Tag Archives: solution talk

Do Men Really Love Bitches?

Dear reader,

I am no relationship expert. In fact I’ve no idea about why or how relationships work or don’t. I just have them. But recently I’ve noticed a very interesting outlook, trending among women, young and mature. It is a belief that men don’t love nice girls, they love bitchy girls. The underlying message is that women should put themselves first and never look needy to a man.

I am seeing clients, lots of young women, sometimes couples. And I noticed that this new trend is somehow misunderstood and misinterpreted hugely. It conveyed many young women to literally become iron bitches, not caring about anyone and anything but satisfying their own needs.

This is not what it’s about.

There was a video circulating on FB about a mother with her son, playing in a playground. Other kids were teasing him and have been really rude towards him, because he was black. Sadly as it was, none of their parents reacted. And no, that didn’t happen in America, it happened in Spain. I went to a mall today. As I was just resting a bit, because I can’t walk for a very long time, both of my crutches fell on the floor. People were passing by and not even one stopped and offered any help.

While I do believe that people should not be overly helpful, I do not think that this is the kind of society I’d want to live in.

So back to the topic. No, men (or any human being really) in fact do not like bitches. Actually nobody likes self-centred careless bitches (and even they themselves probably don’t). Just remember what difference one single kind word can make. Or a genuine smile. A small gesture of kindness. Some care, not expecting anything in return, just because you are a lovely person. It will not cost you your throne, on the contrary – you’ll become a queen of people’s hearts without trying or wanting to.

So please, my dear women, girls, don’t swap your kind caring nature for cold, masculine steel. But yes, do like yourself, do take care of what you need and yes, do enjoy your femininity. Do put many efforts in trying to feel good in your body and spirit, and also do contribute with whatever you are and have got, to make this world a nicer place. Give, don’t close down. No one has ever become poor by giving.

Lots of love,

Biba

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You do not have to be a bitch for men to love you …

Do Not Help Others

Dear reader,

It is one of the most rewarding gestures and sensations when you can help another living being in need of help. More often than not, I meet people who share with me that they would like to contribute, to make a positive difference and help others. It has also been scientifically proven that getting presents for others gives you a much more rewarding feeling, than getting yourself one.

So all in all, helping each other is nice. It is also socially encouraged. Noble. Virtuous.

But in the long run, it has one downside. It is simply wrong.

Helping others makes the other one recipient. Sometimes even a helpless subject. Hence the power isn’t equal. This has been one of the main concerns of ethics of care. The care-giver and care-receiver relationship should be equal if you truly TRULY want to make a difference. They both should aim for caring for and caring about each other. Otherwise helping others has one huge disadvantage. It diminishes the brilliance and potential of the one receiving help.

I am not saying helping is wrong. It is still much better than not caring. But before helping you should make sure, that your help is wanted and the way how you want to help is indeed being helpful to the other. If you cannot confirm this, you are on the slippery road. Empathy is very wrong. It leaves you unbalanced, because people’s stories touch you too deeply if you are a sensitive soul. Compassion is much much better. And to be compassionate, you don’t have to help, but simply to be there for the other human or animal being. It is enough.

People have the potential to help themselves. If you are getting in the way by doing that for them, you are stealing their brilliance. With the purest and most honest intentions, yet you are still doing it.

If on the other hand you can inspire others so they can help themselves, you have done enough and most you can do.

So think about it. Instead of looking after others and looking for ways how you can be helpful, turn inwards and do your best to help yourself. To take care of yourself, so that you can be your best version. It will create a vibration around you that people will find attractive, fascinating, and will because of it get inspired. And from there, they will take it their own ways, in the directions you would never have imagined. But this is none of your business. The one and only thing that is your business is taking care of your own wellbeing. And then the rest is a piece of cake. Abundance. Creating more abundance. I know that I do the best job as a therapist if I make sure, I am being my best version. What the client does after the session and whether it has been helpful for them, is entirely in their hands and none of my business. Also none of my interest.

