tricky. Because it might actually be much more difficult to do than doing something you don’t like. It seems paradoxical and somehow it is, because most of the people want to have a good life, enjoy themselves and those around them.

So why do most people still complain, look out for something different, fail over and over and are generally not satisfied with their current lives? Here are a few ideas how come choosing one way is easier than the other.

  • Living a live you want requires trust.

Trust I am talking about here is trust that things will work out. Trust that the way will unfold itself when the time is right. Trust also means letting go of planing, letting go of your super huge goals, letting go of analysing and trying to figure out “why” and “exactly how”.

  • Living a life you want requires courage.

Courage to take responsibility for your actions. Which might have good or bad consequences. Courage to do things that frighten you, be it call some stranger, write a complaint, tell somebody you love them, apologise for something you might have done. Courage to believe in yourself. To believe that you already have everything it takes and to believe that in a crucial moment you’ll know what to do. Which connects with the above mentioned trust.

  • Living a life you want has tolls.

It has. Some people might be your fans and admirers. And as such, they might be wanting things from you and might be on your tail. Some people might consider you threatening. Might try to disable you, stop you or speak behind your back. To live a life you want you might sometimes have to sacrifice things most people would not be willing to, such as getting drunk every weekend, wasting time watching series or even bigger things, such as giving up settling down in one place and building up a family or social community.

  • Living a life you want will pay you back.

Life is short. Way shorter than you realise. Many people say it begins at the end of your comfort zone. Since most of the people wouldn’t mind having a cosy life, this questions how many people actually do it. Are you really living or are you really comfortable? Easy roads do not make skilled drivers and one of the best teachers for life is supposed to be an empty pocket. Those of you who have quitted life of comfort, know very well that rewards are huge. You get a sense of being alive. A sense of freedom. Full flow. Passion. Love. Lightness and joy. Plenty of memories of all kinds. Nourishing relationships. Stories to tell. Experiences to share.

  • Living a life you want makes you modest.

The more you discover and experience, the less you “understand”. Until you give up the need to understand and the urge to explain. You begin to respect and celebrate diversity. Don’t have to be right (as if there is such a thing as being right). You don’t mind to share. And receive. You give up big dreams such as making an impact – it becomes more than enough to simply be, wake up every day with the sense of being fully alive and take care of your own wellbeing.

Since my last post, I am steadily moving towards a huge change in my life. A huge step that frightens me big time, and at the same time feels so right, that it would be a crime against humanity not going for it. I am choosing life, in all its beauty and unpredictability. The seeds have been planted, the end result (or better said a new beginning) will happen in a couple of months. If this post somehow resonates with you and you might want to move closer to living the life YOU want, I will share further steps  of my change with those of you who would like to get inspired via this Facebook page.

So much for now. Much love and from life,

Biba

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No reason to live? Get offline!

Dear reader,

More than one month since my last blog. In the meantime, I’ve had a Periacetabular Osteotomy hip operation. This is clearly not a small operation and the rehabilitation will take up to 6 months. It has been very painful, quite complicated, at moments more than a physical massacre. I am using crutches and am on a wheelchair now. With many restrictions, many narcotics, feeling dizzy, sloppy, slow.

But I tell you. I am having one of the best times of my life. The hospital where I was operated was more a hotel rather than a hospital, with view of the sea and peacocks perching on my window every morning and evening. We had the best time with my roomies – the last day before I was dismissed to be sent home I did every woman’s nails. My body has become my very best friend and companion – recovering rapidly. As soon as I got home I was quite independent, in spite all the restrictions and difficulties. Came off morphine last week, even thought I should be taking narcotics at least one more week. Have begun to drive already, even though I shouldn’t for at least for another four weeks. And no, I am not pushing it, am not trying to do the impossible, because I do not feel the urge or need to prove anything to anyone. My body is simply recovering splendidly. Even I myself am amazed. Of course there are ups and downs, but all in all, our bodies are miracles. And we tend to forget this way too often. Such a pity, really.

