Tag Archives: relationships

How to recognise love?

Dear reader,

we often hear that rhetoric question “what is life without love”? And that notion of love being the ultimate driving force that keeps everything moving and sorts things out. You will also come across poetic writings in literature about love being a verb, which is very interesting, for language does determine how we think about things and life. In today’s blog I’ll explore the concept of romantic love between two partners. Other types of love we might do some other time.

Everybody talks about love and yet we don’t often know what it truly is and have difficulty describing it. We do slightly better by feeling (or not feeling) it. In the sense of when you love someone, you put up with things you never would with another person, you will go 29386 extra miles for them and they may be giving you million reasons to leave, but you are deciding to stay for only one reason, over and over again – because you love them. When your phone pings and you see their message your heart jumps. When you see your loved person, your body reacts to them. When you hear their voice, your own melts. When they don’t give you affection, you feel hurt like hell. And when you catch their eye, if it’s mutual, you both know how the other one is, you have common language, you feel each other and you work things out. Without wanting to change the other person. Am I being overly romantic? Today I had a chat with someone, who said my standards were too high, I should have been more realistic and such love doesn’t exist in real life. I said I won’t apologise for making them uncomfortable because their standards were lower than mine. And I didn’t.

Romantic relationship scene in London is quite unique, I must say. I hear it from my clients and I see it with my friends as well as myself. In such a multicultural city, where people do their lives differently as well as process and express their emotions in different ways, it’s not easy to find true love. Many times the word might be used prematurely and too easily, saying “I love you” way too casually, like misusing the word “happiness”. Both then get a bad name, people get bitter and disappointed and, well, unloved, blaming love for it. But love’s nothing to do with it, or does it?

So how do you recognise if you really love someone when you are not sure? And how do you know they really love you back? If love is a verb, it means it’s something we do. If love is a noun, it’s something we have. If it’s an adjective, it’s something we are. Whichever resonates with you better, take it. In life they probably go hand in hand, interchangeably. Let’s first explore how you know if you truly love someone. Do you love them because of something the other person has or does? Would your love stop if they did something to upset you? Does your love change based on what the other person does or does not do?

Now let’s go for the other side, how do you know you are loved – do you feel like you can wave your fist in front of the other person over and over and they will still be there with you? What would happen if the two of you terminated the relationship – would the other person still care for you? Or would they punish you? Manipulate you?

If you are not sure, try breaking up and see what happens. I don’t want to suggest this as something you should do (how would I know anyway), rather I’m offering this as food for thought. Would you be happy for the other person if you saw them being happy with someone else? Would they be happy for you? Would you wish the best or the worst for them? Would they pick up the phone if you rang them?

If you find yourself still having gentle, loving feelings towards the other person even when they are not with you, then you probably love them. If you are happy to be seeing them happy, even when this picture does not include you, you probably love them. If your affection for them is constant (which does not mean you wouldn’t get upset or cross with them), you probably love them. And if you are wanting to have them back in your life, but not forcing them to, you also probably love them.

Similar could go from the other perspective, so let’s build further from here. If you no longer had a relationship, what would the other person do – would they erase you from their life? Would they be insulted? Would they be playing games with you by using your friends in order to get to you? Would they disappear? Take revenge? Do you harm? I’m sure you could find your explanations on what those behaviours are so I won’t offer mine here, but one thing is certain – it’s not love.

In the end, love is going to kill us all. Or save us all? Have you ever been truly loved? Or truly loved someone? Have you experienced both? At the same time? Is this something that is common or rare? Let’s see what you think. Hope this is useful.

Biba

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Love is like an engine that drives things forward.

10 ideas about unlocking people’s potential

Dear reader,

everyday we have a chance to discover and define ourselves brand new – who we are and who we want to be. I like the saying that goes we are an average of 5 people we spend most time with (so choose wisely!)

Recently, I took on a new challenge. I’ll be working as a coach with a feminist organisation in London, supporting young women in reaching economic justice, independence and fulfilling their potential. Working with young people 1-2-1 or as group work has always been at my heart and seeing young people unlocking their potential is  one of the most exciting parts of professional life. But what is our role in helping them unlock it? Is our call to make a difference? Help people?

I’m not sure I believe in the concept of “helping” people. Such a statement somehow resonates in taking away the credits they deserve in the process and in helping professions we often paradoxically divert the verb “helping” away from its core by calling ourselves helpers, leaders, difference makers, uplifters, etc.