So get out of people’s way and mind your own business. You might be surprised by its effect.

With love and no intention to be helpful at all,

Biba

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How did my butt get so big??

Dear reader,

funny story, this will make you laugh. Easter holidays and people are having days off, meaning shopping malls to be crowded, heavy traffic and loads of food. Perfect. I managed to break my husbands teapot and a big water jug, but hey, I’ve always been quite clumsy. Promised him to get him a new one and so there we were, today in the morning, putting our rain-boots on and getting ready to conquer the mall.

As I was putting my coat on, I looked at myself in the mirror. I was wearing pants not very flattering for my body shape, and as I looked at myself from behind, I went:

Omg since when’s my butt become so big?

My husband replied with: “No wonder it’s been big, you’re sitting 24/7, that’s what you’ve been doing.”

Now every woman ever will know that he screwed up big time. So there I was, my turn to react (or not). I could think of at least 246 choices. Here are a few:

  • I could have been devastated and could have spent another 2 hours examining my look from behind from every angle and trying to figure out whether he was right.
  • I could have bursted into tears for him being so rude and for telling the truth.
  • I could have felt really really bad, humiliated, ugly and unattractive and might have started thinking about dieting or exercising (but that’s not possible at the moment, because I can’t even walk).
  • I could have fallen into despair.
  • I could have tried to defend myself by shouting at him.
  • Or pretend to be an ostrich and not deal with the whole thing at all.
  • I could have killed my husband for being an idiot.
  • Or send someone to do that for me.

Now, before you send someone round to shoot my husband, please note that he’s never been very good with verbal expressions. Not that I am defending him or anything.

I know so many women to whom an event like that would spoil their entire day or week. And in a millisecond before starting to shout at him, I played several scenarios and how that might impact my day, I decided to do some assessment and pick the most useful response. Not for him, but for me.

  • My husband made a rude remark, which I will ignore and will not let it impact any of my thoughts or actions, except for writing this blog.
  • He is well aware it was rude. I’ll leave it up to him to deal with it. His laundry is none of my business.
  • It’s true that I’m sitting a lot lately. But it’s not because I would chose to do so, it’s because I am currently in too much pain to do any exercise or walk.
  • It’s the time of the month when my body’s doing its best to hold a possible baby. So consequently I might be a bit bloated. My breasts are bigger (and welcomed), so why would my butt not be allowed to be as well?
  • If my butt indeed has become bigger, so what. It is still my butt, I love it, it is serving me very well and I’ll keep loving it.
  • Big butts are very sexy.
  • If it will indeed bother me or will become uncomfortable, I will do something about it. But at the moment I am totally okay with it.
  • I am actually looking forward to having a big butt. In the upcoming months I will be sitting a lot and it is better to sit on a soft cushion than sit on a bony footstool.

See the difference? The trick is you can always, ALWAYS chose how certain events might affect you. Today I was in a good vibration, so I managed to do it elegantly and in only a second. And you got a witty story 🙂

Here’s to our butts,

Biba

Happy National Kissing Day!

The Queen

Dear reader,

ever had a period in your life where everything was going pretty smooth? Where it seemed as if your every wish came true in a matter of no time? This is not an illusion. It is hard science of metaphysics for some people and an unexplained spiritual phenomena for others. Both is true.

I recently learned how to get pretty much anything I want. ANYTHING. I went to a seminar with one of the most influential women of our time, Iza Login. At first I was not as interested in the topic as much as I was interested in her, her presence and energy, but later on, what she was sharing with us, made perfect sense. If one is ready of course, you know what they say about when the student is ready? A teacher comes.

She, together with help of Savina Atai, taught us how to use the techniques of manifestation to craft anything you want. I mean literally anything – from material objects to perfect partners or careers. And as you probably also know, no new skill can be mastered without practising. So as soon as we finished, I tried it out. First things first, I manifested the arrival of our pizza delivery guy accurately to the minute. Manifested exactly how I wanted the road and traffic to be as I was driving back home. Manifested a phone call outcome. And so on. But a big test came as my sister got to a hospital, being in labour. Some things were not right. She was stressed and the situation looked pretty hopeless. So I had to prove not that I can do something, but that I believe in the power of manifestation. It was serious.