So that’s what’s been happening in the past month. But that’s not what I wanted to share with you. I wanted to tell you that one thing which helped me recover most, was being offline. Spending time with people who matter to me. Face to face. Closely. You know, when such life events happen, they make you pause and reflect. About what truly matters. I remember lying in my hospital bed, waiting to be taken to the operation room and since there have been quite some complications, I was not sure of whether I was gonna wake up or not. I was quite tired, stripped, fed up, have lost my independence, dignity, even hope. I knew the rehabilitation will be long and hard. I knew I will be in lots of pain (though couldn’t have imagined in what pain – had I known I might have changed my mind to allow this operation in the first place 🙂 ). In such moments it’s hard to find hope. But it is still possible to find joy. Find joy in the present moment, embrace it as it is. So I remember letting go of everything and simply decide to feel good. It worked. It so f****** worked that I still can’t believe it. And then I knew I was gonna be alright. Whatever will happen and wherever I will be, I will be alright.

Obviously, I have woken up, and I am here. Alive more than ever. But with one huge difference. Before this experience I was three things: being very ambitious, successful and at the same time pushing myself (and my body) beyond its limits. Now I realised this was perhaps attractive before, but it’s a new day today. Today I am not doing my life with anything but my heart anymore. What matters in the end, are the relationships. “Offline” relationships. Offline in the sense of being real. I have many very close friends whom I am mostly seeing online, but I count our relationships under “offline” category, because they are so genuine, so close, loving, affectionate. Yes, when it comes to life and death, you rearrange your priorities, And whatever you do, achieve, create, will not matter. What will matter is how much you have loved. So I decided to love. Dearly, passionately, closely.

I can’t tell you how much my life has changed. Yes, I might be disabled. Yes, I might be restricted. In pain. Weak. Fragile. But I have left such a huge baggage behind, which is called trying to make an impression, hiding, striving for to perfection. I don’t care about any of these anymore. If people like me, we’ll get together. If they don’t, there are almost 8 billion people on this planet so I won’t waste a thought on people who don’t match my frequency. But for those who do, I’d do everything. They are my life. If you are reading this or following this, you are my life too. I am your life too. And in the cold light of dawn, that’s what makes us human beings, that’s what gives us sense of belonging, that’s what creates joy. Which I believe is next to love, the second most powerful feeling.

Hope you are doing well. Tell me how you are 🙂

With much love,

Biba

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How did my butt get so big??

Dear reader,

funny story, this will make you laugh. Easter holidays and people are having days off, meaning shopping malls to be crowded, heavy traffic and loads of food. Perfect. I managed to break my husbands teapot and a big water jug, but hey, I’ve always been quite clumsy. Promised him to get him a new one and so there we were, today in the morning, putting our rain-boots on and getting ready to conquer the mall.

As I was putting my coat on, I looked at myself in the mirror. I was wearing pants not very flattering for my body shape, and as I looked at myself from behind, I went:

Omg since when’s my butt become so big?

My husband replied with: “No wonder it’s been big, you’re sitting 24/7, that’s what you’ve been doing.”

Now every woman ever will know that he screwed up big time. So there I was, my turn to react (or not). I could think of at least 246 choices. Here are a few:

  • I could have been devastated and could have spent another 2 hours examining my look from behind from every angle and trying to figure out whether he was right.
  • I could have bursted into tears for him being so rude and for telling the truth.
  • I could have felt really really bad, humiliated, ugly and unattractive and might have started thinking about dieting or exercising (but that’s not possible at the moment, because I can’t even walk).
  • I could have fallen into despair.
  • I could have tried to defend myself by shouting at him.
  • Or pretend to be an ostrich and not deal with the whole thing at all.
  • I could have killed my husband for being an idiot.
  • Or send someone to do that for me.

Now, before you send someone round to shoot my husband, please note that he’s never been very good with verbal expressions. Not that I am defending him or anything.

I know so many women to whom an event like that would spoil their entire day or week. And in a millisecond before starting to shout at him, I played several scenarios and how that might impact my day, I decided to do some assessment and pick the most useful response. Not for him, but for me.

  • My husband made a rude remark, which I will ignore and will not let it impact any of my thoughts or actions, except for writing this blog.
  • He is well aware it was rude. I’ll leave it up to him to deal with it. His laundry is none of my business.
  • It’s true that I’m sitting a lot lately. But it’s not because I would chose to do so, it’s because I am currently in too much pain to do any exercise or walk.
  • It’s the time of the month when my body’s doing its best to hold a possible baby. So consequently I might be a bit bloated. My breasts are bigger (and welcomed), so why would my butt not be allowed to be as well?
  • If my butt indeed has become bigger, so what. It is still my butt, I love it, it is serving me very well and I’ll keep loving it.
  • Big butts are very sexy.
  • If it will indeed bother me or will become uncomfortable, I will do something about it. But at the moment I am totally okay with it.
  • I am actually looking forward to having a big butt. In the upcoming months I will be sitting a lot and it is better to sit on a soft cushion than sit on a bony footstool.

