Tag Archives: life

Everything Changes

Dear reader,

luck comes to those who are brave enough to look for it. There are many people who dream big. Many people who have given up their dreams. Many people who have no chance of anything like dreaming. And some people who actually do something about it.

Easier said than done. Doing something what you like is tricky. Because it might actually be much more difficult to do than doing something you don’t like. It seems paradoxical and somehow it is, because most of the people want to have a good life, enjoy themselves and those around them.

So why do most people still complain, look out for something different, fail over and over and are generally not satisfied with their current lives? Here are a few ideas how come choosing one way is easier than the other.

  • Living a live you want requires trust.

Trust I am talking about here is trust that things will work out. Trust that the way will unfold itself when the time is right. Trust also means letting go of planing, letting go of your super huge goals, letting go of analysing and trying to figure out “why” and “exactly how”.

  • Living a life you want requires courage.

Courage to take responsibility for your actions. Which might have good or bad consequences. Courage to do things that frighten you, be it call some stranger, write a complaint, tell somebody you love them, apologise for something you might have done. Courage to believe in yourself. To believe that you already have everything it takes and to believe that in a crucial moment you’ll know what to do. Which connects with the above mentioned trust.

  • Living a life you want has tolls.

It has. Some people might be your fans and admirers. And as such, they might be wanting things from you and might be on your tail. Some people might consider you threatening. Might try to disable you, stop you or speak behind your back. To live a life you want you might sometimes have to sacrifice things most people would not be willing to, such as getting drunk every weekend, wasting time watching series or even bigger things, such as giving up settling down in one place and building up a family or social community.

  • Living a life you want will pay you back.

Life is short. Way shorter than you realise. Many people say it begins at the end of your comfort zone. Since most of the people wouldn’t mind having a cosy life, this questions how many people actually do it. Are you really living or are you really comfortable? Easy roads do not make skilled drivers and one of the best teachers for life is supposed to be an empty pocket. Those of you who have quitted life of comfort, know very well that rewards are huge. You get a sense of being alive. A sense of freedom. Full flow. Passion. Love. Lightness and joy. Plenty of memories of all kinds. Nourishing relationships. Stories to tell. Experiences to share.

  • Living a life you want makes you modest.

The more you discover and experience, the less you “understand”. Until you give up the need to understand and the urge to explain. You begin to respect and celebrate diversity. Don’t have to be right (as if there is such a thing as being right). You don’t mind to share. And receive. You give up big dreams such as making an impact – it becomes more than enough to simply be, wake up every day with the sense of being fully alive and take care of your own wellbeing.

Since my last post, I am steadily moving towards a huge change in my life. A huge step that frightens me big time, and at the same time feels so right, that it would be a crime against humanity not going for it. I am choosing life, in all its beauty and unpredictability. The seeds have been planted, the end result (or better said a new beginning) will happen in a couple of months. If this post somehow resonates with you and you might want to move closer to living the life YOU want, I will share further steps  of my change with those of you who would like to get inspired via this Facebook page.

So much for now. Much love and from life,

Biba

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How did my butt get so big??

Dear reader,

funny story, this will make you laugh. Easter holidays and people are having days off, meaning shopping malls to be crowded, heavy traffic and loads of food. Perfect. I managed to break my husbands teapot and a big water jug, but hey, I’ve always been quite clumsy. Promised him to get him a new one and so there we were, today in the morning, putting our rain-boots on and getting ready to conquer the mall.

As I was putting my coat on, I looked at myself in the mirror. I was wearing pants not very flattering for my body shape, and as I looked at myself from behind, I went:

Omg since when’s my butt become so big?

My husband replied with: “No wonder it’s been big, you’re sitting 24/7, that’s what you’ve been doing.”

