Tag Archives: coaching

A Patient Cured is a Customer Lost (about ethics in therapy and coaching)

Dear reader,

This came across as I was sipping my morning coffee. In therapy and coaching, there are numerous examples of unethical practices and behaviours. One of them is surely keeping clients in therapy or coaching process longer than necessary and useful for them and sometimes these intentions might be profit driven.

When I deliver trainings in Solution Focused Practice for professionals around the EU and UK, I often tell them that if they want to become rich, they have to change to another modality. SF process is brief and if one is surviving on clients only, one might either become really good at constantly and frequently attracting new clients, or make their living elsewhere (or be unethical, which I will not consider at all atm).

Solution Focused Practice will invite you to think about your preferred future. It will help you describe new ways of living for yourself and might open up new possibilities of a future you consider worth living. It will not tell you what to do and will not provide an explanation of why you haven’t managed to get there yet (or reversed, why you have been in the situation you do not want to be in). The research across cultures, countries and settings shows to have lasting effects comparable to any other type of therapy or coaching, with the difference that you arrive at your desired outcome faster. So why do more, when you can do less? Why spend half of your life in therapy if there are other, faster and lighter options with the same outlooks?

And one more thing re below picture. Therapy and coaching in my modest opinion, are not business services. They should not correlate to one’s ability to pay or afford it. The practitioner should always strive to be brief – not do one session more than what is absolutely necessary. And the “necessity” should always be determined by the client, not your expert opinion. So when the patient feels well, they should not be given extra drugs “just in case” or when the client feels they are able to move on or live their life in the way that is right for them, they should not be imposed another session “just in case”. If they ask for it, that’s a different thing altogether.

So whenever you meet a therapist or coach who will tell you in advance how many sessions it will take, walk away. They have no ways of knowing and their theories are merely theories – they help us think, but not always act.

Some Monday, huh? Wish you a good week ahead,

Biba

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Borrowed from Facebook.

 

People don’t want to be taught, people want to be inspired!

Dear reader,

our first chapter of Slovenian Professional Solution Focused Training is behind us. Two amazing days full of joy, newly discovered passion and constructing new knowledge together.

In solution focused conversations, one of the important skills is to stay on the surface and not try to read between the lines. Because there might be nothing there actually. This is harder to do than to say, but hey, talking about solution focus is very different to doing solution focus.

People are tempted to give advice and teach others how they are supposed to live their lives. We like to offer our suggestions and share our wisdom. And what we like even more is to pressupose what’s happening in another person’s mind. And then analyze, discuss and conclude on their behalf. And be content with our so called “expertise” a tap on the shoulder and thinking “well done”, I did such a great job and helped that person immensely.

Did you?

From my experience, I hate it when people try to give me an advice I didn’t ask for (and they do it daily). I get goose bumps when people begin to explain to me what’s happening with me and why I’m feeling or thinking in a certain way. I get allergic when somebody discusses another one’s behaviour with a third person and nodding their heads as if they were true experts. Just because I don’t say anything doesn’t mean I want you to say something instead of me on my behalf. My husband told me he used to be with somebody who always interpreted for him what he was thinking, why he was or wasn’t doing something and how he should change. So what he did or what he didn’t do, why and how this was wrong. He said it was a nightmare (who wouldn’t?). However occasionally I notice I’m no better though 🙂

Staying on the surface means that you let the other person be the expert of their lives. It was never meant to be your position. We talk way too much and we think others ask for our opinion. In most cases they don’t really. There are so many people who talk about themselves all the time and think others appreciate it. They are most probably bored or annoyed. The world isn’t spinning around you and it’s not about you all the time, when you’re talking to another person.

My experience is that people don’t like to be taught. One of the worst things you could say to another person is: “I told you so” or “I knew this was gonna happen” (now let me fix you …). It’s such a pity to close the space by forcing and pushing people with your opinion and values. A pity because you don’t let the other’s resources come to the surface. So you don’t learn anything new, but merely repeat what you already know. And this is not how new knowledge is created.