See the difference? The trick is you can always, ALWAYS chose how certain events might affect you. Today I was in a good vibration, so I managed to do it elegantly and in only a second. And you got a witty story 🙂

Here’s to our butts,

Biba

Happy National Kissing Day!

Eating disorders are wasting your time

Dear reader,

This is a very personal post and I have never written about this subject so openly.

For some reason, I remembered some of my teen idols. I was so in love with a French dancing figure skating pair, Marina Anissina and Gwendal Peizerat, especially with their performance of “Esmeralda” and “Time to Say Goodbye” in the early 2000’s. Watching them skate again today, brought many memories of my early, young, fragile age, so I decided to go on with my orange-reddish hairstyle 🙂

Another recent idol has been Yulia Lipnitskaya, a young Russian figure skater, who, at the age of only 15 won the gold medal (well deserved!). I was wondering what she might be up to today, 4 years later, and found out that she’s retired from sport, due to severe anorexia.

I couldn’t believe it. It made me so so sad. She is far from lonely case. I dedicated my whole life to classical ballet, up to the age of 21. For years I was suffering from eating disorders. It started as I was getting ready for Ballet Nationals and my teacher made some crude remarks about my weight. At the age of 16, I wanted to do my best to “fit in”, succeed, meet the standards, regardless of how inhumane or devastating they were. I forced my body to do things most people couldn’t even imagine was possible. I pushed it beyond every limit and won the second place, dancing with a torn calf muscle. I could go on not eating for days, or bring every single meal out whenever I wanted. Still, no signs of fatigue or lost strength or physical ability. I had complete control over it. It was my absolute slave.

I made my best friend my slave. And as most things I was up to, I succeeded 100%.

It all got worse at about the same time, when I was almost expelled from school for anonymously publishing an article about certain practices and behaviours at our school. What I’d written was nothing but truth, but the reaction I got from my teacher was awful. I was excluded, humiliated, yelled at so that the entire school could hear and after that I learned to keep quiet, swallow all the injustices and simply pretend everything was fine. Pretend I was okay. Suppress all the emotions, desires, hopes. Just work, work, work. At the age of 16 my wings were broken. Crushed. I thought it was my fault. Everybody was pointing at me, confirming it was my fault. People watching me go down the road of slowly getting more and more exhausted, bystanders not knowing what to do, friends disappearing.

Eating disorders are lethal. They are one of the most damaging addictions. Vicious things, lurking in the back, taking over your life slowly, while you are fooling yourself believing you are in control.

I was so sad to read about Yulia. Such talents, such beautiful souls carried away by this disease. Many professionals are claiming, one cannot escape this circle. That the victim will always stay trapped in the cold hands of anorexia or bulimia. I say they are wrong.

I managed to recover myself. It happened as everyone else gave up. Doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, all sort of professionals. They gave up because they failed to ask me one single question:

What are your best hopes?

All of them were focused on ways how the disease was messing up with my life, or worse, how it’s become my life. None of them bothered to ask me about my other sides, my passions or hopes, probably because they assumed I had none. I believed that too. But it was not true. It was only that my wings were broken, but that doesn’t have to mean that I would not be able to grow new ones. Being kept in an environment where everybody was constantly reminding me that I have “screwed up”, “will not make it again” and “can’t do it myself” has been more damaging than the wounds I cut myself.

So at one point, after years of suffering, I decided that I won’t let my 16-year old down. I’ll never hide again and will never bow, even if and when my mouth will get me in trouble. I’ll never stand people for having the wrong energy, because I learned to be protective of myself and of people around me. People who are affected by eating disorders have several wonderful traits – they take it all on them, which makes them very pleasant company. They are incredibly talented, intelligent and resilient. But they simply don’t know that yet or don’t believe it. Eating disorders are a way of withdrawing, distracting from pain, focusing the punishment onto yourself, even when someone else is guilty. But in the cold light of dawn, eating disorders are a waste of your time. And a terrible waste of your potential.

Again, I was so sad to read the news about Yulia. And I know many girls like her, even some boys. I used to be one. And I can also show you that you, YOU ALONE, can manage to spread your wings again, fly, or grow whatever you need in order to lead the life you want. Yes, you can, without medication, painful questions and all sort of experts, who will pretend they care and will pretend they know better than you. No-one knows better than you.

