2017: Letting Go …

Dear reader,

end of the year fast approaching. It seems I just got used to writing 2017 and only a couple of weeks and I’ll have to start all over again, learning how to write 2018.

For the first time in my life I am facing and noticing the process of impermanence. For some reason, in the past several months I have been in a position where everything seemed to be falling apart for me, especially my health. Not that I would do anything specific or disastrous, but my body has failed me totally and I haven’t reached the edge where I would see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.

My relationships are changing too. People are leaving my life, even people I wanted to stay close. I myself have dismissed quite many people, sometimes simply because I cannot manage it all, sometimes because I am too stupid to pay attention to what I say.

I am quite successful in my line of work, but even here I am noticing that I am becoming slower, am quickly tired and cannot tolerate mistakes the same way I used to only a year ago. Well, to be honest, right now I am in complete agony and boredom finishing my PhD, which is a hell of a work (am slowly beginning to understand why so few people actually have PhD’s).

The bottom line, it seems I might have every reason to feel sad, lonely and abandoned. However I am not. I learned that my body, my life, my presence, my relationships, etc. … is all very temporary. It shall all pass. One day I won’t open my eyes anymore. If I fight it or not. I am too small to influence things. But I can learn to let go.

I think life is sending me a lesson to learn how to let go.

I have realised my time here is limited. Perhaps very limited. My body will probably continue to bring me lots of pain and today I know I will never be able to wear high heels again. Or run. People in my life will continue to leave me. My mom will die (my dad is already dead). My husband might die before me. My closest person is too far away from me to share my life. When it comes to it, I guess everyone is on their own. We all have to go through this path alone. Sometimes in some nice company, but most of the time, you are likely to be alone. Which is not the same as lonely.

As I was observing those thoughts and have eventually managed to embrace it, I realised that my attention’s been focused on wrong things. I was focused on finding joy, following passion, being successful. I was seeking recognition, acknowledgement. I wanted to make a difference, perhaps a big difference that many people would benefit from. Now I am realising that the most I can do, is let go. The most I can do is try to live a life with integrity, honesty and with no expectations. Live the life as it is. If it means that in a couple of months I will not be able to walk anymore, I will have to let go of the idea to walk and accept my new reality, being grateful for the things I still can do, knowing that I might lose it as well.

Thoughts of impermanence make you think about your footprint in this world. What kind of a footprint would you like to leave once you are gone? I certainly do not want to be one of the people who help make this planet more polluted as it already is. I do not want any animal to suffer for my comfort (btw I am selling all of my Ugg boots – let me know if you want it). I do not want to be obsessed with material things. Or relationships. Right now, I am not quite sure what I do want and am at the moment in a position where I do not wish for much. But I do wish that those who will remember me once I am gone, will think of me as of a kind person. Which is currently not really my public image, I should think 🙂

So I am thankful to you, for letting me share my thoughts with you. I really appreciate all of your reads, even though I rarely hear back who you are. Thank you for being and pretty cool that our paths have crossed. It certainly isn’t a coincidence.

What do you want to be remembered for?

Biba

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Where to next? I am confused.

 

I Will Be

Dear reader,

as soon as you learn something new and you grow, you’ll be exposed to tests. The more meaningful your step, the harder these trials will be. And I somehow believe that life gives you challenges which you are somewhat capable to fight or survive.

I was given a huge challenge. I have to say goodbye to my morning runs. Possibly for good. Apparently my body’s been quite heavily damaged without my awareness and it is coming out now.

I can’t tell you what an unpleasant surprise that was. And it has come so far that I have to be taking pain killers in order to sleep properly. I won’t go into details, this is simply for you to illustrate that as soon as you think you might master something, life will send you a challenge to prove it.

So I now have an opportunity to prove that I will be. Strong on my own. If I want other people to believe in miracles, first I have to prove that they are indeed possible. Which reminds me of a beautiful song, 9 years ago, when I did my last ballet performance. I was already out of the ballet world for some years, so was not in a well rehearsed shape, but I did it anyway, because my friends and colleagues were so keen on it. We prepared it as part of a welcome event for freshmen students. This was the last time I was on stage and it probably contributed to my today’s injuries. Wasn’t very happy with the performance, but was very grateful for audience’s warm response. So I’m sharing the video below, even though I don’t like it at all and think I did poorly. But it was my very last performance and today I know that I will never be able to do this again.

Why am I telling you this? While preparing for that performance and doing the choreography, I picked a song which meant a great deal to me back then. It’s Christina Aguilera’s song “I Will Be”. I wanted to give the new students a gift of encouragement together with faith that they will make it at the university. Because when you are in trouble, you need to retain the hope and faith that things will get better. And things will get better.

As the lyrics go:

It comforts me
It keeps me
Alive each day of my life
Always guiding me, providing me
With the hope I desperately need

Well I gotta believe
There’s something out there meant for me
Oh, I’ll get on my knees
Praying I will receive
The courage to grow and the faith to know

So whatever challenges you might be facing at this very moment, have faith that you WILL manage somehow. In fact everything you need is already there. I’ll desperately try to recollect my hope and get better and when I succeed, I’ll share it with you. Hopefully before NY’s, so we could do it together in this training. Which I shall cancel in case I do not manage.

Be strong.

Biba