And it worked.

It worked, with help and support and it turned out the way she asked for. And I now know for certain, that it works. But in order for it to work, one has to be in a state of mind (and body) which enables smooth flow. No blocks. And that is tricky.

I always thought I had problems with feeling unworthy or misunderstood. And now I realised this is not true. My problem was that I felt suffocated. With broken wings. It became so mundane that I’d forgotten about having wings at all. Time passing fast, bruises becoming scars and so on. You probably have similar experience, we all do.

Now I’ve become a queen of my life. The Queen. There was such unleashed potential unnoticed, unused and suppressed. I rediscovered breathing. And realised my wings are stronger than ever. So I’ve got some good things coming up … 🙂 And I can teach you how to do it yourself – get anything you want in your life. It goes so well together with what I was already doing in my line of work, but it’s become much stronger now. The more of us, the merrier. You don’t have to believe me. As long as somebody else does and life proves it 🙂

Biba, with love and from life

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Oh, and did I mention that I met some awesome people?

Happy 2017: The Best Training You’ll Ever Attend

Dear reader,

2017 is going to be a delighted year, I can feel it in my bones!

It is such a pleasure to be able to announce that there will be ANOTHER Solution Focused Professional Training in Slovenia. I attended my first such training in March 2014 and had to go to England for it, because there were no such trainings in Slovenia. My life has changed upside down since, in ways I even daren’t dream of.

Before Solution Focused Practice entered my life, I was surrounded by toxic people, had bossy coworkers who could do pretty much anything with and to me, had partners who didn’t treat me right and most of all, I was really confused and not sure what I wanted to do with my life. Besides, my health was rather poor, I had some peculiar bad habits, not to mention that I found myself in conflicts more than often.

Now my life has a purpose. Since I started to learn Solution Focused Practice, my life has changed and I’ve become an almost completely different person:

I do what I love – I witness people creating their lives and themselves brand new. I am there with them to co-create rapid and long-lasting positive change they want to see for themselves and their significant others. This is such a privilege.

I travel. A LOT! I travelled round the Globe. Work and leisure is a synonym for me. Currently, I am stretched between the UK and home. I work a lot at the European level with international partners. I have clients from several EU countries and even clients from America and Canada. And this blog has almost 3000 followers. It didn’t happen overnight, but certainly I do perceive it as a miracle.

I am independent. My institute makes enough money to grant me a nice salary every month, so I can be my own boss and leader. I can choose who to work with and select my clients carefully.

My relationships have immensely improved. My marriage is firm and loving, my friends are my jewels and my work partners are the best team in the world.

I have changed personally as well. My way of thinking has changed. I allow myself to have a good life and allow myself to become the best I can possibly be in the fields I want to.

Those are only a few things. You can have it too. You can embrace and amplify the changes you want to see in your life. Solution Focused Practice will help you do just that in ways that you can’t even imagine at the moment.

With Solution Focused Practice you can

  • Learn to ask the right questions at right times, i.e. questions that put hope into your conversations and build rapid and long-lasting change.
  • Forget about burnout at work and toxic relationships. Personal or professional.
  • Become the best person/partner/CEO/coach/therapist/trainer/parent, etc. (whatever your current life role) you can possibly be.
  • Influence others in subtle ways, leaving an impact with no trace and assist them in making their lives and work a better place.
  • Change your career and find your true passion in life.

And many more ways, how Solution Focused Practice touches lives and moves them in a direction that is right for you.

Last year (2016) I was so happy to bring the first professional training to Slovenia, since as far as I know, there was no such training available. There are very few people who are familiar with Solution Focused Practice, and even they are practising the first model from the 1980’s when it had first developed. The model has changed of course, as there are new research findings that underpin different kind of practice.