Connect with me, if this sounds appealing and you might benefit from my experience. I was extremely lucky, that a couple of years after recovering, I accidentally bumped into Solution Focused Brief Therapy, which was exactly how I managed to restore my best version. The version that will never shut up and will never ever bend again. So naturally, I became a SFBT therapist and am now trying to make a difference with the approach and care, I needed, but was simply not there. With all my love and all my passion, both of which at some point I thought will never be on the menu of my feelings again. So I got lucky, but not because faith had it, but because I looked out for it.

With so much love to all the Yulias,

Biba

 

Pessimism & Negativity

Dear reader,

I was born in Slovenia. This country, beautiful as it is, is prone to negativity. I am very sad to say, that its people are very capable, well educated, talented, hard working … but essentially negative and overly pessimistic.

You won’t recognise it at first. But if you are living abroad and/or have had contacts with other nations and other cultures, you would spot this dangerous mindset instantly.

I used to be just alike – being born and raised there. And I’m not writing this to point fingers to anyone – everyone involved in my upbringing was doing the best they could, in their given circumstances and with given means.

I am writing this to show, that there are things that can be done to change this mindset. That things CAN be different.

First things first, some disclaimers. I do think pessimism is better than optimism. This is my internal belief. Why? Because research shows that pessimists are more right. That they see the truth and holistic picture as it is, not as they want it to be. However, and especially because of this, I had to LEARN optimism. Not to embrace it fully and look at the world through pink glasses (not my thing), but instead view it through pragmatical approach and recover fast from whatever challenges life brings me.

When I first left Slovenia in 2014, my self confidence and professional identity was quite low, I was quite shy and here’s why:

I was taught that “it can’t be done“. That “it’s a waste of time, because my idea won’t work out anyway“.

And if I managed to do it anyway, people were jealous, telling things behind my back or were in best case, cool towards my successes. Very few people were genuinely happy and those people today are all thriving somewhere, either in Slovenia, but many have moved abroad.

In 2014, when I first proposed one humble idea to my hosting organisation in the UK, I was expecting a response with arguments of why this idea might not work out. And list of things how it might not work out. So I was already prepared to give up. Instead, I got a helping hand, telling me it was a fabulous idea and they would like to develop and discuss it further with me. It blew away my mind, because it was a response I would expect the least.

It showed me, there IS a different way. There IS another approach. So I started learning Solution Focused Approach. It changed my life. And I had no idea how much, until I had my mother over for a visit the past weekend. She and my husband were engaged in a conversation, quite passionately sharing some of the views or arguing when not. Their whole conversation was imbued with negativity and moaning about and towards pretty much everything – the politics, weather, habits, news, neighbours, etc. Their suggestions were so negative. And I felt a huge weight on my chest, even though I was not engaged in the conversation and did not want to do so either. I felt 13 again. It felt like home, a known feeling, but not a good fit.

So they drew a picture in front of me, showing me not how they are, but how much I have changed. I have cultivated a whole new and different mindset, which got me to be an international trainer. And now I want to share some of that knowledge and skills I had to learn (sometimes the hard way), but for you, you can simply get it from me.

It doesn’t have to be all bad. We don’t have to live in such a negative world. You CAN learn to do it differently. And change your whole world.

If you are tired of this negativity too and if you are a Slovenian, I am organising a free online workshop for you to have a taster of the Solution Focused (SF) Approach. Sign up here and perhaps make a step towards the best part of your life. It was definitely the best one for me.

See you there,

Biba

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I finally did it – my big manifestation came true!!!

Dear reader,

Finally, the day has arrived, the day I’ve been working towards for the last 5 years. Today I finally submitted the theoretical part of my PhD. Not long now, before I’ll finally finish my studies and become Dr Biba 🙂

I can’t tell you what a relief this is. To be honest, I had quite some doubts along my journey of whether I am going to make it, whether I am good enough to be accomplishing such a demanding task as even thinking, let alone writing a PhD. There was a time where I almost gave up, because my life has turned to a very different direction, as those of you who’ve been following this blog for some time, know. In that moment, what was crucial was faith of my two PhD supervisors. As I was that close to tell them it is no use and I am wasting their time, they supported me and encouraged me to keep going. So I pulled myself together and decided to do two things:

  • Withdraw completely from whatever was interrupting my attention, including my training courses, seeing clients, teaching and any other activity connected to Ribalon
  • Manifest my desire to finish in due time.