Now every woman ever will know that he screwed up big time. So there I was, my turn to react (or not). I could think of at least 246 choices. Here are a few:

  • I could have been devastated and could have spent another 2 hours examining my look from behind from every angle and trying to figure out whether he was right.
  • I could have bursted into tears for him being so rude and for telling the truth.
  • I could have felt really really bad, humiliated, ugly and unattractive and might have started thinking about dieting or exercising (but that’s not possible at the moment, because I can’t even walk).
  • I could have fallen into despair.
  • I could have tried to defend myself by shouting at him.
  • Or pretend to be an ostrich and not deal with the whole thing at all.
  • I could have killed my husband for being an idiot.
  • Or send someone to do that for me.

Now, before you send someone round to shoot my husband, please note that he’s never been very good with verbal expressions. Not that I am defending him or anything.

I know so many women to whom an event like that would spoil their entire day or week. And in a millisecond before starting to shout at him, I played several scenarios and how that might impact my day, I decided to do some assessment and pick the most useful response. Not for him, but for me.

  • My husband made a rude remark, which I will ignore and will not let it impact any of my thoughts or actions, except for writing this blog.
  • He is well aware it was rude. I’ll leave it up to him to deal with it. His laundry is none of my business.
  • It’s true that I’m sitting a lot lately. But it’s not because I would chose to do so, it’s because I am currently in too much pain to do any exercise or walk.
  • It’s the time of the month when my body’s doing its best to hold a possible baby. So consequently I might be a bit bloated. My breasts are bigger (and welcomed), so why would my butt not be allowed to be as well?
  • If my butt indeed has become bigger, so what. It is still my butt, I love it, it is serving me very well and I’ll keep loving it.
  • Big butts are very sexy.
  • If it will indeed bother me or will become uncomfortable, I will do something about it. But at the moment I am totally okay with it.
  • I am actually looking forward to having a big butt. In the upcoming months I will be sitting a lot and it is better to sit on a soft cushion than sit on a bony footstool.

See the difference? The trick is you can always, ALWAYS chose how certain events might affect you. Today I was in a good vibration, so I managed to do it elegantly and in only a second. And you got a witty story 🙂

Here’s to our butts,

Biba

Happy National Kissing Day!

Eating disorders are wasting your time

Dear reader,

This is a very personal post and I have never written about this subject so openly.

For some reason, I remembered some of my teen idols. I was so in love with a French dancing figure skating pair, Marina Anissina and Gwendal Peizerat, especially with their performance of “Esmeralda” and “Time to Say Goodbye” in the early 2000’s. Watching them skate again today, brought many memories of my early, young, fragile age, so I decided to go on with my orange-reddish hairstyle 🙂

Another recent idol has been Yulia Lipnitskaya, a young Russian figure skater, who, at the age of only 15 won the gold medal (well deserved!). I was wondering what she might be up to today, 4 years later, and found out that she’s retired from sport, due to severe anorexia.

I couldn’t believe it. It made me so so sad. She is far from lonely case. I dedicated my whole life to classical ballet, up to the age of 21. For years I was suffering from eating disorders. It started as I was getting ready for Ballet Nationals and my teacher made some crude remarks about my weight. At the age of 16, I wanted to do my best to “fit in”, succeed, meet the standards, regardless of how inhumane or devastating they were. I forced my body to do things most people couldn’t even imagine was possible. I pushed it beyond every limit and won the second place, dancing with a torn calf muscle. I could go on not eating for days, or bring every single meal out whenever I wanted. Still, no signs of fatigue or lost strength or physical ability. I had complete control over it. It was my absolute slave.

I made my best friend my slave. And as most things I was up to, I succeeded 100%.

It all got worse at about the same time, when I was almost expelled from school for anonymously publishing an article about certain practices and behaviours at our school. What I’d written was nothing but truth, but the reaction I got from my teacher was awful. I was excluded, humiliated, yelled at so that the entire school could hear and after that I learned to keep quiet, swallow all the injustices and simply pretend everything was fine. Pretend I was okay. Suppress all the emotions, desires, hopes. Just work, work, work. At the age of 16 my wings were broken. Crushed. I thought it was my fault. Everybody was pointing at me, confirming it was my fault. People watching me go down the road of slowly getting more and more exhausted, bystanders not knowing what to do, friends disappearing.