So I wanted to offer Slovenian public a kind of training that changed my life. A highly pragmatic training in alignment with current trends and practice in the world. And it came true. Last year we got the first generation of Slovenian SF practitioners (about 25 people, with whom we meet every now and then and pursue SF in Slovenia). Because the experience was great and the feedback excellent, we (with my English partners) decided to repeat the training in 2017 as well, yet not in the same way. We made it even better, longer and with more contents. There will be even more exercises and you will see cases with real clients, therefore experience first hand the effectiveness and impact of SF.

You can be a part of this too. You are the second generation! You can be the next Slovenian star in the Solution Focused sky. You can become a part of a community that will support you and will foster your personal and professional development. I will surely appreciate more skilled people in the future, because I have many projects going on, where I would like to see Slovenian people engaged and thriving.

Want to learn Solution Focused Practice and thus invite change into your life in completely new ways? Simply click here and read about the programme, dates and apply through online form.

Not from Slovenia or can’t speak Slovenian? No problem! In the last chapter of our training, we’ll have a special guest coming over to Ljubljana. Chris Iveson, one of the best Solution Focused Therapists in the world, will deliver a two-day workshop in English in May (one day on coaching and another day on therapy). Chris is a co-founder of BRIEF, the largest Solution Focused Training organisation in the world (also the organisation where I was trained). Click for more info for Day 1 (coaching) or Day 2 (therapy).

That’s not even half of what I want to say. I could go on for days. Instead, let me invite you for a free intro workshop on January 6th, where you can hear it first hand and talk to me about your experience, questions and expectations.

Can’t wait to see Slovenia benefit from good practices that have been around in the world for a long time!!!

Biba

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Our first generation. We are delighted to welcome you on board!

 

London Calling! And an Open Call to experience SFBT conversations

Dear reader,

Tomorrow I’m partly moving back to London (UK) for one year. It’s actually huge news, as I’ll be attending a Diploma in Solution Focused Practice, hence becoming a Solution Focused Brief Therapist. I’m burning enthusiasm and energy! But I need your help.

You see, what practitioners say is not the same to what practitioners do. Talking about therapy or coaching is nowhere near to doing either of it. One cannot learn how to facilitate useful conversations from books alone. It takes a lot of practice.

So I’m moving to London for this particular reason. I reached a certain point in my life where I am proud of my work as a trainer and a coach and I trust my clients to have all the resorces necessary to make a change they want to see. So when the student is ready, the teacher will appear, they say. Ribalon’s second season is slowly closing, as is 2016. This year we launched the first Slovenian professional training in Solution Focused Practice and we splendidly coordinated and carried out our first European international project Coaching for Change. Both promising projects give me confidence that there’s a bright future for Ribalon and for Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) in Slovenia. Like at the very beginning, I still very much believe SFBT is radically different to any other approach to coaching and therapy. And I want people to experience it, make use of it and learn how to benefit from it. So it’s only natural to return back to practice and sharpen my skills so I carry out my mission the best I can, to do SFBT justice.

I will be surrounded by many people in London, who are eager to see me succeed, perform well and who will assist me in my professional development. Meaning, they will closely monitor my work with clients. And I cannot do any work without my clients. My clients are my best teachers and the only true stakeholders to assess whether our work has been useful. I can’t create opportunities alone. Nor can I make a positive difference to anybody, without clients.

This is a call and an invitation for you, who are following this blog and for those you know, who are looking for opportunity to make a difference in their own, or their significant others lives. I’m inviting you to join this journey as a client and to experience the magic of SFBT yourself and contribute to its spread.

Simply click on the link below (a document with more detailed information) and apply. I would be honoured, if you would forward this Call to anybody whom you wish the best and would like to see them discover or find what they are looking for.

OPEN CALL for participants to be engaged in SFBT conversations

Many thanks and – see you soon!

Biba

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It’s not a goodbye. It’s a new hello!

