No reason to live? Get offline!

Dear reader,

More than one month since my last blog. In the meantime, I’ve had a Periacetabular Osteotomy hip operation. This is clearly not a small operation and the rehabilitation will take up to 6 months. It has been very painful, quite complicated, at moments more than a physical massacre. I am using crutches and am on a wheelchair now. With many restrictions, many narcotics, feeling dizzy, sloppy, slow.

But I tell you. I am having one of the best times of my life. The hospital where I was operated was more a hotel rather than a hospital, with view of the sea and peacocks perching on my window every morning and evening. We had the best time with my roomies – the last day before I was dismissed to be sent home I did every woman’s nails. My body has become my very best friend and companion – recovering rapidly. As soon as I got home I was quite independent, in spite all the restrictions and difficulties. Came off morphine last week, even thought I should be taking narcotics at least one more week. Have begun to drive already, even though I shouldn’t for at least for another four weeks. And no, I am not pushing it, am not trying to do the impossible, because I do not feel the urge or need to prove anything to anyone. My body is simply recovering splendidly. Even I myself am amazed. Of course there are ups and downs, but all in all, our bodies are miracles. And we tend to forget this way too often. Such a pity, really.

So that’s what’s been happening in the past month. But that’s not what I wanted to share with you. I wanted to tell you that one thing which helped me recover most, was being offline. Spending time with people who matter to me. Face to face. Closely. You know, when such life events happen, they make you pause and reflect. About what truly matters. I remember lying in my hospital bed, waiting to be taken to the operation room and since there have been quite some complications, I was not sure of whether I was gonna wake up or not. I was quite tired, stripped, fed up, have lost my independence, dignity, even hope. I knew the rehabilitation will be long and hard. I knew I will be in lots of pain (though couldn’t have imagined in what pain – had I known I might have changed my mind to allow this operation in the first place 🙂 ). In such moments it’s hard to find hope. But it is still possible to find joy. Find joy in the present moment, embrace it as it is. So I remember letting go of everything and simply decide to feel good. It worked. It so f****** worked that I still can’t believe it. And then I knew I was gonna be alright. Whatever will happen and wherever I will be, I will be alright.

Obviously, I have woken up, and I am here. Alive more than ever. But with one huge difference. Before this experience I was three things: being very ambitious, successful and at the same time pushing myself (and my body) beyond its limits. Now I realised this was perhaps attractive before, but it’s a new day today. Today I am not doing my life with anything but my heart anymore. What matters in the end, are the relationships. “Offline” relationships. Offline in the sense of being real. I have many very close friends whom I am mostly seeing online, but I count our relationships under “offline” category, because they are so genuine, so close, loving, affectionate. Yes, when it comes to life and death, you rearrange your priorities, And whatever you do, achieve, create, will not matter. What will matter is how much you have loved. So I decided to love. Dearly, passionately, closely.

I can’t tell you how much my life has changed. Yes, I might be disabled. Yes, I might be restricted. In pain. Weak. Fragile. But I have left such a huge baggage behind, which is called trying to make an impression, hiding, striving for to perfection. I don’t care about any of these anymore. If people like me, we’ll get together. If they don’t, there are almost 8 billion people on this planet so I won’t waste a thought on people who don’t match my frequency. But for those who do, I’d do everything. They are my life. If you are reading this or following this, you are my life too. I am your life too. And in the cold light of dawn, that’s what makes us human beings, that’s what gives us sense of belonging, that’s what creates joy. Which I believe is next to love, the second most powerful feeling.

Hope you are doing well. Tell me how you are 🙂

With much love,

Biba

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