Eating disorders are lethal. They are one of the most damaging addictions. Vicious things, lurking in the back, taking over your life slowly, while you are fooling yourself believing you are in control.

I was so sad to read about Yulia. Such talents, such beautiful souls carried away by this disease. Many professionals are claiming, one cannot escape this circle. That the victim will always stay trapped in the cold hands of anorexia or bulimia. I say they are wrong.

I managed to recover myself. It happened as everyone else gave up. Doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, all sort of professionals. They gave up because they failed to ask me one single question:

What are your best hopes?

All of them were focused on ways how the disease was messing up with my life, or worse, how it’s become my life. None of them bothered to ask me about my other sides, my passions or hopes, probably because they assumed I had none. I believed that too. But it was not true. It was only that my wings were broken, but that doesn’t have to mean that I would not be able to grow new ones. Being kept in an environment where everybody was constantly reminding me that I have “screwed up”, “will not make it again” and “can’t do it myself” has been more damaging than the wounds I cut myself.

So at one point, after years of suffering, I decided that I won’t let my 16-year old down. I’ll never hide again and will never bow, even if and when my mouth will get me in trouble. I’ll never stand people for having the wrong energy, because I learned to be protective of myself and of people around me. People who are affected by eating disorders have several wonderful traits – they take it all on them, which makes them very pleasant company. They are incredibly talented, intelligent and resilient. But they simply don’t know that yet or don’t believe it. Eating disorders are a way of withdrawing, distracting from pain, focusing the punishment onto yourself, even when someone else is guilty. But in the cold light of dawn, eating disorders are a waste of your time. And a terrible waste of your potential.

Again, I was so sad to read the news about Yulia. And I know many girls like her, even some boys. I used to be one. And I can also show you that you, YOU ALONE, can manage to spread your wings again, fly, or grow whatever you need in order to lead the life you want. Yes, you can, without medication, painful questions and all sort of experts, who will pretend they care and will pretend they know better than you. No-one knows better than you.

Connect with me, if this sounds appealing and you might benefit from my experience. I was extremely lucky, that a couple of years after recovering, I accidentally bumped into Solution Focused Brief Therapy, which was exactly how I managed to restore my best version. The version that will never shut up and will never ever bend again. So naturally, I became a SFBT therapist and am now trying to make a difference with the approach and care, I needed, but was simply not there. With all my love and all my passion, both of which at some point I thought will never be on the menu of my feelings again. So I got lucky, but not because faith had it, but because I looked out for it.

With so much love to all the Yulias,

Biba

 

2017: Letting Go …

Dear reader,

end of the year fast approaching. It seems I just got used to writing 2017 and only a couple of weeks and I’ll have to start all over again, learning how to write 2018.

For the first time in my life I am facing and noticing the process of impermanence. For some reason, in the past several months I have been in a position where everything seemed to be falling apart for me, especially my health. Not that I would do anything specific or disastrous, but my body has failed me totally and I haven’t reached the edge where I would see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.

My relationships are changing too. People are leaving my life, even people I wanted to stay close. I myself have dismissed quite many people, sometimes simply because I cannot manage it all, sometimes because I am too stupid to pay attention to what I say.

I am quite successful in my line of work, but even here I am noticing that I am becoming slower, am quickly tired and cannot tolerate mistakes the same way I used to only a year ago. Well, to be honest, right now I am in complete agony and boredom finishing my PhD, which is a hell of a work (am slowly beginning to understand why so few people actually have PhD’s).

The bottom line, it seems I might have every reason to feel sad, lonely and abandoned. However I am not. I learned that my body, my life, my presence, my relationships, etc. … is all very temporary. It shall all pass. One day I won’t open my eyes anymore. If I fight it or not. I am too small to influence things. But I can learn to let go.

I think life is sending me a lesson to learn how to let go.