We are not gods in a sense to have something that others don’t, be it superpowers, super tools, a vision or other “supreme” qualities. Therefore, we must be very careful what verb we choose to describe what we do with people and in this world. Otherwise we might end up “getting people to do something”. And we shouldn’t. Not our place to get, move or make people do anything as if without us they would not be able to do it. There is an equal amount of divine energy in all of us when we let it show itself, so how can we allow that to happen and be in this world that might benefit others while they are unlocking their own potential? Here are a few ideas that emerged when thinking about my presence and doing my job better. I would like things working out for you so that you leave with:

  1. Having confidence about you that is going to guide and support you, as you are figuring out where you want and can go in your life.
  2. Having more clarity and energy as well as feeling like riding on a cloud rather than mere coping.
  3. Having a full sense of who you are by embracing this world in all its fullness that it is and learning to appreciate all of the components of it that have led to where you are now.
  4. Being a person that anyone who comes in contact with you will benefit as a result of being near you.
  5. Not feeling bad when the above doesn’t happen.
  6. Being kind, acceptant and friendly of yourself and anyone around you even when they do their lives differently. We are not perfect, we are never going to get our shit done and as such, we can’t get it wrong for life is happening for us, not to us, differently for everybody.
  7. Having way more fun on the way.
  8. Sleeping good and eating well however that looks for you.
  9. Tuning into the frequency of who you really are and spreading the joy of it.
  10. Wanting others to have that too.

These 10 ideas have been immensely helpful in thinking how I want to do my job as well as how I want to be in this world as a professional. Without having to step on a stage and shout how cool these ideas are. They may sound completely rubbish. Or totally useful. Both ways can lead to you discovering your own.

Guitar time now.

Biba

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I feel most myself when waking up with the sense of having a potential that inspires people to feel good about themselves. What about you?

Letter to lovers who let you down

Dear reader,

wanting to improve and/or move forward in relationships seems to be a very common topic in therapy, counselling and coaching. Relationships consist a very big part of our lives, our identities, our sense of belonging, they help shape our purpose of living, are reasons to get up in the morning, in short, they make our lives juicy and full.

Sometimes they also bring pain, disappointment, betrayal. They can be manipulative, abusive even, and that goes to all relationships – personal, professional, romantic, etc. They usually start beautifully, but then as you get to know each other better or as life happens in ways that make it harder for you to stay together, it becomes hard work and too much pain . Should you stay or should you go? Should you try harder with your partner or should you look for someone better for you? If you decide to fix the relationship, who should be the one to change first? How much of a compromise is still worth it?

Sounds familiar? Yeah, I’ve been there too. Many times. And as much as I’d love to give you an answer about how to move forward, I cannot, because everybody’s different. But that’s good news, because you already have the capacity to find the answers that will work for you (and your partner if you are in this together). Either you’ll find them on your own, or together with a professional, but don’t worry, you will.

I can however share with you a letter I wrote to my most significant relationships, which have hurt me.

Dear you,

you have left footprints in my life that will never fade. I am thankful for all of our good and bad moments together and the contrast they produced. I now know better what I don’t want and that makes it a good starting point to think about what is it that I do want. If we could go back, I would have repeated it all over again, second by second, because I know it was essential for the growth of both of us.

It may seem that you were all I ever wanted and it had been your fault things did not work out for us, because you couldn’t find enough time for me and couldn’t keep your promises. If you had, our relationship would have thrived. But I know now that this was false. It was not your fault, it was mine. You should never have been a condition for my ability to love and I now know better, not to give my heart to anyone with notice they may break it. I wished you and me were back in alignment, so much. And I would have done anything to fix this. Now I know what truly matters is me and me in alignment. You still may be my subject of attention, but the condition of my love will not be yours. It is not your job to love me. It is mine. It is not your responsibility to make me happy. It is mine.

The love that I was seeking was not where I was looking. So here I go, moving through life, with or without you. I will work on it and do my best to allow the things life has to offer to come my way, but for me, not for you. And I promise to myself not to let me down again. Relationship with me is the only relationship that will last me a lifetime, so the best place for my heart is to stay mine and not be anyone else’s. I want to invest it all into it. And when sometime in the future I do, life will flow through me, I will be my best version and I can promise you, that I will love again, differently, regardless who is around and even if there is no-one. You can be a part of this. But I don’t mind if you don’t. I got this.

Take care.

So here it goes, to all of you either loving or looking for love. Everyone deserves to be given a wild love from a gentle soul, like yours. Love doesn’t have to stop if your loved one stops loving you. Not sure my love letter is of any use, but who knows – sharing is after all, caring.