These blogs I write are far away from lessons. I hope my readers perceive it more as invitations to think about their own behaviour and practice. I can only offer what I’ve learned. But I can’t teach others, because I don’t know how to teach them and also don’t want to teach them. They know how they like to be addressed, so it’s more of a self service and not a compulsory menu.

People don’t like to be taught. But we do like to get inspired by stories, by invitations to co-create, to connect, to listen to each other. To let others come to our personal space and to step into theirs. To be genuinely interested in what the other person has to say and to build on their previous wisdom. This is how ideas are born, this is how meaningful conversations happen. It takes two to have a conversation in pairs. Two listeners and two talkers. Two way conversation can’t be done if there’s only one talking and taking. Especially if he or she dares to speak in another person’s name. This is disrespectful and rude. No wonder people don’t behave the way you want them to. You’re not the one to tell them what to do. And you’re not the one to translate and interpret their thoughts. Because they know better. In fact, they are the only ones who know anything.

Told you Solution Focus was easy to learn and hard to do 🙂

Happy conversations!

Biba

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First generation of Slovenian Solution Focused People!

What’s in it for me? (what to expect in a SF session?)

This is said to be one of the most important sentences for an individual when engaging someone in collaboration, a dialogue or a new relationship (either personal or professional). Although I do not completely agree with this, as I still believe that some things just do not have selfish or self-centred aims, it looks like a suitable starting point for this post. So dear reader,

If you are interested in Brief Therapy or Coaching with me, here’s what to expect in a Solution Focused session.

I believe, you have a good reason to come. You want some kind of a change. However you don’t have to know it in detail, a wish or a thought will do. Many people don’t know exactly what or why, they just know or sense they want to see some changes or something different. As mentioned in previous posts, any kind of issues or challenges might be addressed within this approach. So whatever is on your mind that you want to discuss, change, resolve, observe, think about or share, you are welcome. What we will do is that we will think through it in a solution focused way, us both being on the same site. Although I’m about to be a future licensed therapist, I’m not acting as an expert, but rather as a facilitator even though I have knowledge and expertise. This means that our relationship is based upon not-knowing. I don’t know what the best is for you so I will not tell you what you could or should do. You and only you are the expert of your life.

There are two simple rules in our conversation: I’m 100 percent responsible for asking questions that produce useful answers. And you take 100 percent credit for each useful answer. It is that simple to understand, however not so easy to perform (this is why I’m in the learning process, because if this were to be easy, no one would have to learn and practise it!).

Prior to the session you already might notice some differences. This is often the case, as a therapeutic or coaching process already starts when considering booking a session. We might talk about this. Prior to the session you might be interested in issues concerning privacy and other professional settings. I’m committed to EBTA Code of ethics (http://blog.ebta.nu/the-solution-focused-modell) and am subject to supervision in order to constantly improve myself as a therapist trainee. Therefore I’ll ask you for your permission to record the session for my supervisors. You may decline, of course. However my supervisors are not interested in content, but in my work (what my focus was on and what kind of questions I used, hence what I could do better and what I did well).

Usually the session lasts approximately one hour. About the following sessions, I rely on you to know when to stop meeting. As it is brief therapy, it is not meant to be a long term process, but I can’t tell at the moment the average number of sessions, because I don’t have enough sessions behind me to gather a proper sample from which reliable conclusions would be possible.

The effects may be immediate or shortly after the session. You’ll see it for yourself. At the end of a session I might give you some appreciative feedback about what I’ve noticed during the session. There will be no advice or goals, therefore you cannot “fail” or disappoint anyone (not yourself nor me, as there is no “homework”). I trust you will find your way and I’ll help you discover it.

How does that sound?

sunset

This photo was taken somewhere above France, as I was flying home from Barcelona conference and had first thought about this post.