I have realised my time here is limited. Perhaps very limited. My body will probably continue to bring me lots of pain and today I know I will never be able to wear high heels again. Or run. People in my life will continue to leave me. My mom will die (my dad is already dead). My husband might die before me. My closest person is too far away from me to share my life. When it comes to it, I guess everyone is on their own. We all have to go through this path alone. Sometimes in some nice company, but most of the time, you are likely to be alone. Which is not the same as lonely.

As I was observing those thoughts and have eventually managed to embrace it, I realised that my attention’s been focused on wrong things. I was focused on finding joy, following passion, being successful. I was seeking recognition, acknowledgement. I wanted to make a difference, perhaps a big difference that many people would benefit from. Now I am realising that the most I can do, is let go. The most I can do is try to live a life with integrity, honesty and with no expectations. Live the life as it is. If it means that in a couple of months I will not be able to walk anymore, I will have to let go of the idea to walk and accept my new reality, being grateful for the things I still can do, knowing that I might lose it as well.

Thoughts of impermanence make you think about your footprint in this world. What kind of a footprint would you like to leave once you are gone? I certainly do not want to be one of the people who help make this planet more polluted as it already is. I do not want any animal to suffer for my comfort (btw I am selling all of my Ugg boots – let me know if you want it). I do not want to be obsessed with material things. Or relationships. Right now, I am not quite sure what I do want and am at the moment in a position where I do not wish for much. But I do wish that those who will remember me once I am gone, will think of me as of a kind person. Which is currently not really my public image, I should think 🙂

So I am thankful to you, for letting me share my thoughts with you. I really appreciate all of your reads, even though I rarely hear back who you are. Thank you for being and pretty cool that our paths have crossed. It certainly isn’t a coincidence.

What do you want to be remembered for?

Biba

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Where to next? I am confused.

 

All I Want For Christmas …

Dear reader,

greetings from a snowy, cold and dark London. I haven’t been here since August and it is truly good to be back. I remember leaving it quite confused, with vague feelings and no plans, yet life never happens according to your plans so one might be surprised by how vague and gloomy predictions might turn into a quite bright and jolly future.

Anyways, every time I go to London and if I have time, I must visit some of my favourite places. And some of my favourite shops. Which include Victoria’s Secret. I really like nice lingerie and having a good bra is one of the things which are quite important to me. Not that I would have any preferred brand, but the truth to be told, I quite like VS ever since I first visited it years go in the US.

This time was no different, I had to sneak in the store and act as a completely spoiled western consumer (which feels quite good sometimes, no?). And then on my way home on the red bus, I had this small tiny moment of bliss.

I don’t need any of the VS’s fancy bras. In fact I don’t need anything.

All of my lovely, carefully designed shopping plans all of a sudden meant nothing. All of a sudden I was completely happy in my old, half torn jeans. All of my girly wishes vanished. And what remained was pure gratitude. Gratitude that I am alive. That I am safe. Warm. Relatively free to choose what I want to do. That I have a place to go. A thing to do. People to care for and care about. And that was pretty much it.

I realised I don’t need anything. I’ve already got much more than I need.

So this year I wish I had no wishes. Because it’s so f****** good 🙂 (sorry about the language!)

What do you want for Christmas?

Biba

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You really need very little. You might want a lot though. 

It took me 33 years to figure out what I already knew when I was 5 …

Dear reader,

a happy day – my bday today. And I just came back from New Zealand. I went there for the purpose of introducing our Coaching for Change initiative, thinking I might have something to offer and might inspire some people in NZ to dare try out new things and follow new paths.

I couldn’t have travelled any further, New Zealand is literally on the opposite site of Earth compared to where I live. It took me about 19,000 km one way to remember what I already know. And to meet someone I have long forgotten. At the moment, I am back in London and though I love this city and its people, something has changed. It took me so long (distance and time wise) to realise

I don’t belong here. I am unable and unwilling to follow this world’s rules.

So I have a successful and promising international career. A fabulous life, partner, friends, job, lifestyle. I consider myself a happy person generally. I like what I do, like the relationships I have, the habits we all follow more or less and rituals which make us a Western society.