Biba

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We got this.

Do Men Really Love Bitches?

Dear reader,

I am no relationship expert. In fact I’ve no idea about why or how relationships work or don’t. I just have them. But recently I’ve noticed a very interesting outlook, trending among women, young and mature. It is a belief that men don’t love nice girls, they love bitchy girls. The underlying message is that women should put themselves first and never look needy to a man.

I am seeing clients, lots of young women, sometimes couples. And I noticed that this new trend is somehow misunderstood and misinterpreted hugely. It conveyed many young women to literally become iron bitches, not caring about anyone and anything but satisfying their own needs.

This is not what it’s about.

There was a video circulating on FB about a mother with her son, playing in a playground. Other kids were teasing him and have been really rude towards him, because he was black. Sadly as it was, none of their parents reacted. And no, that didn’t happen in America, it happened in Spain. I went to a mall today. As I was just resting a bit, because I can’t walk for a very long time, both of my crutches fell on the floor. People were passing by and not even one stopped and offered any help.

While I do believe that people should not be overly helpful, I do not think that this is the kind of society I’d want to live in.

So back to the topic. No, men (or any human being really) in fact do not like bitches. Actually nobody likes self-centred careless bitches (and even they themselves probably don’t). Just remember what difference one single kind word can make. Or a genuine smile. A small gesture of kindness. Some care, not expecting anything in return, just because you are a lovely person. It will not cost you your throne, on the contrary – you’ll become a queen of people’s hearts without trying or wanting to.

So please, my dear women, girls, don’t swap your kind caring nature for cold, masculine steel. But yes, do like yourself, do take care of what you need and yes, do enjoy your femininity. Do put many efforts in trying to feel good in your body and spirit, and also do contribute with whatever you are and have got, to make this world a nicer place. Give, don’t close down. No one has ever become poor by giving.

Lots of love,

Biba

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You do not have to be a bitch for men to love you …

Do Not Help Others

Dear reader,

It is one of the most rewarding gestures and sensations when you can help another living being in need of help. More often than not, I meet people who share with me that they would like to contribute, to make a positive difference and help others. It has also been scientifically proven that getting presents for others gives you a much more rewarding feeling, than getting yourself one.

So all in all, helping each other is nice. It is also socially encouraged. Noble. Virtuous.

But in the long run, it has one downside. It is simply wrong.

Helping others makes the other one recipient. Sometimes even a helpless subject. Hence the power isn’t equal. This has been one of the main concerns of ethics of care. The care-giver and care-receiver relationship should be equal if you truly TRULY want to make a difference. They both should aim for caring for and caring about each other. Otherwise helping others has one huge disadvantage. It diminishes the brilliance and potential of the one receiving help.

I am not saying helping is wrong. It is still much better than not caring. But before helping you should make sure, that your help is wanted and the way how you want to help is indeed being helpful to the other. If you cannot confirm this, you are on the slippery road. Empathy is very wrong. It leaves you unbalanced, because people’s stories touch you too deeply if you are a sensitive soul. Compassion is much much better. And to be compassionate, you don’t have to help, but simply to be there for the other human or animal being. It is enough.

People have the potential to help themselves. If you are getting in the way by doing that for them, you are stealing their brilliance. With the purest and most honest intentions, yet you are still doing it.

If on the other hand you can inspire others so they can help themselves, you have done enough and most you can do.

So think about it. Instead of looking after others and looking for ways how you can be helpful, turn inwards and do your best to help yourself. To take care of yourself, so that you can be your best version. It will create a vibration around you that people will find attractive, fascinating, and will because of it get inspired. And from there, they will take it their own ways, in the directions you would never have imagined. But this is none of your business. The one and only thing that is your business is taking care of your own wellbeing. And then the rest is a piece of cake. Abundance. Creating more abundance. I know that I do the best job as a therapist if I make sure, I am being my best version. What the client does after the session and whether it has been helpful for them, is entirely in their hands and none of my business. Also none of my interest.

So get out of people’s way and mind your own business. You might be surprised by its effect.

With love and no intention to be helpful at all,

Biba

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2017: Letting Go …

Dear reader,

end of the year fast approaching. It seems I just got used to writing 2017 and only a couple of weeks and I’ll have to start all over again, learning how to write 2018.

For the first time in my life I am facing and noticing the process of impermanence. For some reason, in the past several months I have been in a position where everything seemed to be falling apart for me, especially my health. Not that I would do anything specific or disastrous, but my body has failed me totally and I haven’t reached the edge where I would see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.