European Breakthrough: Coaching for Change completed

Dear reader,

It’s a week since we have finished our 10-day intense international training course in Solution Focused Coaching for youth workers working with disadvantaged young people.

Already a week passed and I’m still not catching up with what has just happened.

The training course brought alltogether 31 people from 11 different EU countries. I’ve worked with many groups before and have had many trainings behind me, however this group was something special. It was pure heaven.

The outline of our training was quite daring and demanding – not everyone is able to spend 10 or more days out in the wild, without shops, sleeping in a barn with about 25 other complete strangers, without a drop of alcohol and with an agenda of working whole day long from 7.30AM until 18.30PM. Further, we designed the training programme in a way that our participants first experience Solution Focused in action, before actually giving it a name and explanation. This has caused some frustration and confusion at first, as the group was shaken and irritated. But we did not want to provide the answers up front. We wanted them to discover it themselves. However we could not anticipate the story would unfold like this.

We were lucky. The group managed splendidly. They learned. Fast, incredibly fast. The level of energy did not drop throughout the whole training. They wanted more and they self organized in order to get more from us. It was a huge privilege to work with such a group and to see it’s caterpillars turning into butterflies, one by one.

At the end of the course I was extremely proud. Proud to have created an atmosphere for such intense learning. Proud to have been able to witness the group and individual’s progress. And grateful for this opportunity to bring Solution Focused training to the target group that would otherwise never experience it.

I think this training course is an important milestone. I learned so much. About the group’s dynamics, about Solution Focused Approach, about myself as a trainer and myself as a coordinator. The project isn’t over yet, just it’s main activity has ended. We have much more work to do to track and monitor progress and to prepare a short video about it. Since it’s start back in December 2015, the project has changed a lot. Also the crew has changed. We kicked off with seven facilitators and now we are three in the end. And those three will take the project further. It was a huge gamble and risk bringing together new people, new partners as well as a new training design. However for some reason, not many things went wrong. There were some lessons, as I learned to choose people to work with really carefully and we learned more about what works and what doesn’t. But the bottom line was that the only complaint we received was that people were getting fat. A justified complaint I should say, so compliments to our cooks!

I also learned so much from my colleague trainers and from our dear participants, and am really looking forward to our future projects. Not sure yet what they might be. Maybe Coaching for Change 2?

Dear Betül, Mounir, Natalie, Gaya, Moonika, Madli, Bori, Bence, David, Anna, Pompei, Foued, Sofia, Dejvi, Lauma, Giovanni, Tim, Kamila, Paulina, Maja, Tina, Tinka, Denis, Aixa, Silvia,  Ella, thank you so much for being able to get to know you better and to be a small part of your learning journey!

Naomi, Giulia, Raúl, Bea, Hannes, Finn, thank you for your support throughout the project and for your future ideas and inputs!

Matjaž, Mojca, Jana, Romana thank you for your logistic and tehcnical support!

Leah and Árpi, thank you for making this training excellent, outstanding and what it was – a miracle in action! I’m honoured to be your co-trainer and am looking forward to more!

Biba

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Click here for more pictures.

Use what you have and use it NOW

Dear reader,

recently I noticed I have quite a strange habit: I like to do back-ups and usually play it safe.

For example:

  • When I buy a new dress or a new pair of shoes, I keep it in the closet sometimes even a year until I wear it (if ever!), because I want to “save it” for special occassions.
  • When I go grocery shopping, I buy delicions fruit or food that I then save for later. It so often happens that it rottens before I finally eat it, or I eat it when it’s already expired.
  • I eat more than I really need. You know, in case I might get hungry and won’t be able to have a meal then. This never happens, of course.
  • I spend so much time for preparation, that I forget to enjoy the ride as the preparation stage should long be over.
  • In the library, I take so many books, but only read a few of them.
  • When doing research, I save so many articles, print it and save it for later, and often it’s too late and they’re already outdated to cite, when I finally decide to use it.
  • In the morning as I dress, I pick the second best clothes, because I don’t want to wear out the best ones.
  • When eating watermelon, I set the best pieces aside for later. It so often happens that I’m already full before I can have it. So somebody else has it. It makes me question my sanity.