And yet, it is a fake life. At least some of the time.

In New Zealand, somewhere down the South island, as we were hiking one national park, I met two lama-like animals behind a fence. Being an animal lover, I couldn’t resist not to talk to them and wanting to pet at least one. They seemed amused and interested, though a bit shy. And eventually, one of them decided to come closer. What happened next, turned my world upside down.

I stepped back.

I’ve done so because I remembered these animals are very likely to spit in your face, which can be painful, not to mention the disgust and embarrassment. So I removed myself to a distance where the lovely thing could not reach me. So this animal just stood there and observed me, a bit sad that I wouldn’t come closer and changed my mind.

As I turned my back and moved on, my soul was crying: “What has happened to me that made me such a careful, risk-free and distant person? When did I lose my passion and courage to do what I felt like doing, regardless of a possible risk? How did I become someone who “plays it safe”? Is this the new, adult me?” And most of all: “Does it feel right and do I like the person I’ve become?”

I had some serious thinking to do. As we were driving, I kept quiet for hours, trying to figure out what just happened and what to do with it. And all I saw, was a little girl standing next to this animal, petting it, smiling and having a good time. She then turned around and towards me. Her smile disappeared and she looked down, disappointed, guilty and sad.

It was a young, earlier version of myself. And she was disappointed with my current, adult version.

This is not who I want to be. I met someone I long knew and she was still there. Hidden, forgotten, but definitely still there. So I am back to London now. And this time I find it boring. Watching people carrying a Starbucks coffee in one hand, a shopping bag in another, looking at their phones and wearing headphones, being constantly in touch with everyone, updating them about what they are doing and what a fantastic life they are having, not noticing or daring to smile to a stranger passing by. I watched women window shopping, craving for items they cannot afford. Reading magazines to learn to fit in and be attractive, interesting, energised, funny, smart, effective, seductive, etc. I saw women buying the latest Gucci bag in an excellent outfit, with spotless makeup, thin figure, high heels and luxury car, who were nothing but bored, so they kept themselves busy buying another bag or pair of shoes, this time from another luxury designer. I observed men in smart casual shirts, secretly smoking behind a corner, working for a top employer in consultancy industry, making their customers “happy” by selling them things or services they do not believe in. And I heard a conversation on the phone about how much someone is craving for the upcoming holidays, where they would travel far away and go nuts, enjoying cocktails on the beach, getting high at music festivals and basically do everything to escape their everyday. Even if it’s just for two weeks. And I saw a family in a car with kids in the back seats, each absorbed in their iPads, not talking, not looking through the window, not existing. And as they came out, they went into a McDonalds instead to a playground.

Usually, I observe people because I am curious. Or I see something they are wearing/doing and I want to be like them. But now, all I wanted was to take my shoes off and return to the jungle. The city and its speed makes me want things I do not need, buy clothes I do not fit in, put makeup on that turns me to a woman media wants me to be in order to impress people I don’t even like.

So today I’m smiling. I don’t need any of this. Actually, I don’t want any of this. When I see an animal I’d want to talk to it and pet it. If I want to eat a cake, I will do it. Have a second piece if it’s good. I want to sing in a shower, even though I am a terrible singer. I’d want to laugh out loud if someone tells a good joke, even if I might embarrass some of the people around. I want to ride a bike decorated in flowers and I want to have a picnic in the park where it says “don’t walk on a meadow”. I won’t buy beauty products, because I don’t care if I wake up looking horrible. I won’t wear high heels because it will make my legs look thinner. If I will wear it it will be because I would feel like wearing it. However it’s much more likely I will wear Doc Martens boots instead. I don’t want to go to parties in order to lose myself and relax from busy lifestyle. I want to wake up every day and know that I am alive and I will do things I want to do for the purpose of me wanting it, not anyone else.

Dearest New Zealand, thank you so much for this precious gift. I came to see you because I wanted to give you something, Instead, I left with enormous strength, power and will to dream, love and care in a totally different way. You reminded me what a real world looks like and which things are truly important. I will be seeing you again. I promise.