My relationships are changing too. People are leaving my life, even people I wanted to stay close. I myself have dismissed quite many people, sometimes simply because I cannot manage it all, sometimes because I am too stupid to pay attention to what I say.

I am quite successful in my line of work, but even here I am noticing that I am becoming slower, am quickly tired and cannot tolerate mistakes the same way I used to only a year ago. Well, to be honest, right now I am in complete agony and boredom finishing my PhD, which is a hell of a work (am slowly beginning to understand why so few people actually have PhD’s).

The bottom line, it seems I might have every reason to feel sad, lonely and abandoned. However I am not. I learned that my body, my life, my presence, my relationships, etc. … is all very temporary. It shall all pass. One day I won’t open my eyes anymore. If I fight it or not. I am too small to influence things. But I can learn to let go.

I think life is sending me a lesson to learn how to let go.

I have realised my time here is limited. Perhaps very limited. My body will probably continue to bring me lots of pain and today I know I will never be able to wear high heels again. Or run. People in my life will continue to leave me. My mom will die (my dad is already dead). My husband might die before me. My closest person is too far away from me to share my life. When it comes to it, I guess everyone is on their own. We all have to go through this path alone. Sometimes in some nice company, but most of the time, you are likely to be alone. Which is not the same as lonely.

As I was observing those thoughts and have eventually managed to embrace it, I realised that my attention’s been focused on wrong things. I was focused on finding joy, following passion, being successful. I was seeking recognition, acknowledgement. I wanted to make a difference, perhaps a big difference that many people would benefit from. Now I am realising that the most I can do, is let go. The most I can do is try to live a life with integrity, honesty and with no expectations. Live the life as it is. If it means that in a couple of months I will not be able to walk anymore, I will have to let go of the idea to walk and accept my new reality, being grateful for the things I still can do, knowing that I might lose it as well.

Thoughts of impermanence make you think about your footprint in this world. What kind of a footprint would you like to leave once you are gone? I certainly do not want to be one of the people who help make this planet more polluted as it already is. I do not want any animal to suffer for my comfort (btw I am selling all of my Ugg boots – let me know if you want it). I do not want to be obsessed with material things. Or relationships. Right now, I am not quite sure what I do want and am at the moment in a position where I do not wish for much. But I do wish that those who will remember me once I am gone, will think of me as of a kind person. Which is currently not really my public image, I should think 🙂

So I am thankful to you, for letting me share my thoughts with you. I really appreciate all of your reads, even though I rarely hear back who you are. Thank you for being and pretty cool that our paths have crossed. It certainly isn’t a coincidence.

What do you want to be remembered for?

Biba

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Where to next? I am confused.

 

How to simplify your relationships

Dear reader,

most of our problems and challenges arise from interpersonal relations – whether be it with your spouse, your boss, your colleagues, friends, neighbours, politicians, and so forth. It is actually an art to keep strong and healthy relationships, and that includes the relationship you have with yourself. That’s one thing we were not taught at school, examples from our primary families vary (most families are disrupted one way or another) so how could we possibly learn how to cope, survive, let alone enjoy the relationships we have. It is just too complicated, to complex and it changes all the time.

The answer is simple. Simplify it. It’s not that difficult to do and it brings instant visible changes. It’s called:

It’s none of your business.

  • It’s none of your business what others think of you. It’s theirs and it tells a lot more about them than it does about you.
  • It’s none of your business if others hold different beliefs. It’s their right, as it is yours to have your own. It’s ok to differ. Do not try to convince people you are right. It’s none of your business. It actually adds to richness in our society. That’s where music and art came from – diversity.
  • If people are angry, negative, sad, possessive, it’s none of your business etiher. You don’t have to be sad too in order to comfort someone. In fact this may result in both of you falling into melancholy and what good does that bring? Same goes for negativity. It’s their feeling, you don’t have to make it your own.
  • It’s none of your business when people try to engage you into for example gossip, or try to convince you into something. You can tell them that it does not involve you and you are welcome to withdraw if it doesn’t make you feel good. You don’t need anyone’s permission to say no. In fact, people might show you greater respect, when you turn them down.

You are responsible for your own wellbeing. Not others. It’s none of their business. However when you try to persevere in staying out of other people’s lives and carefully nourish your own energy, this will most likely result in more fulfilling, close relationships.

It’s just amazing how the world instantly changes, once you take a different perspective.

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Here’s our action of Guerilla Solution Focused messages. It says: “Does it annoy you being annoyed?”