I manifested to submit the thesis on January 15th. How, was not important. Whether I will make it, was also out of question, because I knew manifestation worked and I trusted myself that I will be capable to do it.

It worked.

Since coming back from Frankfurt World SF Conference, I was hardly doing anything else but writing. I wasn’t very communicative. I have hardly done any trainings or clinical work (except some small workshops here and there just to get myself out a bit). For four months all I did was writing, from morning to evening. My health got worse. During those four months my will and abilities were tested to the ground. By the end I was somehow going nuts and yesterday I couldn’t even recognise the words on the screen anymore. But not even for a moment did I allow myself a thought that I will not make it. I ordered myself to do it and so here it is – CELEBRATION TIME!

In a couple of hours I’ll board onto a plane again and leave Europe for quite a while. Recharge, relax, do nothing but enjoy life for three whole weeks in Cuba. I know I deserve this, because I worked so hard. And now I also know that every task, regardless of how hard it seems at first, can be done in the following manner:

Taking only one small step at a time. That’s all you have to do.

As I stated in today’s vlog, if you want to kill your aspirations and manifestations, put an action plan on it. Action plans kill creativity, perseverance and passion. All you have to do instead is taking one small step at a time. You’ll always know what to do next.

So here I am today, proud as hell, packed and ready to go with my famous suitcase which is so worn out that I plan to leave it there. Best of luck to you and if you are in the middle or close to the end of something really important to you – learn to manifest! :). It will get you to your results faster and will enable you to do the work more efficiently.

Biba

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Wihihihihi on the road again – this time nothing but pleasure!

We must do away with ALL the explanations

Dear reader,

for several months I wasn’t feeling too well, as you know. Now 100 people will have 100 explanations in terms of why. I’ve also been part of an intensive online programme where a bit less than 1,000 women are meeting together and learning about ancient wisdom, Chinese medicine, rituals, spirituality, manifestation, care, relationships, etc. It is a very nice community with high vibes and pleasant energy, however I’ve discovered that instead of feeling empowered, I am not benefiting personally. I have begun to neglect my own work, my own path, because I’ve spent too much time in this programme. Until I finally noticed it is probably not the best place for me to be at the moment. Shortly said, I discovered one thing: in order to get things done and move forward in your life

Do Not Educate Yourself Too Much.

I learned about myself, that I don’t want to be trapped in any kind of dogma, not even no-dogma. It just does not fit in with me. I refuse to believe that people can be classified, analysed. Or completely understood. It might be my limited capacity of comprehension and ability to conceptualise, if so, be it. I do not have to be smart. I do not have to be right. I do not have to be anything, really. So while trying to find explanations for my recent health problems, I forgot to live. And of course, not to get me wrong, I guess we, people are prone to looking for explanations, meaning, making sense, me including. But for me, I figured that I don’t have to know everything even if I could. Nor do I want to know everything. In fact, I’d rather not. I do not want to be obsessed with healthy diet, rituals, exercises, self care, knowledge about how things work, when and why. For me, the opposite position is the only way not to be wrong and get at least somewhat close to discovering what works for you. In my line of work, working with people with severe problems, difficulties, traumas or challenges (some would even call it diagnosis), my clients taught me one thing: you never know how and why something happened or what your solution will look like. Hence any attempt to explain and/or understand is an attempt leading to a dead end street. My clients have taught me that people make all sorts of meanings in so many ways, that it is simply wrong to try to make sense or generalise human collective experience.

If that in the eyes of some, makes me stupid, shortsighted, resistant, not willing to change or develop, so be it. But for me is quite on the contrary. When you do away with all the explanations, as Wittgenstein said, you are finally able to see things as they are, not things you think they are. Things for you, of course, for others they might be something completely different.

So I’ll stop educating myself and will stop following. I’ll continue living instead, like I used to – brilliantly, passionately, without the urge to understand, comprehend or explain. Creating contents some people can relate to, inspiring people in my own way, not trying to persuade anyone how they should be living their lives and being happy, if because of my influence, someone managed to find his or her way forward.

Happy Christmas and thank you Universe, for this small reminder 🙂 And thank you dear reader, for your kind presence. Wish you a miraculous holiday 🙂

Biba

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I simply like having life happen as it happens. I like being unprepared.

2017: Letting Go …

Dear reader,

end of the year fast approaching. It seems I just got used to writing 2017 and only a couple of weeks and I’ll have to start all over again, learning how to write 2018.