Biba

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What you really need to make you feel alive can be much simpler than you imagine … and closer.

Everybody has problems. That is so not true

Dear reader,

I’m sure you disagree with the above title of today’s blog post. Sure there is not a single person on this planet, who would be completely without any problems. There is pain, hatred, misery, injustice, fraud, violence everywhere. It is impossible to not call that problems, sometimes even world’s problems. Trump and the like if you will.

I disagree to call these problems. Ahhhh. Let me explain (and no, I’m not a Trump fan).

Everybody experiences tough life situations. In fact, some of the most brilliant people have had it pretty tough. Yeah, shit happens to everyone. And some people make problems out of it. Others don’t. There is a profound difference between life situations and problematic situations. For example, I crash in a car accident and end up in a wheelchair. This a serious and difficult life situation. Now, there are (at least) two options:

  • I can cling onto this misery and expand it so that it will seriously damage and affect my relationships, my wellbeing, my job, even my explanatory style and cognition.
  • I can deal with it simply for what it is: shit that happened and cannot be undone or reversed. In this case with profound and lasting consequences. Yet this doesn’t have to mean that I’m having a problem and that my whole life will have to suffer because of it. My relationships might still be something worth living for. I might adjust to my job or change it if it can’t be adjusted. And about my wellbeing, there is no external factor that could influence it. It is my decision on which only I decide how to go about it.

Want to hear a secret? The choice which way to go, lies entirely within your hands. John Weakland, Steve de Shazer’s predecessor with whom the roots of the Solution Focused Approach first began, was such a wise man, for he said the following:

“Life is one thing after another, problems are the same damn thing over and over again”

When something unexpected and unpleasant happens, it becomes a problem if you handle it in a way that doesn’t work, namely by repeating or applying some of the strategies leading you nowhere, such as mourning, hiding, performing bad habits, blaming others or yourself, fighting, attacking, or else. You name it, you know exactly what you are doing that doesn’t work. Yet do you know what does work? Not in theory but in practice?

If your answer is no, here’s some good news: you can learn. People are not born with this, people develop these skills to reckon what is useful in a certain situation and what is not. There are myriads of resources available on the web and dozens of trainings where you can learn how to do it and discover it in a way that is right for you. I’m not saying it will be easy – it took me about 3 years and I’m still not where I feel I ought to be, but my life has dramatically changed ever since. And it hasn’t changed because the circumstances have changed. It has changed because I chose to take it into my own hands.

You’ve got all the power you need to be a person without problems. No matter what shitty situations life brings you.

Biba

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Picture borrowed. Can’t remember where from.

When You Lose Someone Dear

Dear reader,

my dog died. I just found out over the phone.

Those of you who own (or have owned) a pet know, how painful this is. It’s like losing a family member. Pets are the best listeners, best friends and most loyal companions. They never judge, they always forgive and they never expect anything in return. They are these small creatures with big hearts.

I wasn’t around much in the last few years, my dog stayed with my mom, because I travel so much or have moved a lot in the past, so I couldn’t keep her. But she’s been an important part of my life and she gave me so much. I miss her and I’m in pain but also angry, because I wasn’t there when she needed me.

This is the fifth dog I’ve lost. And each time I feel the same amount of grief and sorrow. And though it hurts a lot, I know I’ll own a dog again. Because it’s just one of the best life companions. By inviting an animal to join you in life, already then you commit to losing her. You know it will be painful and yet you do it anyway. Because you know how much joy this animal will bring into your life and you know that this pet will have a great life while staying with you. So you consciously unfold and expose your heart to a great chance of being hurt, but what you get in return somehow outweighs all the negative aspects and risks.

I’m happy we still dare to take our chances to get hurt. It makes us alive, not only living.

R.I.P. Buba. I love you still, though you’re physically not here anymore. As long as I’m alive, so is your memory. Thank you for being an important part of me, you small dog with a big heart.

Bubci

Buba