Quantity over quality. Saving for later.

Saving for what exactly? For when? For whom? What’s this nonsense about? It is nonsense, I admit it. And on the other hand it is this sense of playing it safe and to back up everything and save it for later. What this later means exactly, is secondary. You might want to think it’s a matter of prudence and accountability. It might well be. But the thing is, it doesn’t bring much joy. The best preserved dresses I kept safely are today not interesting anymore, because I’ve changed my style or size. The carefully kept crystal glasses no one is supposed to touch, lie bored and forgotten behind the cupboard window and they can’t fulfil their true purpose. My new sneakers are lonely, because I’m stil wearing the old ones, hence risking joint pain.

While thinking about it today, it made me realize that what I’m doing is nothing but cowardice. Fear to step out, fear to live, fear to dare. Why do I have to buy extras? Why do I pick the second best? Why am I constantly postponing the pleasure? I don’t really have an answer, but I’m certain it doesn’t bring me much satisfaction. Only a mere sense of false security.

So I’m gradually changing the habit:

  • I’m not buying on stock anymore. Whether it comes to office material, food, gas or clothes. Even if there are sales or discounts. The stores are not going to run out of goods like they used to in socialism. Everything is right there, available at all times.
  • I’ve emptied my closet and only kept the pieces which I absolutely adore and which fit me perfectly. I donated or sold the rest. Used to have three wardrobes before. Now I only have one and in this one I only keep the clothes relevant for the season. Luckily I live in a large house that allows keeping things in the attic. Maybe that was another contribution that allowed me to save so much 🙂
  • I try not to live in the past or in the future. True, I might not have all the resources available yet and true, timing will never be right. And this is so, no matter how long I wait, prepare or save.
  • The times of scarce material goods and resources are long gone. Today we struggle with having too much, not too little. My grandmother lived in times where there was nothing, so she had to save her entire life. But when I go into her fridge for a snack, there isn’t any. She simply doesn’t keep the things she doesn’t need or use. I wish I could become like her.

I’ve been practising this new habit for a couple of weeks now. Since I’m very busy with our EU project and finishing my research, this requires a lot of discipline and clarity in what I do. This habit of using what I have and not saving it for later, tremendously helped me gain both. Further, I’m witnessing increased level of satisfaction when I go grocery shopping or when I open my wardrobe. Cluttering, keeping things for later or cutting back using it, apparently isn’t the right strategy for me. It is in my nature to be a minimalist. But now I realized minimalism isn’t correlated with second best or not affording to use the best you have. It is exactly the opposite: doing more with less, but doing that with carefully selected means. Whether it be behaviour, sleeping habits, food, books or clothes.

My lesson hence goes like that: “Use what you have. Not just own it. Use it and don’t save it. If you don’t use it, get rid of it. The consequence? The results …”

It’s hard. But I’m loving it!

Biba

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Coaching for Change – our dream came true!

Dear reader,
our dream came true. Remember the post about our EU project? It’s become a reality. We managed to be successful in the second round and got top scores! Soooo, we’re launching the
CALL FOR PARTICIPANTS – international training course Coaching for Change
We are more than pleased to announce the invitation to participate in our first EU project, where Ribalon acts as the project coordinator.
Coaching for Change is an international Solution Focused EU project, bringing together 11 EU countries, starting on August 1st and lasting for 9 months.
The main activity, Training Course, will bring together 25 people and 4 professional facilitators and will take place from Aug 25th until Sept 3rd in Slovenia.
Most of our participants have already been recruited during the project application and preparation stage, yet we’d still like to offer an OPPORTUNITY FOR ONE PARTICIPANT from Slovenia to participate and apply.
Please find attached the project info pack where you can find out more about the project contents and practical arrangements.
Also, do forward this call and news and spread it round your channels 🙂 We’re here for you to answer any of your questions.
So happy for this incredible success and amazing opportunity to put Solution Focused in action!
Biba together with project partners
INFO PACK – Coaching for Change
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Sky – definitely not the limit today!