For the first time in my life I am facing and noticing the process of impermanence. For some reason, in the past several months I have been in a position where everything seemed to be falling apart for me, especially my health. Not that I would do anything specific or disastrous, but my body has failed me totally and I haven’t reached the edge where I would see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.

My relationships are changing too. People are leaving my life, even people I wanted to stay close. I myself have dismissed quite many people, sometimes simply because I cannot manage it all, sometimes because I am too stupid to pay attention to what I say.

I am quite successful in my line of work, but even here I am noticing that I am becoming slower, am quickly tired and cannot tolerate mistakes the same way I used to only a year ago. Well, to be honest, right now I am in complete agony and boredom finishing my PhD, which is a hell of a work (am slowly beginning to understand why so few people actually have PhD’s).

The bottom line, it seems I might have every reason to feel sad, lonely and abandoned. However I am not. I learned that my body, my life, my presence, my relationships, etc. … is all very temporary. It shall all pass. One day I won’t open my eyes anymore. If I fight it or not. I am too small to influence things. But I can learn to let go.

I think life is sending me a lesson to learn how to let go.

I have realised my time here is limited. Perhaps very limited. My body will probably continue to bring me lots of pain and today I know I will never be able to wear high heels again. Or run. People in my life will continue to leave me. My mom will die (my dad is already dead). My husband might die before me. My closest person is too far away from me to share my life. When it comes to it, I guess everyone is on their own. We all have to go through this path alone. Sometimes in some nice company, but most of the time, you are likely to be alone. Which is not the same as lonely.

As I was observing those thoughts and have eventually managed to embrace it, I realised that my attention’s been focused on wrong things. I was focused on finding joy, following passion, being successful. I was seeking recognition, acknowledgement. I wanted to make a difference, perhaps a big difference that many people would benefit from. Now I am realising that the most I can do, is let go. The most I can do is try to live a life with integrity, honesty and with no expectations. Live the life as it is. If it means that in a couple of months I will not be able to walk anymore, I will have to let go of the idea to walk and accept my new reality, being grateful for the things I still can do, knowing that I might lose it as well.

Thoughts of impermanence make you think about your footprint in this world. What kind of a footprint would you like to leave once you are gone? I certainly do not want to be one of the people who help make this planet more polluted as it already is. I do not want any animal to suffer for my comfort (btw I am selling all of my Ugg boots – let me know if you want it). I do not want to be obsessed with material things. Or relationships. Right now, I am not quite sure what I do want and am at the moment in a position where I do not wish for much. But I do wish that those who will remember me once I am gone, will think of me as of a kind person. Which is currently not really my public image, I should think 🙂

So I am thankful to you, for letting me share my thoughts with you. I really appreciate all of your reads, even though I rarely hear back who you are. Thank you for being and pretty cool that our paths have crossed. It certainly isn’t a coincidence.

What do you want to be remembered for?

Biba

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Where to next? I am confused.

 

All I Want For Christmas …

Dear reader,

greetings from a snowy, cold and dark London. I haven’t been here since August and it is truly good to be back. I remember leaving it quite confused, with vague feelings and no plans, yet life never happens according to your plans so one might be surprised by how vague and gloomy predictions might turn into a quite bright and jolly future.

Anyways, every time I go to London and if I have time, I must visit some of my favourite places. And some of my favourite shops. Which include Victoria’s Secret. I really like nice lingerie and having a good bra is one of the things which are quite important to me. Not that I would have any preferred brand, but the truth to be told, I quite like VS ever since I first visited it years go in the US.

This time was no different, I had to sneak in the store and act as a completely spoiled western consumer (which feels quite good sometimes, no?). And then on my way home on the red bus, I had this small tiny moment of bliss.

I don’t need any of the VS’s fancy bras. In fact I don’t need anything.

All of my lovely, carefully designed shopping plans all of a sudden meant nothing. All of a sudden I was completely happy in my old, half torn jeans. All of my girly wishes vanished. And what remained was pure gratitude. Gratitude that I am alive. That I am safe. Warm. Relatively free to choose what I want to do. That I have a place to go. A thing to do. People to care for and care about. And that was pretty much it.

I realised I don’t need anything. I’ve already got much more than I need.

So this year I wish I had no wishes. Because it’s so f****** good 🙂 (sorry about the language!)

What do you want for Christmas?

Biba

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You really need very little. You might want a lot though.