There are no rules in life. There are only roles in life

Dear reader,

my hands are shaking from excitement as I’m writing this. Finished a videoconference call with a client from Germany in the morning and she pulled the trigger for this post.

She was diagnosed with pathological shyness in the past, as she was unable develop or keep normal relationships. She lived with this diagnosis her entire teenage life and is currently in the final year of her undergraduate studies. She sought my help because she asked for a coaching conversation with someone unknown, unbiased, who is keen on student population, their concerns and problems and would help her find a way forward.

As we talked, it turned out she is thinking about moving out of her country and continuing her studies on the masters level somewhere abroad. She was struggling with her indecisiveness, her fear that she would be unable to cope with unknown people and situations, as well as feeling frightened what would happen in case she doesn’t succeed.  It was pretty much a story that takes place quite often with young people at that age. Then something beautiful happened and I’m copying a section from our conversation (with her approval). Let’s call her Anna and I leave it up to you to decide whether this girl is truly pathologically shy:

Anna: … you know, it’s like first you have to go to school. Then you have to go to university. You have to perform with top scores, otherwise you won’t feel like you’re worth anything. Be the top of your class. Lend notes to your colleagues. Go to parties you don’t like. Get a boyfriend. Have sex because it’s embarrassing if you don’t at the age of 20. Then think about your masters. Get into the top schools, because this is how you’ll get an offer in a company. I’m trapped, I don’t think I can manage all that. And I can’t tell anybody, these thoughts are not good thoughts to have. It’s embarrassing.

Biba: what would the situation you could manage look like?

Anna: I couldn’t. I never could manage. You know I was diagnosed with being antisocial. I can’t cope because of that.

Biba: and if you somehow could? Suppose you could imagine a situation where you could manage, how might that look like?

Anna (long pause): I don’t know if I get your question. It’s a fact I can’t manage.

Biba: and if you could, how would you know you are managing?

Anna: this would be a totally different situation then!

Biba: like?

Anna (again long pause): first of all I wouldn’t be where I am right now. I wouldn’t be the person I am.

Biba: what might you be?

Anna: I would be simply … enough being me, being as I am. I would do what I like to do. At the moment I don’t really think there’s much I actually like to do. I’ve even forgotten what is it that I really like!

Biba: and what do you like?

Anna: I like to read. I like to cook. I hate numbers [note: she was enrolled in a course that contained a lot of numbers]. I hate staying up late, just because my roomate does. I actually don’t even want to go to masters.

Biba: so you’re very clear about what you don’t want.

Anna: it’s quite a surprise really. I think I hate my entire life! This is not me! I’m not shy, I just don’t like to talk to people! I don’t want to be a good quiet girl anymore either!

Biba: so if you could define it brand new …?

Anna: I would love to, but I can’t … [long pause] I can’t do it because the picture that I like doesn’t fit with what I’m supposed to do right now. And it’s already too late. You know, I don’t mean to hurt anybody or cause anybody problems, nor my parents, teachers, nobody. I was always told to be a good girl and so I was. Trying to please everybody. And I thought they would like me for doing so. But it seems like I can never be enough, just being me. I will never be enough. So I have to do the masters to achieve something. Then get a decent job to earn enough money to be independent. That’s what I would like.

Biba: that’s what you would like, is this how your preferred situation might look like that you could manage?

Anna: no! That’s my current reality and it’s overwhelming! It’s like I’m choking here.

Biba: okay. So if we keep it where you are now, you get the masters, get the job that pays your bills, where do you hope this would lead to?

Anna: I don’t know. I might wake up one day and say my life was … meaningless. Even though I might achieve everything that is expected from me to achieve … Why do we do that, why do I do that, is this normal?

Biba: I think we all try to more or less fit within the rules of our society. What do you think?

Anna: Not sure. It seems like everybody I know is pretty happy with that. They like where they are and where they go. And I’m torn inside.

Biba: I meet many people that are unhappy with that.

Anna: You know what? I actually think there are no rules in life. We invented them just because everybody does it. It doesn’t mean that everybody SHOULD do it.

Biba: it doesn’t, no.

Anna: but I am afraid to do anything about it. I could probably still turn it around when I was younger. You know, before I enrolled to this stupid class. It’s too late for me now, I can’t reverse it.

Biba: imagine we would have your 15 year old and your 30 year old arguing about who is more right to be too late, what sort of arguments might they both use to convince you?

Anna: they would both have pretty strong arguments!

Biba: so what might be their strongest anti-arguments to convince you that it is the perfect time to start over?

Anna: well I could as well be 60. I could just kill myself then.

Biba: you could as well be 23 [she was currently 22].

Anna: I know. I don’t want to waste another year. I want something better, this time for me. But it scares me, you know, it really scares me, because if I do it, I won’t have any support. Nobody knows me like that, nobody is interested in what do I want. Nobody will like who I really am.

Biba: good, it is supposed to be scary! It means it is worth it.

She was perfectly right. There are no rules in life. Sure, you are born, you go to school, you find a decent job when you are 25, you find a partner, have kids by 30, get a dog by 35, buy a house and a family car, go on vacation, pay for children’s schooling, go into menopause, possibly divorce, maybe get grandchildren, retire by 65 and hopefully, have someone to grow old with. Life has a certain natural cycle, we all get older and so far no one has survived yet. But the rules of when you should do what and how were invented because the majority does it that way, not because it should be done that way. You are supposed to eat breakfast. Exercise. Not take drugs. Learn how to drive. Sleep at night. Be faithful. Be on time. Make money. Consume a lot. Park on marked places. All these are the rules that were invented and some of them indeed make most of our lives easier to manage. It is easier if you sleep at night and if you try to follow the principles of a healthy diet. But you don’t HAVE TO do it, if you found something different that works for you. Especially if you found something that is more beneficial for you and others around you.

You don’t have to force yourself to wake up early in the morning if you are more of a night type. You don’t have to get married if you don’t believe in marriage. You don’t have to do the masters or go to university just because everybody does it. You don’t have to eat bananas because they are rich in potassium, if you hate it. You don’t have to run if you prefer swimming. Also don’t have to watch the news if it doesn’t interest you. You don’t have to participate in conversations that you find meaningless or boring.

There are no rules. There are only roles and even the roles change. If you are a parent, you are in a role of a caregiver. Once your children are adults, they might become caregivers and your role will change. If you are a spouse, you are in a role of giving and receiving love and affection. If you are 60, your body probably isn’t the same as it was when you were 20. That doesn’t mean it has to hurt or that you are unable to have regular walks if you like to.

Everything is fluid. Everything constantly changes. You don’t have to be obedient in life just because you were told you should be when you were little. It might help though in certain contexts, but there is no one out there, to whom you should kneel because they are superior. Nobody is better or worse than you are. Nobody is allowed to take the leading part of your life, as this is YOUR part and YOUR life, and it’s ending one minute at a time. So don’t take the part of a victim and don’t bend down. It is your responsibility to discover what you like, what fits you and find your passion to share and express yourself in this world.

Sure, not everybody will like you because of that and you might disappoint quite some number of people. But those who will like you for who you are and how you are, will support you. Someone I love deeply said once to me that he’s been stupid nearly all of his life. And he doesn’t mind being stupid with me as well. There is nearly 9 billion people on this planet. You will find people that share similar interests and who are happy to be your kind of stupid. Even if it’s just a few, these few can support you in your authentic happiness that comes from within your true self when you find your integrity to dare being you.

DARE to be who you are and who want to be! You have nothing to loose, you might only get rid of certain clutter you don’t need in life. There are no rules, only roles, and roles change. Constantly.

Biba

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